A facebook quiz told me I’m “Garrulous”

30 06 2009

Also, Twitter put me on douche alert today and I have no idea why. What a day, ya’ll. What a day.

I got a lot of traffic! What up, new readers? Please come back. I promise the epic whine fest/Banky saga is OVAH. Also, I have something fun to talk about tonight. Until I decide on a name for the alter-ego blog, dating adventures will appear regularly in this space.

Now, a few things. Pet peeves regarding internet dating:

  1. Do not message me with a “hey” or “Wazzup”. If you can’t think of anything clever to say I probably can’t carry on a conversation with you. Buh Bye!
  2. Do NOT call me babe. This applies in any aspect of life. The tattoo reads “Nobody’s Darling” for a reason. I am not now, nor will I ever be, your “Baby Gurl.”
  3. Do not ask me a question that I clearly answered in my profile. I don’t like camping. I say that. Explicitly. Do not offer to take me camping and four wheeling so we can, and I quote, “git r done!”
  4. S-P-E-L-L-C-H-E-C-K. Use it. Also, maybe learn what a fucking possessive apostrophe is and where one goes. “Coomon interest’s” NO. BAD.
  5. Why is it that all the ads on these dating sites are for weight loss or teeth whitening? Like I don’t feel bad enough. Seriously.
  6. Why are you putting ads on my inbox page for BBW dating sites? Am I offended or confused? Do you think I am one or looking for one?

I now give you a gallery of my favorite ones.

This looks like a fucking Perez Hilton picture.

This looks like a fucking Perez Hilton picture.

This is just mean.

This is just mean.

So now I have to lose weight AND dress like a dayshift hooker?

So now I have to lose weight AND dress like a dayshift hooker?

Doubly offended again. Am I supposed to BE her or WANT her?

Doubly offended again. Am I supposed to BE her or WANT her?

Ok, I get it. You think I'm a twinkie eating fat ass! (For MFEO)

Ok, I get it. You think I'm a twinkie eating fat ass! (For MFEO)

And…in what may be the greatest present I have ever received… Toast has made a permanent spot in my heart for providing me with the following. That’s me.

You stay Classy, lowercases and capitals.

You stay Classy, lowercases and capitals.

He may be my favorite person today. That’s not really fair, because I’m starting to think I’ve made him up. He must be a figment of my imagination. No one is that awesome besides me. Mind reading, son of a bitch.

Apparently this also showed up next to my picture:

God bless the internet.

In other news, THERE WAS A SPIDER ON ME TODAY. I was on the phone with the dude with kids and I wasn’t listening. I look down (I was outside) and there is a spider crawling up my pants to get me and eat me. I shriek and start dancing like a maniac and doing some weird version of Riverdance to make sure I killed it dead. All while still on the phone. I am made of awesome. Like the time I was on the phone with J-Bear and I told him I thought my neighbor was a nympho because he was always burning things. I shouldn’t be allowed to speak to members of the opposite sex.

So anyway, I was watching L&O:SVU yesterday and for the first time ever it freaked me out. Child abuse? Rape? Fetish porn? Nah. Spiders. The woman was a spider venom collector. WORST. JOB. EVER. They kept showing spiders and then the creepy bitch busts some knowledge on me, “You are never more than six feet from a spider.” ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?! I could have lived my life very happily without that little nugget. It’s like when Wifey told me tarantulas (second biggest spider fear after camel spiders) live 10-30 years. There is a tarantula somewhere that was born before me. AND IS STILL ALIVE. I have now insured I will not sleep tonight. Kudos, me.


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I’ll jump in, but I don’t wanna swim

29 06 2009

Holy balls, ya’ll. What have I done?

I got this brilliant idea for a new blog the other night. One people might actually read… Anyway, as I was politely telling Banky to go fuck himself, and he was whining that he didn’t know about all my “rules”, I decided to write a manual. It started as a joke. I was going to write about all my crazy “rules”. I was then going to hand it over to any boy brave (read: stupid) enough to try and pursue me. Then it hit me. BLOG. Write about these adventures and why dating is the worst form of torture on Earth. Fuck waterboarding. Prisoners should be forced to proofread and edit dating site profiles. It is PAINFUL. Talking to these idiots is even worse.

