So there’s this thing called Wordle. It’s a website where you can enter your blog’s URL and it makes you a pretty picture of the words that make up your blog. This was mine. More later, this deserved it’s own entry.
Words. Words. Words.
31 05 2009Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: only funny to me, words
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Brave with strangers
26 05 2009Before I get into anything serious (ie – The Banky Chronicles) I have to talk about something way more important.
Jon Snodgrass – Visitor’s Band. That album is AMAZING. Thank you to my darling Ruby Soho for getting it for me for my birthday. It’s a lot of polished versions of songs from Live at the High Dive, one of my favorite live albums ever. I’ve been on a big Drag The River kick lately, so Jon’s album feeds right into that. I also have been listening to Ben Nichols’ solo album a lot lately. Driving home this morning, Tennessee was in my CD player. I let it go. The difference in Ben’s voice from the early Lucero albums to now is unbelievable. I want to shake him and be like, “Hey…I love you. Please lay off the whiskey and marlboro reds before there is nothing left.” Banky says he sounds like he gargles with lava. I love that voice, but he’s going to lose it, or his liver if he doesn’t slow down.
Enough ranting about music. On to the good stuff. I got not one, but two presents from down south. I joked before he left I wanted an alligator. I got one. Well, part of one. Anyone who has ever spent any time in that part of the country, especially Louisiana, has seen the alligator heads in the tourist shops. I own one now. It is both awesome and terrifying. I chased the cat around with it earlier. She is not a fan.
He told me he would bring me an armadillo as well. Well. I got one. Sort of. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: banky, ben nichols, drag the river, jon snodgrass, lucero, music, only funny to me, ruby soho, wifey
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I am the cause and I am the cure
24 05 2009I know I promised to tell a bunch of stories this week and I didn’t. I suck at this. In my defense, it was birthday week. Yesterday I creeped that much closer to 30. I had an excellent night Friday with Savannah, Wifey, Martha and MFEO. We spent most of the day at the pool, I got burnt. Sunscreen apparently expires. I reapplied and reapplied and got scorched. That’s a new level of assholery right there. Anyway, thanks to all my ladies for turning it out and making the L&C + Martha birthday celebration amazing.
So, to what I was supposed to talk about. Meatlocker and Smirecrotch are Wifey and I’s comic book names. We have been building bonfires and getting drunk and talking shit on the weekends. AMAZING. Meatlocker is my name because I referred to my office as a meat locker and the next morning Wifey im’d me to ask how my meatlocker was. We both immediately thought of my vagina. Scary, but true. She’s smirecrotch because she went to sniff her leg in front of the fire the other night, I asked why and she said she wanted to see if it smelled like “smire” yet. Somehow we spent the next three hours getting drunk and talking about vaginas. Loudly. I bet the neighbors love us.
Unicorn teeth is another new Wifey nickname. She has a friend who speaks English as a second language. He told her the other night she had strawberry lips and unicorn teeth. That one writes itself, folks.
The elevator story wasn’t funny. The armadillo story is only funny to me apparently so on to the gold mine. I went to a leather bar. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: banky, martha, MFEO, only funny to me, only my life, savannah, wifey
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Restless. I still hear singing in the distance, and it’s killing me…so don’t bring it up.
18 05 2009Hi. Sorry about that.
This isn’t going to be some lengthy post explaining everything last week or the epic stories from this weekend. I’m still pretty conflicted about how I feel about certain people, places and things.
Things I do know for sure:
- I miss Totoro and MFEO. I know why I can’t talk to them right now, but it still sucks.
- Wifey and I are having a blast.
- I despise Jenny Jones with every atom in my body…and maybe some I borrowed from others.
- My roots are BAD and I need a pedicure.
- Banky isn’t the bad guy…but he’s not the good guy either.
- I will be 27 in four days and 30 minutes.
So there’s that. I’m not miserable right now. It’s almost Martha and mine’s birthday extravaganza and that will be amazing. All my favorite girls; Savannah, Wifey, MFEO and Martha plus a pool and Jell-o shots. What is there to not be excited about!? That’s doesn’t mean I’m content either. I have a very big problem I have told no one about. It’s going to stay that way too. I’m really stressed out and overwhelmed. It’s not a boy or work or any of that. It’s something very personal that is freaking me the fuck out. So if I seem weird, that’s mostly what’s up.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated about other things day to day. Jenny Jones is begging for me to push her down a well. Banky is either so sickeningly sweet I want to punch him, or so argumentative I want to make out with him. Then punch him. These things aren’t big deals though. I can usually shake them off. Now that Wifey and I have started drinking beer and building fires on the weekends, it’s even easier.
Things I promise to tell you about this week:
- The Adventures of Meatlocker and Smirecrotch
- Unicorn Teeth
- Saturday night at the local leather bar or: how to win gay porn in a raffle
- Why I’m not allowed on elevators
- The possibility of owning an armadillo
See? Those are all amazing things to look forward to. Just understand sometimes the crazy gets in the way and I need to walk away. Did I not tell you all that Mercury is in retrograde? Until the 30th. Until then, FML.
