Oh bother

5 05 2013

The manfriend had to be at work early this morning to do some important testing stuff on some systems. We got up, grabbed breakfast, and then I came home to deal with the pack of wild dogs we live with, and he went to work.

I had some stuff to do on the internet, and I got sucked into a facebook hate spiral. Now, I almost never use my laptop anymore. Why would I? I have an iphone. But here I am, with this thing open and I am strolling down memory lane via my timeline. All of the sudden, I see a name I haven’t seen in several years. My ex’s bff. So I click on him to see what he’s up to. I love people who don’t understand the privacy settings. I’m looking through pictures and all of the sudden…there he is. That lanky motherfucker I thought I was going to marry.

I felt nothing.

No punch in the gut. No longing. Not even curiosity, really. Just kind of a, huh…ok. And then I realized his brother had posted the picture, so off I went to internet stalk him. Not disappointed. However, totally annoyed he seems to be into kilts these days. My legit Scotsman looks way better in a kilt than he ever will. But, I digress.

I came across my ex-boyfriend’s name and realized I still had him blocked. So I unblocked him and perused the few pictures he had up. He apparently went to Taliban summer camp at some point because, holy beard. I love a good beard, but he needs to keep his trimmed. Besides that, he looked ok. There was an old picture up there that I am 99% sure I took. It’s like another lifetime. He looks pretty happy. And honestly, that’s great. I don’t wish him any ill will any longer. We were both very young, very stupid, and we both made a lot of dumb decisions. I accept the fact that I did a lot of stupid shit in that relationship.

He was my first true love. He was my first true heartbreak. No matter what, there will always be a tiny spot in my heart for him. No matter how fucking dumb his beard looks, or how much of an asshole he is. Your heart is retarded like that. I still care about his well being, and there are times where I miss him as my friend. Now, I am smart enough to know we will never be friends. I just don’t think we can do it. But I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me sad. He was my best friend for a long time. And I will always miss that part of us, but sometimes shit just isn’t meant to be. That’s ok.

I get really pissed off at Manfred sometimes because he doesn’t let me get away with anything. We fight sometimes. We disagree on some pretty important shit. But we are always honest with each other. We talk about shit. And we love each other. Fiercely. It’s different. It’s what I need.

So, while I can look back on the past with some sort of fondness, I also know that no matter what, that wasn’t the right place or person for me. I think I always knew that, but it took a long time for me to accept it. This shit isn’t easy. But, with 31 just around the corner, I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. If nothing else, I’m really happy. And isn’t that all that matters?





Well. That happened.

14 03 2013

I can’t even go into the details of today but I just have to get this off my chest.

My whole life I’ve known that I have an older brother and sister out there somewhere. My dad was married with two kids when he met my mother. Let’s not go there. Anyway, I knew they existed and I was always curious, but I had no way to get in touch with them.

Today my sister sent me a message on ancestry.com.

My dad’s sister passed away recently, so I figured I’d better try and figure out who my family was. He’s never going to tell me. Anyway, she noticed we had the same paternal grandparents and reached out to me.

SHE HAD NO IDEA I EXISTED.

All those years of wondering, and being afraid of being rejected, and there she was, unaware I even existed. And it’s creepy how alike we seem to be so far. She and I both even recently dyed our hair teal. And we have the same hobbies and I am totally freaking out. We look a lot alike. That’s weird too.

I don’t know. I’ve only told my youngest sister. The middle one and I have fought about searching out our long lost siblings for years. I tried to call her, she didn’t answer. I’m out of energy and I have to take Sugar the Wondertard Dog to the vet EARLY.

I am elated. I am nervous. I am just…I don’t know. Mind definitely blown. More updates to come…





When did wordpress turn into tumblr?

20 11 2012

I think I’ve been gone too long. This is all weird and new and I don’t like it. I DON’T LIKE IT.

Anyway. An update.

