So do American girls.

I found out yesterday that Space Cowboy is getting deployed to Afghanistan in April. At first I kind of just ignored it. Clark made it back just fine from Iraq. Space Cowboy has three times the common sense and half the desire to do really stupid shit. He’ll be fine. I talked to him for a long time last night and it seemed like April was ages away.

Then I started to let it creep into my brain. I started actually thinking about it. Then I watched the news tonight. Then the Scotsman told me about this song:

I bawled so hard I snotted on my keyboard. No. This is unacceptable. The Marine Corps does not get to take him away from me. They don’t even get to borrow him. I am not ok with this. I was a mess when Clark was over there and at that point, we had sort of drifted a bit. Space Cowboy is one of my very best friends. Ever. In this life and for every other one I have I hope it stays that way. I love him fiercely and I am totally crying again. I know he’ll be ok. He has to. The universe is not that heartless. Right? I can’t live in a world without him.

I recently (as in last night) told Jami that she should be friends with him because, duh. They are two peas in a little pod of sarcasm. I want everyone to know how wonderful he is. Funny, loyal, kind and generous…that’s my Space Cowboy. The world needs more dudes like him, not less. So fuck you, Marine Corps. Hands off my kool-aid! You are not allowed to ruin his life. I don’t want him to get fucked up over there. Seriously, it would break my heart. I don’t want him to see that shit. I know I can’t protect everyone, I know. But I’ll try my damndest.

So, dear Marine Corps…NO. Not this time. Oh, and while we’re at it, Marine Corps…so help me Jesus if you accept my little brother into your ranks and try to pull this fuckery with him too? You will end. Do you hear that? I WILL FUCKING END YOU, MARINE CORPS. This isn’t just like the time you ruined our plans to go see Lucero…this is REAL. Keep him safe, Marines or you will rue the day. RUE, DAMNIT!!

You do realize the entire time he’s gone I’m going to do nothing but listen to that song, watch Jarhead and cry, right? I didn’t watch the news or read the paper the entire time Clark was gone and I am going to have to do that again. Every time I hear “X Marines killed in blah blah blah today” my heart stops and I can’t breathe. STOP DOING THIS TO ME.

I am a total hot mess right now and I’m sure none of this made any sense. I am past the point of exhaustion. OU emailed me twice, that shit is getting real, it was a bad day at the rodeo and everything is hitting me all at once and I am so fucking scared of life right now and all I want is some fucking security. Part of that is knowing where everyone I love is and that they’re safe. I mean, not that any one of you couldn’t get run over by a bus tomorrow, (dear god, don’t. just don’t) but we don’t think about the every day bullshit and dangers of life. It would be impossible to make it through the day if we did.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the scariness that is in the world and how terrifying even your next breath can be in certain moments. Part of how I deal with that is the knowledge that if I fall down, there are people who are always going to be there to pick me up. Space Cowboy is one of those people. He always listens to me, even when I’m being a total lunatic. He makes me feel like the most important girl in the world on the days where I feel insignificant. I know he’s always just a phone call away. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want anything to change!

I need to stop. I will continue to say the same things over and over again until I do. I have been so fucking blessed that everyone I know who has gone overseas has come home to me. So maybe I’m lucky? I’m Irish. That has to count for something. So I’m going to stop freaking out about it. I am going to stop fucking bawling my eyes out to that song and thinking about how fucking sad I am. I am going to say a prayer for everyone that does have someone they love far from home and tomorrow, everything will be…well…it’ll be what it’s meant to be. For now, that has to be enough.

Can we just go back in time to one of those random nights in college where we just sat around and bullshitted and drank? Or when I dyed his hair. Hahaha, remember when he had hair? Oh Space Cowboy, I love you. I love you in a way few people are lucky enough to have. DON’T FUCK IT UP. Come home, ok?