Life is very good. It is also very, very bad. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be, but lately the bad has been more than I can handle.

On March 1st this year, my grandmother died. It was sort of sudden and unexpected and I still feel so very lost without her. It’s been surreal. I forget all of the time that she’s gone. I’ll think about stopping by on my way to my mom’s and then it hits me. I can’t just drop in. I can’t just pick up the phone. It hurts so bad. I miss her every day. She was so much more than my grandmother. She was one of my best friends. She was my rock. I love my mom, but she’s difficult. My grandmother understood that and would listen to me and help guide me to the right decisions. I don’t know what life without her is going to be like in the long run, but for now it’s been miserable. My anxiety has gotten so bad I let the doctor write me a prescription for xanax. I always thought I was better than that. Not that I’m judging anyone else, I guess I just thought I was stronger.

My health has been fucking with me too. My thyroid is fucked up, I’m deficient in vitamins D and B12, and there is STILL something wrong with my gallbladder/liver/pancreas that they can’t figure out. I’ve paid $1600 for two test that have essentially told me nothing. I’m sick of it. I’m going to consult a GI and if she can’t figure it out, fuck it man. I’m not ever going to give up cheese. If it kills me, at least I can say I’ve eaten my fair share of bellavitano.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering how things are with Manfred. Well. We’re two stubborn ass adults trying to live together. There are good days and bad. I’ll accept a lot of the blame for the recent bad spell we had. I’ve just been an asshole. I’m sad and mopey and everything is OMGSOOVERWHELMING. I am trying to work through it, and be more patient not only with him, but with myself. Besides the brief spell of discord, things have been very good. He came with me to Maui in February and it was so perfect. It was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. And it helped me deal with all the shit that happened after we got home much better.

Cohabitation is hard. I have a lot of my father in me, unfortunately, and that means I am surprisingly OCD. If he doesn’t put something back in the right place, expect war. The laundry situation has gotten so out of hand, I have started to do his for him. I can’t deal with mess. Especially now. I need order. I can’t control how crazy work is, or the fact that my grandmother is gone, but I’ll be damned if my bathroom isn’t sparkling. We’re working through a lot of issues with the house. I know it’s hard for him, but the fact of the matter is, this is our home. It’s not just shelter. It’s our sanctuary. So when it’s stressing us out, that puts a serious damper on our happiness.

But honestly, I am happy. As happy as one can be while going through turmoil. I’m kicking ass at work and I actually do love my job. For real. He infuriates me, but I love Manfred so much it hurts sometimes. He just gets it. He gets ME. And it frustrates him sometimes, but he’s so patient. And for that, I love him so much more. We make a good team. He’s got my back. And he’s not afraid to stand up for me. Now THAT is a refreshing change. He also happens to be super snuggly and smells delicious. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re good for each other. He’s definitely good for me. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Knowing we are there for each other and we have someone to come home to…that’s the second best part of my day. Second only to taking my goddamn bra off.

So anyway, that should catch you up on what’s been going on in 2012. Hopefully there will be some great adventures coming soon…

Now that I share a home with Manfred, it’s been really hard to write here. I crave solitude when I write. I need to be alone with my thoughts. They’ve been taking over lately and I’ve been pretty unbearable. I need this space. So I’ll figure it out. I need A space. My own little corner. Cohabitation is HARD, y’all. I love falling asleep next to him every night, but I’m not always thrilled to trip over his boxers in the hallway. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. I am learning a lot about patience. Something I need quite a bit more of.

So when I can sort through everything in my brain, I’ll tell you about all the wonderful things, and when I’m ready, I’ll conquer the big ugly things, too. Bottom line, I’m working on it. I’m really working on trying to make my life better and make me better. It’s been hard, but it’s really starting to pay off. I’m happy. Mostly. The reasons I’m not have nothing to do with anyone but me. And I’m working on those, too. I’m just thankful that I have such an awesome cast of supporting characters in this crazy performance.