Last summer Martha and I made a bet that I couldn’t find one dude worth a second date on Match. I feel like I’ve talked about this. Long story short, she actually won. I met a total sweetheart. We went out a lot for a few weeks and then it just stopped. I don’t know why. There wasn’t long term potential there, most likely, but I liked him.

That was the final straw. I gave up and walked away from it. I embraced singledom and freedom. Then I met Banky. It was just the right time and place and we started off doing everything right. Then I realized he was a tool. I mean, I feel bad sometimes. I trash him here. He’s not a bad person, he is just a shit boyfriend. He is still my friend. Sort of. I have no ill will towards him, I just want to choke him until he passes out. Some days.

I’m getting distracted. So in order to start this new dating adventure blog, I have to…date. This goes against everything I stand for. However, I will stop at nothing to entertain my friends. I sign up for a free internet dating site. Mistake #1. Within moments I am inundated with responses. Some of them were just painful. No imagination or creativity. Some just said, “hi”.

Then…there was Toast. As soon as I saw his screen name I knew I was going to like him. Then we started to talk…and talk…and talk. The more we talked the more I realized I was having conversations with myself. My stubborn ass, music obsessed self. The flood of guilt was shocking to me. I’ve said I’ve met the male version of me before, but never like this. It’s terrifying and amazing all at once. I don’t even know what to think or do. So I told the truth. I told him my intentions with this new blog and the dating and I even told him about this blog. I figure if he can read this and still talk to me… Well. Yeah. Read the rest of this entry »


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Please turn the volume down if you’re gonna walk away

27 06 2009

Apparently two out of the three members…wait…four, yeah four members of Stick Figure Drawings read my myspace blog. This lead to me getting a demo of one of their new songs. It’s good. I am apparently getting a copy of the album soon too. Yay! They’re excellent.

Armageddon happened last night. Crazy storms. Didn’t pass out until after 3:00am. Work was rough. I can’t believe I am still awake. Part of it is because my sister called and told me they found a lump on my dad’s prostate. She’s oddly calm, which means I am the one freaking out. I have mixed emotions on this. I’m a little scared, yes. We have our moments, but he’s still my dad. We’ve been heading back towards estranged lately. I was hurt he didn’t call me on my birthday so I was immature and didn’t call him on his or Father’s day.

I am an asshole.

I’m not going to go into any of that hot mess tonight. If you think about it though, please send some positive thoughts my way. He is calling the doctor back on Monday.

I am exhausted. Sleepy time.


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She warned him once about her luck

23 06 2009

If one of you, just one of you, knew the Avett Brothers were in town on Sunday night and didn’t tell me…I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish. HOW DID I MISS THIS??

To make matters worse, they’re playing a FREE SHOW in Detroit next Thursday. I can’t go. I have pet sitting duties. I kind of want to weep furiously right now. The Avett Brothers are my new Dropkick Murphys. I will NEVER see them until I’m too old for it to be cool. Le sigh.

Seriously friends, if you knew they were here and didn’t tell me/surprise me with a ticket I will skin you and wear you. I’m THAT angry I missed them. They even played up north the night before so my chances of running into Douche McGee and his whore were slim. GAH!

Whatever. Moving on…

Some of these I have talked about, but these are the songs I currently can’t stop listening to. Obsessively. So you should be listening to them too.

Snowglobe – Ms. June

I really can’t stop listening to this song. On repeat. It’s amazing. It’s my new favorite song…along with all the other songs I’m about to list. It sounds like something out of a Wes Anderson film. It’s pretty, catchy and frantic all at once. Thank you $5 Cover for giving me Snowglobe.

Frontier Folk Nebraska – On The Devil’s Time (Black Horse)

I fell in love with this band last week. I have listened to their album over and over and it’s brilliant. This song in particular is amazing. I love the banjo, and the lyrics. At 1:58 magic happens. The whole album is amazing, but this is the song I find myself singing along to the loudest.

