Bear vs Shark

29 07 2010

I don’t want to write a post about how awful this week has been, or how stressed out I am, or how much I really fucking hate 99% of the world’s population. So that leaves me…shit. Nothing.

Next weekend Space Cowboy comes back from Marine Summer Camp for a week before shipping out. I am excited, nervous, terrified and sad. It’s very tiring. Emotions are soo passe. However, I’m full of ’em this week. Here’s the thing though…

I haven’t talked to Space Cowboy since he left for camp. In April. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s his girlfriend, if he’s mad at me, or if it’s just he hasn’t had anything to say. It’s very difficult to go from talking to someone at least once a week to not at all. I guess it’s been good training for when he’s gone…but fuck. I miss him like crazy. I tried explaining all my anxiety to the Scotsman and he just didn’t get it. In fact, he got “weirded out” over it.

Ok, Mr. I-don’t-ever-get-jealous…I am sick of this game. Space Cowboy is one of my BFFs. Always has been, always will be. He understands me better than I do sometimes. He always makes me laugh and he always listens. I love him with all of my heart. But it’s never been like that and it never will be. He’s like my brother. He’s the one I tell my secrets to. The one I trust to always have my back. But it’s never, ever gone beyond that. Trust me, there was a point in my life where I wished for it. I wished that I could transcend that because he is one of the good ones. He is the best one, of the best ones. But he speaks to a different part of my soul. He fulfills an empty spot I didn’t know I had until he wasn’t there to fill it. Every girl needs a boy BFF. It keeps her sane. I am unravelling quickly without mine.

Space Cowboy, I miss you so very much and I love you even more. Call me when you get home. And you…Halpert. You need to call me, too. Quit stalking me, bro. Pick up the phone.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled shit-losing.


27 07 2010

I can’t sleep.

This is nothing new, of course. But I am shocked the exhaustion hasn’t kicked in. For the past two mornings I’ve gotten up at 5:30am. Me. Five. Thirty. A. M. I am not in any way, shape, or form a morning person. I’ve never been one to sleep at night. My body just doesn’t shut down until midnight or later…hence all the late night ramblings I used to do…

Ever since I started sleeping next to the Scotsman most nights, I sleep much better. And longer. He often teases me about how much I sleep. Look, I’m just trying to make up for a lifetime without it. And the past few nights I haven’t stayed with him due to this weeks insane work schedule. (7-6)

I haven’t gone to bed before midnight or 1:00am the past few nights. I haven’t been sleeping the night through either. Today I had a terrible day. I had to go to the dentist and was there nearly two hours. I HATE the dentist. I hate the dentist so much I’d rather go to the gyno. Seriously. Having a stranger peep at my lady bits is way less upsetting to me than someone sticking their fingers in my mouth. I know. Issues. Blah blah blah. I had a horrible experience with my wisdom teeth and since then the dentist is one of my least fave peeps.

So I’m on edge, I’m exhausted and I get a nastygram from my freelance client. Well, impulse beat instinct to the punch and I let my fingers work faster than my brain. Oops. I thought about asking Kitty to read it before I sent it to see if I needed to tone the bitch down, but she’s meaner than I am so that would have been useless. In the end, it all got worked out, but fuck. I need more hours in my day. Preferably ones I can use to sleep.

So anyway, all of this not sleeping and messes at work and messes in my personal life have given me insomnesia. I don’t sleep enough to make my brain function properly. I forgot how to sign my name today. I had to sign an approval today and Kitty looked at me and said “Do you even know what you’re doing?”

No. Not these days.

I do know this though…even though he’s only 20 minutes away and I saw him Monday night, I am aching for the boy. I miss his presence. This is excellent! I was starting to get really sick of the sight of him…blame shark week mostly…yeah…that too…but now that he’s not at my side, I’m miserable. Just a few more days and then it’ll be Friday. I am off, I have an appointment to get mah hurr did, lunch with MFEO…all will be well. I just need to start caffeinating myself better.

How’s your week? Any get to sleep techniques you’d like to share? Please? Seriously. PLEASE!

