Let that lonely feeling go

31 03 2009

Scratch everything from last night. My fickle woman-ness has kicked in. I don’t owe him anything. Also I haven’t talked to him for a few days, that makes it easier to ignore him. Le sigh.

Long talk with Indie tonight. Made me realize I really am an asshole. I am mean. I guess that’s just always how I’ve ”flirted” with men. I joke and tease and I can be kind of snarky or sarcastic. I had an eight year relationship based off of it. I really need to be nicer. The Vampire thought I was the biggest bitch when we met, and a month later we were inseparable.

So Woodership Down got me a present. I have to say it’s one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever purchased for me. Tao Te Ching. I am reading it in the hope that I discover the secrets to the universe and become enlightened. Or at the very least learn some patience. The intention behind it was very sweet. I don’t know what that boy sees in me, but I’m glad he does.

Indie and I had a tweetversation today regarding our “ex-lists.” You know you have one. That soundtrack of songs that make you think of your ex or that relationship. I spent about two hours going through the 10,000+ songs on my iPod and came up with 168 definitions of my own personal heartbreak. Read the rest of this entry »


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Oh how you laughed at my complete lack of grace

31 03 2009

It’s time. I need to man up and do what a girl needs to do.

I have to tell him. For no other reason than I am that asshole. The one you think you can trust, then out of left field tells you she kind of sort of has a thing for you. Because really, that’s all it is. I don’t expect it to change the situation. I don’t really want it to. Lord knows I have tried (and failed miserably) to not be THAT girl. I sort of am. I slept with another girl’s boyfriend and now I want to tell him that I have something for him. I don’t think it’s feelings. Granted, I’m not sure I know what emotions feel like anymore, but that’s not what this is.

This is lust. Pure, unadulterated lust. I don’t get it either. It’s not like I want to be with him. The month we were playing house was amazing. It can’t go back to that now. I’m even more of an asshole because I wouldn’t trust him. He did cheat on his girlfriend, you know. This is why I don’t let new people into my life. I inevitably fuck it up. Read the rest of this entry »


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If you were here I would admit that I’m an asshole

30 03 2009

I had one of those dreams about Indie Friday night. Completely random and unprovoked. I was on some sort of camping trip with the strangest group of people. My mom was there, Indie and Dinga’s on and off again boyfriend, Cha Cha. I have to say, it was interesting. I haven’t had one of those dreams in awhile and usually they’re weird in a scary way. Like the one I had where Banky kept turning into his identical twin or BNB. Scary.

So after waking up, slightly disappointed, on Saturday it was time for epic weekend to begin. Now, it’s not going to be Lucero epic, but it was good. Halpert and Space Cowboy were in town visiting Clark. This means I get to relive some of my best college memories. I love these boys. They are some of my closest friends and strongest supporters.

Before I got to hang with the boys, it was girl time. I had brunch with Savannah at our favorite local place. One mimosa and two cups of coffee washed down with some Lemon Lavender Bundt Cake. I was bouncing off the walls. The food was amazing and the company is always stellar. We talked to the owners for awhile and I got into trouble because I almost said Port of Call had better burgers. So I amended it with …in Louisiana. After brunch, I headed over to Clark’s. Read the rest of this entry »


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FML

27 03 2009

I was halfway through this entry and wordpress ate it. FML.

Not approved for a loan because I owe too many people money. FML.

Could get a loan with a cosigner, but lose all first time buyer programs. FML.

Had a last minute project dumped in my lap yesterday. FML.

Finished it only to have it drastically change at 5:40pm after I had sent everything off to press. FML.

Hurry up to do all changes. Project is cancelled as I’m finishing them. FML.

I spilled strawberry juice on my white hoodie. FML.

I did a Career Builder search for graphic designers in Tampa. All that came up was the ARMY. FML.

I found a mystery $70 charge on my debit card today. FML.