Holly Golightly – Anyway You Like It

Oh man. This girl’s voice…the old country/blues mix. I stumbled across this by chance on lala.com while searching for any Pearlene songs I didn’t have. This was on the same comp as a Pearlene song and it’s just solid. It’s like if the chick from Mazzy Star decided to sing the blues while the band played for Patsy Cline. Or something.

Ben Nichols – Dog Day Nights

Ben Nichols. Solo. Do I need to say anything else? No. But I will. This song is featured on a compilation of Arkansas musicians. I stumbled across this by mistake too. It is pure rock and roll. It could have been recorded 50 years ago. It recalls old Elvis, but with that unmistakable Nichols growl. The guitar kills on this song. You will shake your ass. Guaranteed.

Cory Branan – Survivor Blues (acoustic)

This was the first Cory song I ever heard and it is probably still my favorite. The self described “douchey singer songwriter” version gives it a different feel but it doesn’t lose any of it’s edge or power. It’s just prettier. Cory has a knack for singing these songs about terrible things so sweetly you don’t even notice half the time. Listen to the words to Love Song 8 from The Hell You Say. Seriously. Just the opening line.

Armchair Martian – Monsters/Mexican Song/The Statler Pat

All three of these songs have some of the most well written and brutally honest lyrics I have ever heard. Aside from the fact that I am totally in love with Jon Snodgrass’s music in any form, these are three beautifully written songs. Monsters is a soft acoustic ballad that sounds like heartbreak over the bridge. Mexican Song is another slow one (that I have a great version of Jon doing live) that I love just for the words. It’s one of those I should keep to myself, it’s personal. I take all my music personally though. Statler Pat is just fucking great and I really love the version Bad Astronaut did on the split with Armchair. Again, all I have to say is Jon, like Cory and Ben, has a way with words.

Vitamin String Quartet – The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows/The Kids Aren’t Alright

I hate to call these covers…tributes? This band takes songs by just about everyone and anyone and arranges them with just strings. It’s fucking insane. Brand New is unashamedly one of my favorite bands and has been for the last seven years. Deja Entendu was my first Tennessee. The album that could always make it better. Quiet Things is off that album and also where I got the name for my “real” blog. While I prefer the original, the tribute is pretty. What I like better than the original is the tribute to Offspring’s The Kids Aren’t Alright. The string arrangement turns this mediocre pop punk song into something so indescribably beautiful. It gave me goosebumps the first time I heard it. VSQ did a whole Warped Tour album as well as an entire Bad Religion album. They are fucking awesome.

Now that I’ve given you all that unsolicited musical advice, I’m going to bed. Work is kicking my ass this week and I am exhausted. Banky is not helping. I’m going to stab him. Love you all. xx


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Nothing scars you deeper than the things you haven’t done

23 06 2009

Last Thursday night was one of those nights. The ones I can’t quite believe as they’re happening and I have to pinch myself. I spend the majority of the following day telling anyone who will listen all about it.

Settle in, kids. This one is gold.

Last Thursday Cory Branan played at a local bar. I would have written about it sooner, but I am TIRED, ya’ll. Anyway, I have been looking forward to this show since it was announced. I loooove Cory. It’s a school night, but I don’t care. This is Cory Branan!

I head down alone, but it doesn’t matter. I know I’ll know people when I get there. Plus, some shows I prefer to go alone. Music is kind of my kryptonite. Certain songs mean too much to me to share with just anyone. I love that silly little quote, “her favorite song will tell you more about her than her lips will”, or something. So true.

I get there a little after 8:00. The show was supposed to start at 8:00 according to Cory’s facebook. It lied. It starts at 9:00. I feel like an asshole. I am sitting outside drinking a beer and looking across Music Bridge at the Scripps building. Not a bad view. All of the sudden, I hear someone say the BNB’s name so I turn around. It’s my friend, Charlie 2. He is named thus because he sounds EXACTLY like Charlie from Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Thank the sweet baby jesus, Charlie 2 is there. He tells me to go ahead and go upstairs. Awesome. It’s about quarter til when I walk in. Now at least I can drink beer in the air conditioning.

The first band was Frontier Folk Nebraska. They were amazing and I can’t stop listening to their album on lala. I am in love.

