I can’t fucking sleep. It hasn’t been this bad in a long time.
It’s not from a lack of trying. I was in bed by 8:00 tonight. I was so exhausted all day. Two diet Mt. Dews and I still couldn’t keep my eyes open. I came home and curled up on the couch for about 30 minutes. When I was almost asleep I came upstairs and got in bed. I was mostly asleep/in and out for awhile. At 11:00 I woke up. And here we are an hour and a half later.
I am fucking exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. My body is begging for it. It. Will. Not. Come. I even took a sleeping pill. Now granted, that rx is three years old…so they’re probably not very effective anymore…but I am that desperate.
Everything is so loud. My laptop is humming and it sounds like a fucking freight train. I can’t sleep without music playing, though. I keep the volume so low it’s just white noise essentially. I tried turning it off. Still. No. Sleep.
So besides the obvious, why can’t I sleep? Well…part of it is a boy. I am sad and hurt and confused. I’m also disappointed. I don’t understand. I just don’t. I listened to Tennessee and That Much Further West today. Bad move. I almost started bawling at my desk. Ben Nichols, you’re a dick. He knows my pain, he doesn’t have to share it with everyone.
Speaking of…I’m angry. Dinga turns 18 this week. She’s been a total asshole for the last two years and I don’t know that being a legal adult is going to straighten her out at all. Anyway, I had this dream in one of the few hours I managed to sleep. In it she quoted Lucero in her facebook status and I got pissed and called Totoro to yell at her about it. Dinga doesn’t have any idea what those words mean. She tried to pretend she liked them when Totoro and I were at the height of our pity party. She abandoned them. She only liked Ben’s words when they fit her life.
Anyway…I log onto facebook and I’ll be godamned…she quoted Lucero in her facebook status. I’m a fucking psychic. This wasn’t anything predictable. The bitch never updates her facebook and as far as I know she hasn’t listened to Lucero in well over a year. So I’m pissed. Naturally. I call Totoro. No answer. She and legwarmers are probably playing WoW. I have the lamest sisters ever. Seriously.
I started thinking about it and remembered being a little kid and doing this. When I was probably 5-7 is when it happened the most. I’d have dreams about things happening and then they would. I think I still do it fairly often because sometimes my deja vu senses get all tingly at the weirdest times. Maybe I’m just really good at predicting my life, I don’t know…but it’s just…unsettling. When I do remember my dreams, they are so vivid and realistic. I’ve had several dreams I’ve had to ask myself later whether or not it really happened. My brain is a fucked up place, ya’ll.
I can’t stop yawning. My eyes are watering. It’s been about 20 minutes…I’m going to try sleep again. I may be back…