There are only two places on earth one can be, New Orleans, or somewhere ridiculous.

26 07 2010

Well I’m starting this at work, but lord only knows when I’ll finish it.

I am having an AWFUL day today. The printer screwed up a color on something I had printed and it’s causing mass chaos right now. I am totally over this. I need to listen to that tarot card reader and find myself some new employment.

Oh yeah, I had my cards read. When I was in New Orleans. Two freaking weeks ago. I’m sorry. I know that I owe you. So, here goes.

The Scotsman and I left, alone, around midnight to head down there. Five Hour Energy shots should be called Useless Excuse to Consume Caffeine. I was OUT for a good 70% of that drive. I tried, I really did. Years of being shuttled back and forth to Michigan as a kid made me a car sleeper. I can’t help it. On the plus side, if I’m asleep I can’t whine about being bored or having to pee. Win!

A&J didn’t come with us due to a last minute family emergency. They were both very much missed the whole time, but there will be many more visits. I am sure of this.

We got to the city, showered and picked up Three Man from the airport sans ball weed. Don’t ask. We immediately headed to Port of Call where I was WASTED within an hour. Oh Monsoons. Lovely, lovely Monsoons. A nap followed that and then we grabbed Mexican and I think we went out. I wrote about the first two days¬†here and here.

I can’t remember the order we did everything in anymore. My brain is all mushy and full of left over brain damage from all the drinking, work fuckery and worry. So I’ll just recap.

Ate ate a LOT of truly delicious places including Port of Call, The Joint, Pho Tau Bay, Yo Mama’s, Juan’s Flying Burrito, Adolfo’s and Elizabeth’s.

Ok, time out. All of the above? Yeah…I wrote that shit on…Thursday? Shit is all blurred together. Last week went straight to hell and I drove the bus. So here’s what’s up. New Orleans was awesome. No shit. The boyfriend loved it and I loved being there with him. I miss it and I miss that crazy girl that lives there. I had two run ins with gay boys in the city. I mentioned the one who told me I was going to meet Tina Fey and be on tv. No luck on that front yet. The other just sort of observed me all night and then demanded all my attention because I was fabulous and he wanted to get to know me and be friends. I love the gays and they love me. What can I say?

We stayed out all night one night, we took the boy down to the shit show end of Bourbon. We drank and ate and made a whole lot of fucking merry. It was idyllic. It is the life I want. It is the life I need. I love that everyone….EVERYONE…says hello. Everyone wants to have a good time and relax and enjoy life.

We’ve been watching Treme and in one of the episodes there is some quote that says something to the effect of New Orleans being a hot mess and a corrupt nightmare, but living there is better than owning all of Ohio. A-fucking-men.

Look, I love my life here in it’s own little midwestern way. I love my family and friends and my routines and my places of interest…and it’s “home”. But I never feel like myself here. I always feel awkward in my own skin. I find myself embarrassed sometimes to go out in public with my tattoos showing and my stretched ears because people look at me weird. I can feel them judging me. I go out of my way to be sweeter than honey and little miss manners. But they’re afraid of my differences. Down there? People don’t even look twice. I fit. I feel comfortable. I can breathe.

Someday NOLA and I will be together. It may not be for a few more years…lord knows I’m needed here right now, but she’ll wait for me. I know she will.

Sleep well

15 07 2010

Ack! Ya’ll I was going to try and write about the trip today, but then I discovered the Suburban Home Records Mix Tape Voume 5 was available for download and…well…you know me. I can’t say enough good things about Suburban Home and Virgil. I left a comment on the instructions for how to get Volume 4…I never received mine…and he IMMEDIATELY emailed me. This is why they continue to get my money, love and support. Amazing.