As they’re playing I see Cory walk over by the door/merch. I jokingly tell Charlie 2 not to let me tackle him. Because seriously, I want to just pour my heart out to the guy. If Ben Nichols made me understand heartbreak, Cory Branan taught me how to fall in love again. Well, it’s a work in progress, but we’re getting there.

I decide to be lame. These guys are my heroes. I’m going to be a fangirl and ask for a picture. So I introduce myself and we talk for a few minutes and Charlie 2 takes an adorable picture. The first thing Cory says to me when I ask him for a picture is “I apologize, I smell real bad.” I respond with “It’s ok, I probably do too.” Nice, l&c. I am totally geeked. I try to pretend I’m cool, but the truth is…I’m just not.

Read the rest of this entry »


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Keep your feet on the ground

17 06 2009

I re-discovered a band today. It happens to me quite frequently actually. This one happens to be a…cover band? You can’t really use the term “cover”…tribute? Anyway, they’re called Vitamin String Quartet and they happened to do a “tribute” to the very song I named this blog from. It’s gorgeous. They also have a Warped Tour tribute album and a Bad Religion tribute among many others. I am very much in love. I already have Totoro hooked. They happen to do a really pretty version of “our” song. My sisters and I have whole soundtracks, Totoro and I in particular have a running list of songs we profess to hate but secretly love. Hawthorne Heights – Ohio Is For Lovers is on that list. Dinga has that roar down perfectly. I miss them.

Vitamin String Quartet – The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows


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Someday this pain will be useful to you

16 06 2009

Boring stuff first…mostly so I don’t forget.

Searches that lead to my blog: winsom3,  i think i got roofied,  if you had a part of me will you take your time,  a softer world there are no sweeter words than this nothing lasts forever,  “i am the cause and i am the cure”

Mostly lyrics and I get a lot of hits from ASW. Winsom3 is a friend of mine’s Twitter name so it’s odd that it lead to my blog. Anyway…

Good stuff. Or bad stuff. However you want to look at it.

  1. A text message I receive this evening. Verbatim. “I just read the twitter tag #iranelection as #analerection.” That is being sent to Texts From Last Night, posthaste.
  2. I had dinner with my sort of estranged uncle last night. It was very good. I have missed him. The man is amazing and inspires me to learn and grow as a person. Plus he’s insufferably cool.
  3. My aunt is in rehab in Dallas, Tx. Very far away from here. I hope she gets the help she needs.
  4. I have an interview for a part-time job on Friday. More money means escaping faster.
  5. I am starting to really hate Banky. He is a smug asshole and I would ignore him but he doesn’t let me. So I just piss him off until he leaves me alone.
  6. I just had something in mind and it’s gone now. I blame Banky. Because I can. Also, I was talking about him and it chased whatever was next out of my brain. Damn.
  7. Cory Branan is this week. I am most likely going alone. I don’t care.
  8. The new Sage Francis mixtape is AMAZING and free! Check out Strange Famous for the download.
  9. I feel like I wanted to talk about Detroit, but I don’t remember what I wanted to say besides the obvious.
  10. $5 Cover ended up being really good.

I guess I should do more than just make a list of shit. OH, and #6 just re-entered my brain. It has nothing to do with Detroit. It was an annoying end to an annoying week. I wake up Friday morning and I have a text from facebook informing me I have a message from Douche McGee’s mother. Fuuuck. This woman is kind of like the Creepy Old Dude Stalker from last summer. This is the same guy I saw at both Lucero shows last month. Thank the baby Jesus that Woodership Down was with me. He protected me. Ok, not that I need protecting or that this guy is an actual threat…he’s just…thick. Long story short, we went out on one date. I turned him down every time he’d ask me out after that, never returned emails, wouldn’t give him my number after he told me he lost it and finally deleted him from myspace. He STILL messaged me after that. Then he followed me to Louisville to see Lucero and stood behind me the whole time. THE POINT IS…he couldn’t. take. a. hint.