I put my traveling shoes on eeeeearly Thursday morning, and it’s now 6:41 pm on Friday. In Maui. It took us a whole day to get here, but as soon as I saw that…I knew it was worth it.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I moved in with a boy. Like…legitimately. It’s the biggest step I’ve taken in a relationship and it’s mildly terrifying, but mostly awesome.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t know. At the beginning of 2011 my world was total chaos. I don’t remember what I said I wanted to do last year besides stay out of hospitals. That one was broken before we were a week in, so… As for 2012, I want to focus on me and my health. I found a new doctor and I’m making the time to take care of me. I also want my inspiration back. I want to write more. Create more. I want to stop being a lazy friend and actually SEE people I love outside of facebook.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Martha gave birth to a beautiful boy! One of my reps also had an adorable baby girl. BABIES.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
After 2010 and it’s awfulness, I wish I could say no. I truly do. But I lost a very dear friend last year who I still miss so, so much. I am also convinced he is my guardian angel and I am so thankful he is still looking out for me.

5. What countries did you visit?
Miami, FL.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Less stress. More dollars.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, nothing really stands out as a date, but Opening Day was an amazing experience. Hydroplaning into a ditch was not.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Getting promoted at work? I was lazy last year. It was a rebuilding year.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t feel like I failed at anything late year, really. I just didn’t knock anything out of the park, either.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
HA! Broke a toe, busted my knee, got diagnosed with thyroid deficiency, vitamin deficiencies and some weird, unknown ear issue. Not my best year. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Clairisonic Mia. LOVE IT. 

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Clothes.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Growing in my relationship with Manfred. Space Cowboy coming home. Traveling a lot. Special projects at work.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
It was the year of Glossary. Your Heart To Haunt was a favorite, as was the entire new album.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier. So, so much happier. Fatter? I’ve had three people tell me I look like I’ve lost weight within the past three days, but the scale says otherwise. Richer. I have been learning a lot from my thrifty boyfran. 

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cook. Create. Write.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?
All over. His sister’s. My dad’s. My mom’s. My gran’s.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks and Recreation

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a few books, but none of them were amazing. Bossypants was probably the fave.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Glossary. 

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
The Muppets.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Bwahaha. I was 29 and I sat in my mom’s basement, with no power, as the tornado sirens wailed, and then went and sat in my car so I could listen to the Reds lose to the Phillies.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More job satisfaction. More money. The Reds (or Tigers) winning the series. 

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Jeans. V-neck t-shirt. Ballet flats. Cardigan. Fancy makeup. Non-fancy hair.

26. What kept you sane?
Manfred. MFEO. Seesters. Savannah. Escaping town.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Patience truly is a virtue.

I’ve had a cramazing summer. Crazy + amazing. I just made that shit up. BOOM. I’ve been to NYC, Miami, ATL, Michigan…and it’s not slowing down. I head back to NYC at the end of the month for a full week. I’m both excited and nervous. And I definitely need new shoes.

Work has been totally insane, but awesome. I can honestly say I love my job. I can’t always say I love the people, but I love what I do. I’ve had so many amazing opportunities given to me this year and I am being challenged and forced to really stretch and prove myself. It’s what I needed all along. I still complain, because that’s kind of my shtick, but don’t believe me. I am 29 years old and I have a career. It’s terrifying, and fulfilling all at once.

The boyfriend is good. No. Not good. Great. So great. We’re doing the cohabitation thing on a more official basis and some days it’s hard. It’s always hard to live with another person, no matter who they are, but I think we’re really doing well with it. My father is starting to come out in me and my OCD “everything in it’s place” personality is starting to shine. But, my depth of patience is so much deeper with him. I can’t stand to sleep alone anymore. I do miss my cat, though. Like whoa. But I’m thoroughly convinced someday he’ll get a handle on his allergies and I’ll be able to snuggle my kitten at night, too.

I’ve been a bad friend and a bad blogger this summer. It’s not for any other reason than I just haven’t had the time. I owe many people phone calls and visits. Soon. I promise.

We started remodeling our bathroom. This man truly loves me. He just let me loose in Home Depot, Lowes and Bed, Bath and Beyond with minimal sighs and only one argument regarding a shower curtain. We finally got the two layer of wallpaper, with paint in the middle of that fuckery sandwich, down and as soon as the walls dry out a bit, bless you wallpaper steamer, we will prime, sand and paint. If IKEA ever gets their shit together, we’ll get new “furniture” and hook up a new light and have a beautiful new bathroom. I’m hoping by Christmas.