I’m fine. We’re fine. I was very annoyed because Manfred was being very annoying. We’re adults, we get over shit. Or, more accurately, we just ignore it and pretend it never happened. It’s shockingly effective. Things have been very calm and settled since then, and I know he loves me. He’s even trying to learn some Sufjan Stevens songs on the banjo. Suck up.

I’ve decided to just let things ride out until February. It’s going to be a rough month for me regardless of what happens with him, as it’s my grandmother’s birthday (on our godamn anniversary) and I will be in Puerto Rico. Alone. Mostly. Savannah will be there, and for that I say a silent prayer of thanks. It’s also going to creep up on the one year anniversary of losing her. I’m a mess most days about that still. I don’t know that a day, or even an hour goes by that I don’t think about her. I miss her so much. And I would give anything to talk to her about all of this. And I do. Because I’m a creep. And because I know she’s still listening and guiding me in her own way.

Or maybe she’s not. I flip out about that every other month, too. Have I mentioned I’m thinking about therapy? Yeah. I think I need that.

I wouldn’t go get my cards read in NOLA last month because I was too scared she would be there…and more scared she wouldn’t. WELCOME TO MY ISSUES. Blogging is like free therapy, right?

Anyway, when I get home from PR, I’m going to be an emotional mess and probably not in the right state of mind to be making BIG. LIFE. DECISIONS. So, for me, and me alone, I’m extending my personal deadline until April. If I can make it through March alive, I’ll consider that a big enough accomplishment.

I also feel weird about putting a deadline/ultimatum on my relationship. But I have to for my sanity. I don’t want to be wondering where we stand, and if I’m going to get to be a mom, at 34. Being pregnant is terrifying enough, I don’t need to add in extra risks.

This is all over the place.

In other news, I’m headed to Thanksgiving at my sister’s this year. I’m super excited to spend some time with her and my nephew cats. Should be excellent. Mom is coming too, so I know the turkey will be delicious. I hope y’all have a great holiday, too.





Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

8 11 2012

This day started off as a gigantic pile of shit. I had it out with Manfred before I left the house and I am pretty sure I cried all my mascara off. NOT THE LOOK.

Loving that man is hard work. It really is. And not in a bad way, but he fights me every step of the way. It’s like he doesn’t feel like he deserves it. I get that. I’ve been there. But he does. Usually. This morning, as I was leaving, he apologized for being a jerk the previous evening.

Background. He was being a jerk. We have some very different political beliefs. THAT’S OK!!! I seriously could not give two fucks who you want to vote for as long as you vote. We know what we agree and disagree on, and there are no oh no-no’s on that list. IT’S FINE. However, he’s been pouty since the election. I got home late, and we made dinner together and he was just being a dick. Whatever, I’m too tired to deal with this. I mention we need to look at our benefits, as my re-enrollment period is up on Friday. He’s currently on my plan. He mentions he may not want to be because he wants “freedom” and that tethers him to my job and the relationship.

Uhh…what?

I let it go. I’m tired. I go to bed. But I am thinking. A lot.

We’ve known each other for half of our lives. We’ve been together nearly three years. We live together. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YET???

So when he apologizes this morning, I tell him he hurt my feelings and I am concerned about his lack of faith in us. That opens the floodgates and we kind of went at it. Maybe he can’t see me as the mother of his kids blah blah blah. Maybe I don’t want to have his babies blah blah blah. Maybe his friend should bring the truck over and pick up my shit. Maybe he should. MAYBE I DON’T GIVE TWO FUCKS. MAYBE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR IN ALL OF YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS IS YOU.

Hmm. Maybe it is. Maybe I am being a jerk now, too. So he apologizes again, a hug and a kiss, and now my ass is late to work.

Here’s the thing. I love this man. Unconditionally. I don’t know if he feels the same. I feel like with him, there are conditions. And I don’t know what the fuck they are. I know the things he struggles with and worries about. I have stood by him through thick and thin. But I will not be disrespected and I will not have my time wasted. I’ve done that. I’m over that. I’m not afraid to start over. I’m not afraid to be alone. I think he is. So if he wants to lock this down, he’d better pull his head out of his ass real quick. I’m done playing house. I’m done waiting. Get your shit together, son.