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Tags: banky, friends, girls, jenny jones, life, martha, MFEO, savannah, totoro, wifey
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If I owned this town, I’d sell it
14 05 2009I had an epic meltdown on Tuesday. I’m still not really ok. I will be, but I need to sort my head out before I can talk about it here. Hang in there, my few readers.
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All these little cowboys
11 05 2009I am evil. Truly. I have so much fun, it’s hard not to be, you know?
Friday, around 11:00 the Vampire came over. We took a long, fairly silent drive all over. It was foggy and the back roads were creepy. Sleepy Hollow with a full moon at midnight with the fog. CREEPY.
We talked a little bit. He is one of the few boys in my life I can tell anything to and he just gets it. No questions, no judgement and best of all…no advice. He just listens. Sometimes when I can just talk out loud I say things that I didn’t even realize I knew. For example; I was telling him about my dilemma with these three boys. A different part of me want each of them. I could be happy with any one of them in some capacity. However, part of me doesn’t want to be with any of them or anyone else for that matter. Then, I said it. “A small part of me still wants to be with Douche and I can’t be with anyone until that goes away.” Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: banky, family, i'm an asshole, only my life, vampire, wifey
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Middle of the day madness
7 05 2009Wifey and I spend a large majority of our day on iChat. It’s a constant battle to make the other one snort, choke, or spew liquid from some orifice. Ew. Anyway, she usually wins because her fingers/mouth work a lot faster than her brain. Case in point: Actual conversation we just had…too good not to share.
Me: “I know a lot of people who used to be gay; I don’t know anybody who used to be black.”
Wifey: who is that from?
Me: miss california’s pastor
Wifey: wow. um michael jordan used to be black
Wifey: fuck. jackson.
Add this to the constant banter about how Sascrotch is trying to escape and I am pretty sure today is the day I’m going to get fired. I was just informed that there is a related post on my last entry called – “Bowling for Tampons?” This blog is the best thing I’ve ever done. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: funny, only my life, wifey
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The wandering tampon and other short stories
6 05 2009How is it already 11:00? Maybe because I spent an hour on the phone with one friend and then another hour with Space Cowboy? Not to mention I cooked an amazing dinner and worked past 6:00 and stopped to see my grandmother. No wonder it’s 11:00. Fuck, it should be nearly midnight with everything I’ve done in the past five hours. But I digress.
Something hilarious happened today. Ok, so I thought it was funny as did my work girls. Then again, we were all a little slap happy and it doesn’t take much. MFEO laughed too…so I deem it funny and shareable.
It’s shark week. If you are unfamiliar with that terminology…it means I am a raging bitch this week because my uterus and ovaries are conspiring to kill me. Yep, I’m on the rag. So anyway, I get ready to run some errands at work today and I slip a tampon in my pocket on the off chance I may get five minutes to myself. I walk into the copy room to pick something up off the printer and my phone rings. It’s Space Cowboy! Of course I’m going to take it. I walk into the lunch room and sit down and explain to him my current issue (I’ll get to that) and he gives me excellent advice.
I hang up and walk back to my desk to grab the girls to go on a mailroom run. The mailroom is one floor down on the other side of the building. We walk down there, do our thing and walk back. This is maybe a 20 minute process. When I get back to my desk I go to grab the tampon out of my pocket. It’s gone. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: banky, friends, i can't believe they still pay me to work there, i'm an idiot, jenny jones, life, MFEO, only funny to me, only my life, poprocks, shark week, Space Cowboy, wifey
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Sooo…
6 05 2009Tonight was date night with the Wifey. Besides the fact that I drank so much beer and ate so much Mexican food I thought I was going to vom, seriously…there was not enough room for that beer, it was a good night.
GIANT Dos Equis Ambar and Wolverine. What more does a girl need? Apparently stronger drugs. I took a darvocet with dinner because a – my ass (tailbone) still hurts like a mother and b – I have epic cramps. For real, I think my uterus is trying to escape my body. I may let it if it destroys Jenny Jones. JJ is the boss lady. The resemblance is uncanny, I tell you.
I got nothing else for you tonight. I’m loopy, but not in a funny, random way. Besides the fact that I kept shouting WOLVERINES! on the way to the movie. Saturday I get to go see Star Trek with my daddy. Hi, I am kind of a nerd. But you think I’m cute, right?
Fuck my reproductive system, I’m going to bed.
OH! One more thing…so um, I read my blog stats this morning. There was a huge hike in readership and I don’t know why, but thank you! Anyway, one of the search terms that lead one poor, misguided soul here? “Green puke, roofied?” I shit thee not. I love the internet. If you’re reading this, I love you too. Sweet dreams.
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Tags: hilarious blog searches, jenny jones, only funny to me, phoning it in, shark week, wifey
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I’ve got friends in all the right places
5 05 2009I’d like to share with you two actual conversations that happened today. 1. Because they’re funny. 2. I’m pretty sure I have swine flu and am going to die at any moment. That would be welcome at this point. I feel like throwing up things I ate as a child. Gross. Anyway, conversation #1 took place via iChat (hence the no capitalization and probably questionable grammar) between myself and the Wifey while at work today. Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »
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Tags: ben nichols, drinking is bad ya'll, funny, Halpert, life, martha, Space Cowboy, wifey
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