Go put your records on

23 04 2012

Manfred suggested we listen to some of what we picked up at Record Store Day tonight. I started with Uncle Tupelo – March 16-20, 1992. It’s probably my favorite of theirs. Wait Up is Manfred’s ringtone when he calls me. Next, we listened to the demos of Lucero – That Much Further West. Now playing is Drag The River – 2010 Demons. It’s like he just knows what I need. He also had dinner waiting for me when I got home. AND he’s building me the Lego Star Wars ewok set right now. Seriously. The luckiest. I hope this bliss phase lasts awhile. I’m really into this.

Everybody hurts…sometimes.

22 04 2012

So here’s the long and short of it.

Life is very good. It is also very, very bad. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be, but lately the bad has been more than I can handle.

On March 1st this year, my grandmother died. It was sort of sudden and unexpected and I still feel so very lost without her. It’s been surreal. I forget all of the time that she’s gone. I’ll think about stopping by on my way to my mom’s and then it hits me. I can’t just drop in. I can’t just pick up the phone. It hurts so bad. I miss her every day. She was so much more than my grandmother. She was one of my best friends. She was my rock. I love my mom, but she’s difficult. My grandmother understood that and would listen to me and help guide me to the right decisions. I don’t know what life without her is going to be like in the long run, but for now it’s been miserable. My anxiety has gotten so bad I let the doctor write me a prescription for xanax. I always thought I was better than that. Not that I’m judging anyone else, I guess I just thought I was stronger.

My health has been fucking with me too. My thyroid is fucked up, I’m deficient in vitamins D and B12, and there is STILL something wrong with my gallbladder/liver/pancreas that they can’t figure out. I’ve paid $1600 for two test that have essentially told me nothing. I’m sick of it. I’m going to consult a GI and if she can’t figure it out, fuck it man. I’m not ever going to give up cheese. If it kills me, at least I can say I’ve eaten my fair share of bellavitano.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering how things are with Manfred. Well. We’re two stubborn ass adults trying to live together. There are good days and bad. I’ll accept a lot of the blame for the recent bad spell we had. I’ve just been an asshole. I’m sad and mopey and everything is OMGSOOVERWHELMING. I am trying to work through it, and be more patient not only with him, but with myself. Besides the brief spell of discord, things have been very good. He came with me to Maui in February and it was so perfect. It was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. And it helped me deal with all the shit that happened after we got home much better.

Cohabitation is hard. I have a lot of my father in me, unfortunately, and that means I am surprisingly OCD. If he doesn’t put something back in the right place, expect war. The laundry situation has gotten so out of hand, I have started to do his for him. I can’t deal with mess. Especially now. I need order. I can’t control how crazy work is, or the fact that my grandmother is gone, but I’ll be damned if my bathroom isn’t sparkling. We’re working through a lot of issues with the house. I know it’s hard for him, but the fact of the matter is, this is our home. It’s not just shelter. It’s our sanctuary. So when it’s stressing us out, that puts a serious damper on our happiness.

But honestly, I am happy. As happy as one can be while going through turmoil. I’m kicking ass at work and I actually do love my job. For real. He infuriates me, but I love Manfred so much it hurts sometimes. He just gets it. He gets ME. And it frustrates him sometimes, but he’s so patient. And for that, I love him so much more. We make a good team. He’s got my back. And he’s not afraid to stand up for me. Now THAT is a refreshing change. He also happens to be super snuggly and smells delicious. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re good for each other. He’s definitely good for me. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Knowing we are there for each other and we have someone to come home to…that’s the second best part of my day. Second only to taking my goddamn bra off.

So anyway, that should catch you up on what’s been going on in 2012. Hopefully there will be some great adventures coming soon…


Still standing

18 04 2012

Life has been…interesting this year. Some very good and wonderful things have happened, and some terrible, life changing things have happened.

Now that I share a home with Manfred, it’s been really hard to write here. I crave solitude when I write. I need to be alone with my thoughts. They’ve been taking over lately and I’ve been pretty unbearable. I need this space. So I’ll figure it out. I need A space. My own little corner. Cohabitation is HARD, y’all. I love falling asleep next to him every night, but I’m not always thrilled to trip over his boxers in the hallway. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. I am learning a lot about patience. Something I need quite a bit more of.

So when I can sort through everything in my brain, I’ll tell you about all the wonderful things, and when I’m ready, I’ll conquer the big ugly things, too. Bottom line, I’m working on it. I’m really working on trying to make my life better and make me better. It’s been hard, but it’s really starting to pay off. I’m happy. Mostly. The reasons I’m not have nothing to do with anyone but me. And I’m working on those, too. I’m just thankful that I have such an awesome cast of supporting characters in this crazy performance.


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