I think it’s time to brush the dust off this thing

4 09 2012

Get ready, y’all. 





Go put your records on

23 04 2012

Manfred suggested we listen to some of what we picked up at Record Store Day tonight. I started with Uncle Tupelo – March 16-20, 1992. It’s probably my favorite of theirs. Wait Up is Manfred’s ringtone when he calls me. Next, we listened to the demos of Lucero – That Much Further West. Now playing is Drag The River – 2010 Demons. It’s like he just knows what I need. He also had dinner waiting for me when I got home. AND he’s building me the Lego Star Wars ewok set right now. Seriously. The luckiest. I hope this bliss phase lasts awhile. I’m really into this.





Everybody hurts…sometimes.

22 04 2012

So here’s the long and short of it.

Life is very good. It is also very, very bad. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be, but lately the bad has been more than I can handle.

On March 1st this year, my grandmother died. It was sort of sudden and unexpected and I still feel so very lost without her. It’s been surreal. I forget all of the time that she’s gone. I’ll think about stopping by on my way to my mom’s and then it hits me. I can’t just drop in. I can’t just pick up the phone. It hurts so bad. I miss her every day. She was so much more than my grandmother. She was one of my best friends. She was my rock. I love my mom, but she’s difficult. My grandmother understood that and would listen to me and help guide me to the right decisions. I don’t know what life without her is going to be like in the long run, but for now it’s been miserable. My anxiety has gotten so bad I let the doctor write me a prescription for xanax. I always thought I was better than that. Not that I’m judging anyone else, I guess I just thought I was stronger.

My health has been fucking with me too. My thyroid is fucked up, I’m deficient in vitamins D and B12, and there is STILL something wrong with my gallbladder/liver/pancreas that they can’t figure out. I’ve paid $1600 for two test that have essentially told me nothing. I’m sick of it. I’m going to consult a GI and if she can’t figure it out, fuck it man. I’m not ever going to give up cheese. If it kills me, at least I can say I’ve eaten my fair share of bellavitano.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering how things are with Manfred. Well. We’re two stubborn ass adults trying to live together. There are good days and bad. I’ll accept a lot of the blame for the recent bad spell we had. I’ve just been an asshole. I’m sad and mopey and everything is OMGSOOVERWHELMING. I am trying to work through it, and be more patient not only with him, but with myself. Besides the brief spell of discord, things have been very good. He came with me to Maui in February and it was so perfect. It was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. And it helped me deal with all the shit that happened after we got home much better.

Cohabitation is hard. I have a lot of my father in me, unfortunately, and that means I am surprisingly OCD. If he doesn’t put something back in the right place, expect war. The laundry situation has gotten so out of hand, I have started to do his for him. I can’t deal with mess. Especially now. I need order. I can’t control how crazy work is, or the fact that my grandmother is gone, but I’ll be damned if my bathroom isn’t sparkling. We’re working through a lot of issues with the house. I know it’s hard for him, but the fact of the matter is, this is our home. It’s not just shelter. It’s our sanctuary. So when it’s stressing us out, that puts a serious damper on our happiness.

But honestly, I am happy. As happy as one can be while going through turmoil. I’m kicking ass at work and I actually do love my job. For real. He infuriates me, but I love Manfred so much it hurts sometimes. He just gets it. He gets ME. And it frustrates him sometimes, but he’s so patient. And for that, I love him so much more. We make a good team. He’s got my back. And he’s not afraid to stand up for me. Now THAT is a refreshing change. He also happens to be super snuggly and smells delicious. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re good for each other. He’s definitely good for me. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Knowing we are there for each other and we have someone to come home to…that’s the second best part of my day. Second only to taking my goddamn bra off.

So anyway, that should catch you up on what’s been going on in 2012. Hopefully there will be some great adventures coming soon…

 





Still standing

18 04 2012

Life has been…interesting this year. Some very good and wonderful things have happened, and some terrible, life changing things have happened.