I am done. I am sick of being responsible for everyone and everything. I am sorry, Hobnobs. I don’t think I can help you anymore. I am not your girlfriend, I am not your wife and I don’t think I want to be your roommate anymore. Sure it was a fun idea when I thought you would help me get a house, but now that that plan is out the window…you kind of bore me and annoy me. Talking to you is a chore now and not fun like it used to be. I don’t want to rent somewhere and throw my money away. Money that could get my stupid ass out of debt so that I can get a house. I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m not going to for now. I should soon, or else I will majorly fuck you over. Not my intention, but you’re becoming a liability. You have to go.

I haven’t talked to Banky in a few days. I am thinking about calling him tomorrow and making him go to that show with me. The BNB ignored my question about whether or not he’s going. I think they’re all crashing at  his place is what he told me a few months ago. One would assume he’d be going. I guess he’s ignoring me. Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything right now except going home and closing my eyes and putting Tennessee on repeat. I think I may shed some tears, ya’ll.

I am going to allow myself tonight to be all weepy and shit. Tomorrow I will get up and be productive. I will organize all of my shit and start purging. I will clean and it will feel good. Then I will go see that show. Even if it’s alone. Live music always cheers me up. I may even splurge and go buy myself some whiskey. I drank all mine on St. Patrick’s day. Tis a sin not to have Jameson in my house. Well, home. I CAN’T HAVE A HOUSE. I want to be petty and blame it all on Douche McGee. I should sue his ass for alimony.

I’ll miss you when I’m lonely, I’ll miss the alimony too.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Not anything in particular. Things that bother me though. I can hear his voice so clear in my head, but I can’t for the life of me remember what his laugh sounds like. That’s sad. We laughed all the time. Why can’t I remember it? I remember the way his eyes crinkled…but I can’t hear it. I’m still pretty pissed off at him over that last email. I’m more proud of myself for not replying. I know I can do it. I can forget him eventually. I’m already forgetting the good, I just need to let the bad go.

So, some of you may be wondering why I’m looking for jobs in Tampa. That’s out of left field, right? Well…yes and no. How serious am I about it? I’m curious. Let’s say that. April holds the answers to a lot of questions. For once, I’m not afraid of the answers. I’m even hopeful. I just need to kick this Banky habit. Is that going to stop me from asking him to go Saturday? Probably not. I like to be an asshole to myself too. I need to know that I can be around him and go home alone.

I’ll admit I was unfaithful. From now on I’ll be more faithful.

I’m thisclose to putting myself back on probation. A life of celibacy and no men is no fun. But it is simple. Very simple. That “date” the other night…I cancelled on Tuesday and thought I got stood up on Wednesday. Turned out I was the one who was doing the standing up. I was supposed to text or call. Well…it was ANTM night. And when I get texts about how much you enjoy my company and a beer is a small price to pay for time with me…it scares me. I don’t think you’re ready for me yet. I can’t give you anything. I’m not sure I can give anyone, anything right now.

Well, I feel better now. It’s all out. I’ve said it. Now I have to find the courage to say it to the people I need to. FML.

UPDATE: At 4:30…on a Friday…my boss tells me she needs to speak to me. My boss is satan in Barbie’s clothes. I am worried. It is a last minute project. One that has to be completed and in Tampa on Monday. I am waiting on her piece. Mine has been done for 30 minutes. Why can’t I be in Tampa on Monday? FML.


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You could say it’s my instinct. Yes, I still have one.

24 03 2009

This is not going to be about a boy. Well, not totally. I did talk to him tonight. Nothing of any consequence.

My dream house is sale pending. Fuckers. I just needed another week!! Spare me the meant to be speech. I give it better than anyone. I am doomed to be a single, old lady who still lives with her mother and her cat. Yeah the reason I don’t date is totally voluntary…

Ok, that’s actually true. I had a sort of date tonight and I rescheduled. It’s with a friend of my ex, Charlie. I only really have two ex boyfriends. At (nearly) 27. I don’t even know how to date. But anyway, the friend I was supposed to go out with tonight scared the hell out of me a few months ago. This culminated in me being totally classy and running out of his house early in the morning after a major freak out. I spent the night with no intentions, it wasn’t like that for me, and I woke up to him cuddling me and he kissed me.

