The manfriend had to be at work early this morning to do some important testing stuff on some systems. We got up, grabbed breakfast, and then I came home to deal with the pack of wild dogs we live with, and he went to work.
I had some stuff to do on the internet, and I got sucked into a facebook hate spiral. Now, I almost never use my laptop anymore. Why would I? I have an iphone. But here I am, with this thing open and I am strolling down memory lane via my timeline. All of the sudden, I see a name I haven’t seen in several years. My ex’s bff. So I click on him to see what he’s up to. I love people who don’t understand the privacy settings. I’m looking through pictures and all of the sudden…there he is. That lanky motherfucker I thought I was going to marry.
I felt nothing.
No punch in the gut. No longing. Not even curiosity, really. Just kind of a, huh…ok. And then I realized his brother had posted the picture, so off I went to internet stalk him. Not disappointed. However, totally annoyed he seems to be into kilts these days. My legit Scotsman looks way better in a kilt than he ever will. But, I digress.
I came across my ex-boyfriend’s name and realized I still had him blocked. So I unblocked him and perused the few pictures he had up. He apparently went to Taliban summer camp at some point because, holy beard. I love a good beard, but he needs to keep his trimmed. Besides that, he looked ok. There was an old picture up there that I am 99% sure I took. It’s like another lifetime. He looks pretty happy. And honestly, that’s great. I don’t wish him any ill will any longer. We were both very young, very stupid, and we both made a lot of dumb decisions. I accept the fact that I did a lot of stupid shit in that relationship.
He was my first true love. He was my first true heartbreak. No matter what, there will always be a tiny spot in my heart for him. No matter how fucking dumb his beard looks, or how much of an asshole he is. Your heart is retarded like that. I still care about his well being, and there are times where I miss him as my friend. Now, I am smart enough to know we will never be friends. I just don’t think we can do it. But I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me sad. He was my best friend for a long time. And I will always miss that part of us, but sometimes shit just isn’t meant to be. That’s ok.
I get really pissed off at Manfred sometimes because he doesn’t let me get away with anything. We fight sometimes. We disagree on some pretty important shit. But we are always honest with each other. We talk about shit. And we love each other. Fiercely. It’s different. It’s what I need.
So, while I can look back on the past with some sort of fondness, I also know that no matter what, that wasn’t the right place or person for me. I think I always knew that, but it took a long time for me to accept it. This shit isn’t easy. But, with 31 just around the corner, I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. If nothing else, I’m really happy. And isn’t that all that matters?