Now that I share a home with Manfred, it’s been really hard to write here. I crave solitude when I write. I need to be alone with my thoughts. They’ve been taking over lately and I’ve been pretty unbearable. I need this space. So I’ll figure it out. I need A space. My own little corner. Cohabitation is HARD, y’all. I love falling asleep next to him every night, but I’m not always thrilled to trip over his boxers in the hallway. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. I am learning a lot about patience. Something I need quite a bit more of.

So when I can sort through everything in my brain, I’ll tell you about all the wonderful things, and when I’m ready, I’ll conquer the big ugly things, too. Bottom line, I’m working on it. I’m really working on trying to make my life better and make me better. It’s been hard, but it’s really starting to pay off. I’m happy. Mostly. The reasons I’m not have nothing to do with anyone but me. And I’m working on those, too. I’m just thankful that I have such an awesome cast of supporting characters in this crazy performance.





Paradise

3 02 2012

20120203-184102.jpg

I put my traveling shoes on eeeeearly Thursday morning, and it’s now 6:41 pm on Friday. In Maui. It took us a whole day to get here, but as soon as I saw that…I knew it was worth it.





And then it was 2012

6 01 2012

So apparently I took a hiatus. Sorry. Facebook makes me the LAZIEST person ever. I assume most of you know what I’ve been up to, but if not, I am stealing this from my dearest Saumurai Strong, to fill you in.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I moved in with a boy. Like…legitimately. It’s the biggest step I’ve taken in a relationship and it’s mildly terrifying, but mostly awesome.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t know. At the beginning of 2011 my world was total chaos. I don’t remember what I said I wanted to do last year besides stay out of hospitals. That one was broken before we were a week in, so… As for 2012, I want to focus on me and my health. I found a new doctor and I’m making the time to take care of me. I also want my inspiration back. I want to write more. Create more. I want to stop being a lazy friend and actually SEE people I love outside of facebook.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Martha gave birth to a beautiful boy! One of my reps also had an adorable baby girl. BABIES.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
After 2010 and it’s awfulness, I wish I could say no. I truly do. But I lost a very dear friend last year who I still miss so, so much. I am also convinced he is my guardian angel and I am so thankful he is still looking out for me.

5. What countries did you visit?
Miami, FL.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Less stress. More dollars.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, nothing really stands out as a date, but Opening Day was an amazing experience. Hydroplaning into a ditch was not.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Getting promoted at work? I was lazy last year. It was a rebuilding year.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t feel like I failed at anything late year, really. I just didn’t knock anything out of the park, either.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
HA! Broke a toe, busted my knee, got diagnosed with thyroid deficiency, vitamin deficiencies and some weird, unknown ear issue. Not my best year. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Clairisonic Mia. LOVE IT. 

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Clothes.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Growing in my relationship with Manfred. Space Cowboy coming home. Traveling a lot. Special projects at work.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
It was the year of Glossary. Your Heart To Haunt was a favorite, as was the entire new album.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier. So, so much happier. Fatter? I’ve had three people tell me I look like I’ve lost weight within the past three days, but the scale says otherwise. Richer. I have been learning a lot from my thrifty boyfran. 

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cook. Create. Write.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?
All over. His sister’s. My dad’s. My mom’s. My gran’s.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks and Recreation

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a few books, but none of them were amazing. Bossypants was probably the fave.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Glossary. 

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
The Muppets.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Bwahaha. I was 29 and I sat in my mom’s basement, with no power, as the tornado sirens wailed, and then went and sat in my car so I could listen to the Reds lose to the Phillies.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More job satisfaction. More money. The Reds (or Tigers) winning the series. 

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Jeans. V-neck t-shirt. Ballet flats. Cardigan. Fancy makeup. Non-fancy hair.

26. What kept you sane?
Manfred. MFEO. Seesters. Savannah. Escaping town.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Patience truly is a virtue.








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