I am a big believer in touch. I know as soon as fingers touch my face or lips meet. It was not right. And , for the record, I don’t cuddle. Shit, the last guy I slept with (to get back at Banky…not that he ever knew about it) I gave a fake name to and was up, dressed and out the door before he could even roll over. I am a cold bitch.

I am kind of afraid of intimacy. I have tried very hard to maintain celibacy in my single life. Not for any moral reasons. For simplicity. When you make a relationship intimate it changes. You can’t take it back. Those moments are sacred. You can’t look in someone’s eyes after you’ve held their gaze during sex and just be casual. Well, none of the men I seem to attract can. After Douche McGee and I broke up, I slept with Charlie for awhile to try and feel something. I never did. As soon as he fell asleep I’d sneak out. I’m kind of a dude when it comes to sex. It is just sex for me most of the time.

Anyway, I said this wasn’t about a boy. I am a liar. It’s always about a boy. So, which one tonight? The BNB.

I met him when I was 15. I will never forget that exact moment. I looked up and he was standing there. Nola was friends with him. She told me he was bad news then and stay far away. He was. So bad. Such a womanizer. I didn’t care. I was in love and I knew someday I’d have him. I’ve lusted after him ever since. We had our moment in July of 2007. One night. The first time I had seen him in a few years. He and I met up because I needed a new tattoo. Oh, yeah. He’s my tattoo artist. Talk about complicated. I eventually confessed to him. In a note. Circle one… I shit thee not. We have never spoken of either event. We have a weird relationship. I’m not going to go into it tonight. Someday…

The last time I saw him was when we went to my home state for a tattoo convention a month ago. It was a weird weekend and I got really angry at him because I saw this different side to him. It annoyed me. He’s kind of pretentious. I know why and I don’t hold it against him, but it changed how I feel about him. I think. I am probably going to see him at a show on Saturday. Nola still thinks we should be together. It sure would be the easy way out. This is where I give that speech. Everything happens for a reason blah, blah, blah. If it’s meant to be blah, blah. Whatever. I am sick of thinking about him.

I am excited about Saturday though. One of my favorite local bands is playing. You should always support your local music scene. I never knew how good ours was for the longest time. I am amazed. I told Banky. That’s just what I need, him and The BNB in the same room. It’s a race to the death! Which will explode first? Her heart, head or vagina?? They’re both the nonchalant jealous types. Even if they don’t want me, they’ll be godammned if anyone else is going to have me. Oh Jesus, help me.

I am actually tired tonight. I have to be up early, nine minutes until it’s tomorrow. Let’s see if I can fall asleep before then…and…GO!


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You’re the one that I still miss and it’s ruthless that it comes as no surprise

24 03 2009

The first thing he asks me tonight is if I’ve talked to the bank. Not yet. Then he brings up the roommate situation he didn’t want to talk about last night. That motherfucker knows he has me. I am putty in his hands. I try so hard to resist. I can’t. Banky is my new Douche McGee. Try as hard as I can, but I can’t escape him. I can’t say no. The conversation took a predictable, but tame turn for us. I half expected him to invite me down. I would have said yes. Forgive me Father, I am weak.

I finally owned up to Hobnobs. He knew something was wrong the past few days and he kept bugging me about it. So I told him. He made a lot of valid points about me and “love.” He was actually really great. I am glad he’s my friend and he’s ok with it just being that. I have thrown another wrench into the situation.

I’m not sure if he’s reading this or not, not that I care. I only have good things to say. I have a friend coming to visit me in April so we can spend a weekend seeing our favorite band together. We have a very good mental connection, physically…who knows what will happen? Maybe we’ll have explosive chemistry and fall madly in love and ride off into the sunset together. Maybe we’ll just end up great friends. All I know is he is very important to me and this next month is going to be hell waiting to see him.

