I am in a state of panic.
I spent most of tonight making a calendar of what to study and when. When things are due and when I’ll take practice tests. I am seriously one sad song away from bawling. My chest aches.
I’m so scared.
I’m scared to take the GRE. I’m scared to apply to grad school. I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I’m scared to leave. I’m scared to stay. I’m scared I’ll never be sure of anything ever again.
I can’t do anything except listen to this song right now.
I felt the Lord begin
To peel off all my skin
And I felt the weight within
Reveal a bigger mess
That you can’t fix
I swear, I swear I’ll go
Lead me into my home
Don’t stop, don’t ever go
I swear you’ll never know
You’ll never know
Fucking poetry. The magic happens at 2:35. Seriously, my heart hurts when it gets to that part. Music is my fucking soulmate.
I told my sister earlier, I think I just need to go for a drive and cry it out. Just let it all go. This weekend should be good for me. Road trips always make me feel better. Seeing Chi-town, Fred, Space Cowboy and Halpert can’t hurt either.
I was reminded again today that I have an amazing group of friends. Even if I didn’t come right out and say I was upset, a lot of them reached out and did little things that totally cheered me up. MFEO called and we got to talk for a minute. I heard the baby cry and I got really confused for a minute. I miss her. I’m so retardedly happy for her, but I miss her.
Do you ever jump into something head first and the second before you hit the water, suddenly think to yourself, “Hmm, maybe this wasn’t the best idea…”
Yeah. Me either.
I know everything is going to work out the way it is meant to. I actually got some sound advice from Banky tonight. He said something to the effect of whatever happens may open up a new path for me. That’s what I’m hoping for.
I was going to go into more detail about some of the other things freaking me out, but…I don’t wanna. So I’ma go spend some more time with my study guide and go to sleep.
Best o’ luck, lady. You’re wicked smart. I’d help you study if I could. You’re gonna make that test your bitch.
I hope so…glad one of us has confidence in my ability to math.
*sigh*
i literally sighed as i started to write this.
now listen, here’s the deal. or deal-i0 or whatever.
life is not certain. there is no “for sure” outcome. there is no safe time, or better time, or perfect time…. or even perfect timing.
life is a mess and it involves a finite amount of uncertainty. the only thing you need to make a decision and go a new direction is confidence in yourself that if the bottom falls out or if the situation doesn’t make you happy that you have the smarts and the balls to pick yourself up and find the path you are supposed to be on.
so…. put on your big girl panties and jump. jump. live. take risks without second guessing. be confident in the direction of your hopes and dreams. i’ve got a compass and skype account and we can always get whiskey…
I know this. I know all of this. I have been through worse. I have gone through the scariest thing ever to happen to me and come out stronger and more confident than ever.
I’m still scared. I know I shouldn’t be, but it’s just SO. FUCKING. MUCH. My brain is overloaded and my heart just learned how to beat again and here it is being stolen away.
You know, it’s just money. It’s just time. I’ve never had a whole lot of either and I’ve been happy and I’ve figured it out. I’ll pick up the pieces and move on. I just wish it could be easy for once. One decision. One time.
Skype + you x whiskey/soon = yes?
See? This is why I avoid math. THAT is the kind of math I do.
“He said something to the effect of whatever happens may open up a new path for me.”
I think Banky was still drunk and was at a bar where they were playing that crappy 90′s song “I Hope You Dance.”
“Do you ever jump into something head first and the second before you hit the water, suddenly think to yourself, “Hmm, maybe this wasn’t the best idea…””
Well, yeah- I do that all the time, because I do all the stupid things I come up with, just to see what happens. Otherwise, where’s the fun? Got to explore life a bit before you stop living it.
Hahaha, oh no. Nooooo no. If there’s one redeeming quality about that man, it is his (usually) wonderful taste in music. He’s actually one of those annoyingly positive people.
There’s a difference between exploring and being reckless. Caution comes with age.