I am too old to stay out until 3:00am.
Last night was Charlie 2′s going away party. He’s moving to Fort Collins, CO and he and Jon Snodgrass are going to be BFF. He’s also going to tell Virgil from Suburbanhome that I am a really nice girl and please don’t hate me for not liking Micah Schnabel.
Anyway, I went with BNB. We sat there and bitched most of the night about how we didn’t know anybody and from the looks of it, we didn’t want to. We’re both so disenchanted with this town. I was drinking Makers and coke and I think the bartender was forgetting the coke part. I only had two, because I knew I wasn’t about to stay the night at BNB’s, but it was making me sleepy. We went back to his place and watched some hilarious movie. The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down. I fell asleep part of the way through. I had a warm dog curled up on me. I couldn’t help it.
I drove home and crawled into bed around 3:30. I woke up at 9:30. I was up until about 10:30/11:00 and then I took a nap. All that sleeplessness this week hit me. The bourbon didn’t help. I’m supposed to be getting ready and parking my ass at Starbucks to conference with Chi-town about my resume and essays. The Scotsman wants me to come over tonight. I’m not sure that’s going to happen.
I had an epiphany this week, sort of. That’s probably not the right word. I’ve being trying to fix my heart up the past few months. I decided I really missed The Crush so on the advice of Lex, I sent him a cute, lighthearted email. No reply. But maybe his email changed? Facebook says yes… Either way, can I just be honest with ya’ll? It hurts. It hurts way more than I want to admit. Even to myself. I don’t even know how to explain it. I think I was totally in love with the idea of him. I was so in awe of the fact that he even existed. I was sure I’d made him up. So I let myself think that maybe I had finally met someone worth my time. And then, just like that, he disappeared. I got a cryptic text message once and ever since then I’ve been sort of in a daze, trying to figure out how I fucked this up. I mean, it felt like a sure thing. And now it’s a dull ache and it has put me back into my avoidance phase.
I don’t know what’s going on right now. There’s a lot of craziness and uncertainty. So it makes sense that I shouldn’t even be thinking about relationships in any capacity. But my heart has always had a very loud voice. It’s screaming at me right now, so I listened to it. As usual, I’m regretting it. I wish I could just un-meet him. I wish that I didn’t know there was a boy out there that happened to be everything I’ve ever wished or hoped for. I mostly wish I hadn’t had that glimpse into what life would have been like if we could have worked it out. I think that’s what hurts the most.
Chi-town and I had this great conversation about fate. I’ve always been one of those people who says, yes. I believe. It’s the only way some things make sense. Her professor challenged the old “everything has a meaning” view with the idea that we assign meaning to the things that happen. It’s a form of rationalization. That really made me think. I think I believe that. When something horrible happens to you that you can’t explain, you say there’s a reason for it and it’ll be clear when it’s meant to. It’s meant to teach you something. But what if bad shit just happens? We tell ourselves there’s a reason so we don’t all end up slitting our fucking wrists open. Deep thoughts, ya’ll.
Anyway, enough of my sad sack bullshit. I have things to do! I have my resume to complete and my essay(s) to write! I am so pissed I left my headphones at work, because otherwise I’d be listening to this lady all day. I want to wrap her voice around me like a velvet snuggie and sleep for a month.
Jessica Lea Mayfield – We’ve Never Lied