Maybe I’m addicted to falling in love? Well, that can’t be true actually. I never let myself get close enough to even fathom the idea of love. Banky was different. Hobnobs kept asking me why. If I knew…well…I wouldn’t be in this fucking mess. He just was. I was never nervous around him. He was so easy. I miss it. Listening to music and making dinner together. Cuddling up in bed early to watch movies. Oh, and the sex. The sex was the best since Douche McGee. I am holding on to what was, it can’t be again.

I had intended to write about something different tonight, but as usual, he threw me off course. I am already sick of writing about him. I’ve been doing it for five months now. Sure, the subject matter has changed, but he and I haven’t. I mean it, chemistry is a powerful thing. I know I can’t see him anymore, that’s easy. Not talking to him…that’s what I can’t manage.

In better news, the state has announced a new program for first time home buyers where they will loan you the down payment if you qualify for the tax credit. It starts next Monday. This week I will research my ass off to find FHA lenders and beg someone to please make this happen. I have to have that house. It’s perfect. I will light a candle to my patron saint. St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. That’s me.

I am still totally crushing on Neko Case. I burned a copy for Martha and Wifey today. Ruby Soho may get one in her package too. Speaking of, I have to send that shit out tomorrow. Someone remind me.

I know this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want here, but I have a personal journal to piss and moan into. I promise to try and be better. I need to get him out of my head. I also need some sleep.


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There’s nothing to do but wait it out

22 03 2009

I did nothing this weekend. Truly. I sat on my ass and watched really awful chick flicks. Today’s? I watched the last 20 minutes of Maid In Manhattan. Lord help me, what have I become?

Ok, I lied. I took the dog to the dog park, but he was being a total asshole so we came home fairly early. I almost got knocked on my ass by this giant mastiff. The dog’s head was about the size of my car. That, is a dog.

I didn’t do anything because I’m in a big funk. A huge funk. I found my dream house. It’s in the neighborhood I want, it has a yard, I don’t even have to paint…it’s perfect. I don’t think there is a bank on Earth that will give me a loan considering how much debt I am in. Add to this me being very nervous about Hobnobs being here soon, and my unresolved issues with Banky and you get one mopey girl. My mother is convinced we can work this out and I can have that house. She drove by it today and now she’s in love with it. This is the same woman who didn’t want me buying the $80,000 condo. Now she wants me to buy a $147,000 house. Hi world, meet my mother.

I know that there would be a lot of sacrifice there and that I’d have to have a roommate. Hobnobs is the answer to that, but for how long? Also, I realized something today. Something important. I miss being someone’s girlfriend. I really do some days. It’s mostly the little things. I miss touch and jokes and just that feeling you get when you’re with someone you love. I am also terrified of it. I creep close to it, then as soon as it become reality, I run. Far and fast. Except for with Banky.

I think part of it was how we met. I had just decided to give up dating and I wasn’t looking for anyone, especially under the circumstances that we met. We hit it off immediately and become friends within minutes. Towards the end of those 10 magical days, I wondered what would happen when we got home. We were home for one day before I got a chance to find out. And for one month I had that feeling again. I was the happiest I’ve been in two years. People kept commenting on it. I was glowing. One week out of town and it was gone again, just like that. I was hurt and upset at first. I thought my curse had struck again. He was always honest with me and I knew the risks. I don’t blame him, I would have done the same thing. Fear makes people different. We take the path of least resistance. We go with what is comfortable and familiar. So he went back to his ex.

I don’t think our time was up yet. Clearly, as evidenced by what has happened this last month. I’ve woken up next to him twice. The first time, I excused. It was vengeance. Validation. I wanted it and i could still have it. That was all I needed. Then it happened again. Yes, I was very drunk. That’s no excuse. I knew better. So did he. We didn’t care. Why was he even at that bar that night? He was on my turf. Was he hoping to run into me? Why did he tell his friends everyone thought we were dating on our trip? Why did he answer “kinda” when asked if he had a girlfriend?