After the breakup I went through a string of meaningless flings. Men would get attached to me and I would turn tail and run. Far and fast. I learned over those brief and horrible months that the easiest way to make someone feel like total shit (at the hands of my ex) was simply to ignore them. Ignore all attempts at communication. Delete/block from all social networking sites, do not return calls/emails/texts. Sure every six months or so the truly stupid ones will try again, but for the most part it’s effective if you stick to it.

My ex’s mother is another one that just does. not. get. it. Read the rest of this entry »


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Say Yes! To M!Ch!Gan!

12 06 2009

I want to write about what a hard week this has been. I want to write about how sad I am. I want to write about how much pain and loss I feel for Detroit right now.

I can’t.

I’m too hurt and overly emotional to do anything other than rant about how unfair life is and this week has been. We all know life isn’t fair. If you don’t learn that by the age of three then you’re an idiot. That doesn’t mean you have to like it, just accept it.

I wanted my mitten brethren to have something to smile about. Sure, it’s just a game you say. You’ve never been in Detroit during Wings season. It gives them hope. Something to be proud of and something to root for. They gather around televisions with their friends and families and cheer their team on. A team that let them down tonight. Just like the auto industry, just like Motown, just like everything else in that city. Still, they carry on. They help their neighbors who have lost jobs, they donate time and money to charity. They are fighters. Detroit will not fall…even if the Red Wings did.


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If you had a part of me, will you take your time?

12 06 2009

I am an asshole. Sometimes I don’t know how I have lasted the 20something years I have graced this Earth. Ok, so I’m not like…Paris Hilton dumb…but somedays my brain takes naps and forgets to tell me.

I love Twitter, ya’ll. LOVE IT. I am a random girl with many random thoughts. I can share them via Twitter and amuse my friends and myself. Win, y/y? Anyway, about a week or so ago I gained a new follower. Usually I block anyone I don’t know. The only reason it’s public is so it shows up on here. Which kind of blows my whole anonymity thing…maybe I will change my name to “kittentits”. Don’t worry, I’ll connect all this eventually.

So, new follower. He is from this craphole I call home. I decide to let him stay out of morbid curiosity. I figure my tweets will scare him off in time. Nope. He’s still following me. Now, I’m curious. So…I am ashamed to admit..I facebook him. This is mostly done out of a fear that we have common friends. This is the biggest little city in the world, you know. We do not. So my reputation does not precede me. *GIANT SIGH OF RELIEF* Oh. Wait. He follows me on Twitter. IT DOESN’T NEED TO.

I test out his curiosity yesterday, and tweet something mentioning I wonder what he thinks of me as I am obvioslut (type and so keeping it) a total spazz. No response. Well, fine then Mr. Twitter, if you have nothing to say to me, don’t follow me. Duh.

Then this morning I tweet that I am laughing to keep from crying because yesterday…yesterday was just sad and hard. He replies! “At least you’re laughing”. He is a real boy! This is where the funny comes in…finally, I know. I go on this epic stream of consciousness tweetfest. I end it, right before lunch, with something about everyone’s tweets being morose and to stop. That’s my job. He replies “bless you!” I’m slightly confused. I reply something about a girl has to keep any job she has IN THIS ECONOMY, even if it’s just being an asshole, in reference to the morose tweet.

I am telling Martha this story at lunch and it hits me. Previous tweet – “I just sneezed with pretzel in my mouth, no words just fail.” I am so stupid. He probably now thinks I  am an even bigger spazz. Awesome. Read the rest of this entry »


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I love you, interwebz

9 06 2009

I couldn’t make this up. I really couldn’t.

Most used searches to lead to my blog: ”my complete lack of grace”, “fuck my reproductive system”, my complete lack of grace, nostalgia isn’t what it used to be meaning, roofied girls

The quotation marks just make it, don’t you think?

Overheard in my office today:

“I’m going to get a tattoo that says ‘I heart Stalin’!”  ”That’s cheaper than a…chicken wing!”

I took an epic nap when I got home. Pretty much I’ve been asleep since I got home around 6:00. I did manage to wake up long enough to eat and watch some show on NatGeo about Egypt’s Valley of The King’s and how it was all started by a girl pharaoh. Word. I have nothing else of any value to offer. Please go…but come back tomorrow.


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