Anyway, I’m sure Virgil will be happy to know that I have changed my opinion of Micha Schnabel. Somewhat. I can see what he was talking about in the song Postcards and Apologies. Two Cow Garage – Postcards and Apologies It’s incredible. The I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House cover is a tiny bit better in my opinion, but I’m biased. I freaking love that band. I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House – Postcards and Apologies (Two Cow Garage)

The song that nearly killed me today though…my old friend, Austin Lucas. I remember the first time I saw him, it was Fall 2008 in Louisville. I watched him walk through the crowd and thought “Who the fuck is the punk rock kid?” and then he got up on stage. And then he opened his mouth. The most beautiful voice I have heard on a man since my beloved Jeff Buckley came out. I was in shock. I was in love. If ever there was a song that defined why I love an artist, this is it. Austin Lucas – Sleep Well (Demo) If that’s the demo…although I have to admit, I like Austin in demo form best. Raw, un-produced. I have a demo version of Go West and it is far superior to the studio cut. I’m a purist, what can I say?

I think it has to be some sort of inside joke at this point, but Jr. Juggernaut’s Another Two Weeks makes an appearance yet again. I have no complaints, I catch myself humming this song all the time, probably because it’s on damn near every Suburban Home Mix EVER PRODUCED. I’m not complaining, just making a point. Jr. Juggernaut – Another Two Weeks

The song I am most excited about that I haven’t listened to yet…yes I am writing this AS I listen to the mix…I’m on a ¬†tight schedule ya’ll…I have Tom Petty and Drive-by Truckers tonight! Anyway, as I was saying, song I can’t wait to get to? Lucky Old Sun – Back In Style I mean, any band that includes Ben Nichols in their line up has to be great, right? That’s what I thought.

Going back to I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House for a moment, Micahel Dean Damron’s cover of Townes Van Zandt’s Waiting to Die gave me chills. Michael Dean Damron – Waiting Around To Die (Townes Van Zandt)

The last one I’m going to talk about (right now) is Trampled By Turtles – Wait So Long I love this. Simple as that. It’s perfect. Oh and I lied. As I was writing that I came up on Jeff Rowe – Kate and it made me think of my baby sister.

This may be the best mix they’ve put together yet, and that is really saying something. They’ve all been fantastic, although I can’t speak for Volume 4 yet, but it’s based around Austin Lucas…so it has to be great, right? Exactly. Enjoy the music, friends! I will share stories of Southern Debauchery soon. Seriously. Go distract yourself with these beautiful songs in the meantime.

The mean reds

14 07 2010

I should never have promised a recap today.

I am kind of a mess today. The Scotsman and I sort of had it out last night. We’ve bickered before, but this was a real argument. He made me MADDER THAN FISH GREASE! (10 points if you know the origin of that gem) I apparently pissed him off real good too. You know what? It happens. Things like this are what real people do. We were both wrong. The end. But it’s still hard. I tried to talk to him and explain WHY. WHY I was mad, WHY I did what I did, WHY. It’s like we both speak Greek or something. He was not getting anything I was saying and eventually I wore myself out and just let it go. Like I let everything go. It’s just not worth it. If he wants to be a stubborn asshole, then fine. I’m clearly not going to get through to him so I give up. I love him and that includes the parts that make me want to punch him right in the face. I just wish he listened to what I was saying sometimes.

Anyway, yeah…I’m fucking exhausted still and I miss Nola and NOLA and I have a ton of freelance tonight, his mom had another surgery today, I am still broke and I still hate my job. It’s a mean reds kind of day up in here.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat, and maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

It’ll be fine after a good night’s sleep and Tom Petty and DBT tomorrow night. But…unless I perk up tonight, you’re not hearing my NOLA stories. There are many to share, but I’m just too red to go there right now. Sorry ya’ll. Love you.

Reality bites.

13 07 2010

I know, ya’ll, I KNOW.

I’m not dead. I am exhausted. I have a million wonderful stories to tell you. People, places, things…but I have to sort through it all still. And deal with being back in Ohio and back to work and the reality of all of that. So…soon. I promise. Big things. Funny things. Stories of things delicious and drunken shennanigans. Just…come back tomorrow, ok?

Jackson Square

7 07 2010


St Louis Cathedral and blue skies. Serenity.


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