Ever since Douche McGee chewed me up and spit me out I have turned away plenty of men. There has been a lot of misguided interest in me. I have flirted with the idea of a few of them, but for the most part I shut them down. When I’m done with them, I shut them off. I walk away and they cease to exist. I answer no calls, texts, emails. No one likes a beggar. Why can’t I ignore him? He never gave me a break. We talked regularly for the four months in between our last time seeing each other and this month’s reunion. I can’t ignore his calls or texts. I truly think part of him cares about me. I care about him. I also know it would never work. I’m not that kind of girl. Or I didn’t think I was. I don’t know who I am anymore.

We haven’t talked much since the other night. I think it’s best for now. He’s probably confused too. I don’t know how to fix this one. I’ve really made a mess this time. I am that girl. I am the girl that destroyed my life. I don’t want to do that to someone else. I have to let him go. I just wish I knew how to make it easier. The first step is not seeing him. This may sound weird, so I’m going to quote my favorite movie to try and explain it. “As far as your senses are concerned, some people just feel like home.” His smell makes me melt. The way he looks at me, his taste…no one has felt that familiar to me since Douche. It’s the main reason I think I can’t shake him.

I just need to clear my head and stop listening to that silly thing in my chest. Hell, I didn’t even know it still worked. Until I met him. It’s not love. It’s just curiosity. What if…you know? Half of me wants to know and half of me is terrified to find out. MFEO says I have to tell him how I feel. Now…if only I knew…


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Stop this madness

21 03 2009

This has been a long time coming. I finally decided it was time to tell my story. I have changed all names to protect those involved. I wouldn’t call most of them innocent. You can meet them on the “characters” page.

I have been writing consistently since my freshman year of college, some of that may show up here. I change my mind a lot, so who knows what this space will hold. I’m not making a huge effort to be anonymous here, but I don’t want to piss anyone off either. I just need to say a lot of things to a lot of people.

One of my favorite pastimes is writing letters to people and then not sending them. I either post them in my private journal or I just delete them. The thing is, I don’t write for anyone. I write because it is a compulsion. It helps me think clearer, organize my thoughts and say the things I long to say in real life. That being said, I am sort of sensitive. I write for me, my benefit. Not you. If you disagree with something I’ve said, please have an adult conversation with me about it. I’m too old to fight about the mundane, I got all that out years ago. I’m not sure what I expect to get out of this. If people read it and like it, great. If someone reads this and thinks, “Oh. My. God. I know exactly what she means!” I will be thrilled. If people hate it, eh. Fuck ‘em.

So, this is probably a really shitty introduction to a blog. Do you need an introduction or do you just start writing? It’s my blog. I will do whatever I want with it. So this is it. I’ll give you a quick intro to me I guess.

Currently I am ashamed of myself for sitting and watching almost all of Uptown Girls today. (I missed the beginning.) Why did a girl who publicly loathes chick flicks watch this? Because I recognized the guy and it was bugging me that I couldn’t place him. It took 45 minutes to realize it was Chase from House. By then I was sucked in. Also, why are “rock stars” in movies like that always so effing lame? That song was painful. Speaking of…

I will force my musical preferences on you. I don’t actually expect you to like any of it, but I will tell you this. I have the best taste in music of anyone I know. There are a few people that I share most of my tastes with, The BNB and I are nearly IDENTICAL. But there’s no need to go there just yet. Music is the way to this girl’s heart. Today I have been listening to Neko Case – Middle Cyclone on repeat. I have loved Neko Case for years. South Tacoma Way is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. When I listened to the title track to Middle Cyclone today I had one of my narcissistic music moments.

I am convinced, somehow, that these musicians I love write songs about/for me. The first time I listened to Lucero – Tennessee I was convinced Ben Nichols wrote that album about my heartbreak. No one else could possibly have felt that way before I had, so he must have been privy to my soul. See? I am an asshole. I connect to music better than I do most people. I’m sort of awkward. My brain works at about half the speed of my mouth. This does not work out in my favor most times. Oh well, you’ll have that.

I plan on spending the rest of my Saturday evening going through my life and boxing things up. I’m in purge mode. I need to start over. Hobnobs is supposed to be the change I need. I’m still nervous as hell. I can’t decide if I’m in love with Banky or not and there are still cracks in my foundation from Douche McGee. I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time. I do love an adventure.


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