Holy balls, ya’ll. What have I done?

I got this brilliant idea for a new blog the other night. One people might actually read… Anyway, as I was politely telling Banky to go fuck himself, and he was whining that he didn’t know about all my “rules”, I decided to write a manual. It started as a joke. I was going to write about all my crazy “rules”. I was then going to hand it over to any boy brave (read: stupid) enough to try and pursue me. Then it hit me. BLOG. Write about these adventures and why dating is the worst form of torture on Earth. Fuck waterboarding. Prisoners should be forced to proofread and edit dating site profiles. It is PAINFUL. Talking to these idiots is even worse.

Last summer Martha and I made a bet that I couldn’t find one dude worth a second date on Match. I feel like I’ve talked about this. Long story short, she actually won. I met a total sweetheart. We went out a lot for a few weeks and then it just stopped. I don’t know why. There wasn’t long term potential there, most likely, but I liked him.

That was the final straw. I gave up and walked away from it. I embraced singledom and freedom. Then I met Banky. It was just the right time and place and we started off doing everything right. Then I realized he was a tool. I mean, I feel bad sometimes. I trash him here. He’s not a bad person, he is just a shit boyfriend. He is still my friend. Sort of. I have no ill will towards him, I just want to choke him until he passes out. Some days.

I’m getting distracted. So in order to start this new dating adventure blog, I have to…date. This goes against everything I stand for. However, I will stop at nothing to entertain my friends. I sign up for a free internet dating site. Mistake #1. Within moments I am inundated with responses. Some of them were just painful. No imagination or creativity. Some just said, “hi”.

Then…there was Toast. As soon as I saw his screen name I knew I was going to like him. Then we started to talk…and talk…and talk. The more we talked the more I realized I was having conversations with myself. My stubborn ass, music obsessed self. The flood of guilt was shocking to me. I’ve said I’ve met the male version of me before, but never like this. It’s terrifying and amazing all at once. I don’t even know what to think or do. So I told the truth. I told him my intentions with this new blog and the dating and I even told him about this blog. I figure if he can read this and still talk to me… Well. Yeah.

I have no idea what I’m doing. Honestly. I technically had two dates yesterday. I realized very quickly I’m not cut out for this. I hate people and I really hate dating. Date #1 actually went well. The boy is so very sweet and pretty cute. But, he is just that. A boy. He’s 24, divorced and has two children and baby mama drama. He is not for me. I fear he has already fallen for the classic l&c charms.

These poor boys don’t know what to do with a girl like me. I act like on of the guys, I’ve got a killer rack and I’m hilarious. Don’t forget modest. Guys who have been with crazy girls before are attracted to the difference. I am so detached emotionally these days and it translates into awesome girlfriend potential. Sounds odd, but stay with me. I don’t care where you go, who you’re with or what you do. Don’t lie to me and come home. Eventually. That’s all I ask. Sounds ideal, right?

It is until they get attached and I can’t. This dude keeps calling and texting and I just can’t function like that. I need my space. I don’t deal well with neediness. Thank god he wants to keep his kids out of it. They have a mother. If they didn’t slide out of my vagina, I have no interest in them. Minus Button, of course. She’s my main girl.

Date #2 was a disaster. He kept play hitting me. Then he tried to kiss me. ABORT! ABORT! Look. I don’t like being touched. If I don’t know you, you stay three feet away. Understood? If we’re homies, I will be all up ons. First date? Hell naw. Unholy fuckery! I don’t know you, I don’t want your lips anywhere near mine, Mr. Sierra Club. He then proceeded to go through my iPod. He had nothing to say about anything but insisted we probably had 75% in common. I call instant bullshit on that. He doesn’t listen to any punk rock and that’s a good 40% of my iPod. Easily. Lucero is 2% of my iPod. I just calculated it. Daaaaamn.

I haven’t heard from him since. Bless you random deity. Bless you.

I have to share a few more gems. This may be my favorite example of why I don’t date and why I want to punch most Marines in the face. Marines flock to me. I wish I knew why. My experience with Marines is they are almost all Grade A Tool. Clark and Space Cowboy being pretty much the only exception. Besides their friend who loves The Misfits. Mmm. He is a Marine I would not punch in the face. Unless it was with my face. Especially the lip part of my face.

Ahem, so as I was saying…Marine. We’re chatting, he’s being flirty. I’m a flirt. I’ll play along. If I know I have no interest what so ever, I pander. I am a fucking asshole. So we’re flirting and he tells me I should come over to his house for a drink so we can get wasted and not worry about cops. Yeah, ok asshole, I’ll just take the roofie on my way over and save you the trouble. Fuck you. I tell him, maybe after we get to know each other and how about a drink in public first. This guy is blog gold. He then asks me how big my tatas are.

I start to see red. I just stop talking to him so I don’t completely lose my shit on him. He then starts a barrage of messages apologizing and begging my forgiveness and giving me his number. Begging me to talk to him and give him a chance. Desperation smells, darlin’. Go find some lesser girl to date rape. K, thanks and bye.

Then I get a message from another guy. Hi, want to chat blah blah blah, do you have aol? I’ll give anyone my iChat over my phone number because there is that beautiful block function. So I give him my screen name. This is the transcript, I’ve bolded my favorite parts. Also, I can’t figure out how to fucking format this without the line breaks. Sorry.

Him:hi

L&C: hi

Him: how are you

L&C: good, yourself

Him: so what are you looking for?

L&C: some advil at the moment but i am guessing you mean in a relationship

Him: both are acceptable as long as you address them

L&C: well i have a headache – hence the advil and for relationship…i’m open to whatever right now

Him: so when do u wanna get together

L&C: when i know your name

Him: m***** so what do u wanna do

L&C: well m*****, i’m pretty laid back. grab a beer, get to know each other

Him: why are you single and where u wanna go

L&C (starting to lose her patience): because i got out of a long term relationship and i needed some time. what part of town are you in?

Him: REDACTED have u had enough time yet

L&C: i think so, it’s been 2 years

Him: so ur ready for something where do u live

L&C: i guess it’ll depend on the person, if it feels right. i live in REDACTED

Him:cool

L&C (has lost her shit): i’m getting ready to walk out the door, can we continue this later?

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I’m being serious. I can’t fucking do this.

Other sample messages, not that I need to say this, but um….SIC.

how u doing ma,u pretty damn fine.

HEY WHATS UP, HOW WAS UR WEEKEN?

Hello How are you? My name is j**** and I am very interested in speaking to you, you seem like a very nice person and I think we could be really good friend’s and possibley more. I Love the outdoor’s and I love animal’s, I am a big football fan and I also Ride a Harley. Would you be interested in talking and getting to know eachother? I would Love to maybe take you for a ride on the bike or to dinner and a movie, Please read my profile and message me back, I am looking forward to speaking to you.

Hi there…
My name is A**** and I liked your profile, you sound like an interesting woman and you are also gorgeous! I would like to get to know you better.

i think we would have a great time together, because 1. we are both single and gorgeous 2. the same age 3. no kids 4. we both seem to make good money. 4. we we enjoy the same things. 5. and we both live in c****

Hi I have a tool, does that count? lol (my headline is “looking for Mr. I hope you’re not a tool)

Subject line: im kinda a tool Body: i love your evil look

I’m 27, and I’m pretty interesting and funny, so you’d better like to laugh. ive never met a woman that prefers a dive bar but if you got your scuba gear lets go diving! anyway just hit me back on here if u think u can handle it. if you brave enough to jump right in just text my phone REDACTED

Do you see why I prefer my single girl status? Jesus, lord. I need a good stiff drink just thinking about this nonsense. A tiny little part of me wants to call Banky up and ask him if he can ignore everything I said last week and we can go back to our fauxmance. I have to focus on the prize here folks. These are going to be bad. Like, BAD. If this doesn’t get me my book deal…I will quit writing. I mean, seriously, the world needs to hear these stories.

I am going to try and do this through the rest of summer just to get enough material, but I have a feeling another week and I’ll be ready to slit my damn wrists. Keep me sane, ya’ll…I’m doing this for you. Selfish bastards.