You only think I’m kidding.

I did Riverfest this year even though I said I wasn’t going to. I am so glad I did. It was the first year it rained during the fireworks. I stood there looking up into the sky, rain kissing my face, Manfred at my side, giant goofy grin on my face. It was amazing. Thanks to Wifey for the hookup on location this year. No crowds, food and booze. Perfection.

I have no new music recommendations for you. I haven’t listened to much music at all lately. It’s awful. I did buy the Muppet album and it’s fantastic. This morning with the cool, grey weather I felt like Wussy – Funeral Dress II was appropriate. I forgot that half that album makes me cry. DO NOT TELL MANFRED. He can’t know how much I like that album, then he’ll make me listen to more of his music.

Ok. So this was your update. Recap: Things are crazy busy and crazy awesome and someday I will get this thing up and running for reals. I have so many project ideas, that’s my other alphabet disorder shining through, but fuck me…I need more hours in a day.

HI!

When we left off, I was on the eve of my 29th birthday. It is now exactly one month later. How is it? Meh.

My actual birthday was terrible. It stormed and tornadoed and we lost power and I sat in my basement for most of the night in the dark. BUT, when it subsided a bit, I sat in my car so I could listen to the Reds game and Manfred came over with cold Dewey’s and Yuengling. All was not lost. I am far enough away from it now that I can kind of laugh it off, but the few days after I was PISSED. How DARE mother nature shit all over the day of my birth?! The last one in my 20s no less?! But, it is what it is. I still got to spend time with my fam and my man so that’s what’s really important, right?

Since then I have been doing the same old shit. I FINALLY hired a PT designer as my “assistant” and she’s great. Work is about to go balls to the wall, but I’m excited for all the new opportunities. And to have some back up.

I’ve spent more time at GABP than anywhere else this summer. Last night I saw my Reds beat the crap out of the Yankees and I promised my ovaries that this man would someday fertilize their contents. (Poetic, I know.)

Chris Heisey, you BAMF.

I have continued to ignore my responsibilities as a gardner, my flower bed/yard are a sight, but when it’s not raining it’s approximately 80 billion degrees, so…I know. I know.

I am going to Miami for work at the end of next month and I’m tacking a weekend on to see Savannah. I miss her like WHOA. So hopefully we get a good beach day in, but regardless, we’ll have an awesome time.

I heard some interesting gossip that I would LOVE to share here, but alas, I cannot. I can and will say one thing though…

I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO, DICKWEED.

It feels SO GOOD to be right. But I digress. There will be more on this topic in coming months, I feel.

What else? Whaaaaat else…

I am insanely happy for the first time in forever. I mean, I still have my morose moments, duh…but I feel great. Besides the early TMJ arthritis in my jaw. But that’s not worth going into other than to say 29 has not been kind to my body so far.

I will catch myself letting my mind wander to Manfred when I’m doing mindless things like driving or trying to fall asleep and I get giddy. I think about seeing him and my heart gets all jumpy and I can’t wait to wrap my arms around him. Of course, he makes me absolutely insane sometimes. (dishwasher, motherfucker…DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?!) but it’s all little things, and I just sort of sigh and move on. THIS IS MONUMENTAL FOR ME.

The other day, walking out of work, an image popped into my head of his hands. He has big, strong hands. I thought about what they would look like with a wedding ring on. I couldn’t get to him fast enough. I am in no hurry to slip a ring on my finger, but when the time comes, I can’t imagine it not being him. We balance each other out pretty well, even if we’re both too stubborn for our own good. He FINALLY met Ohio dad AND Space Cowboy. IN THE SAME WEEK. It was intense.

Oh yeah….I SAW MY COWBOY!!! It was only a few hours, but it was fucking amazing. I can’t wait for him to come back and visit again. I missed him so much and seeing him, after a fucking year…I can’t even describe it. I wanted to talk to him for weeks, but I have to save it. There will be more visits soon enough.

I am dragging today. I had to go get some coffee this morning. I was so wound up last night after our win that I couldn’t settle down and sleep until after midnight. I’m old, I can’t do that shit.

I hope you’re all doing awesome and all that shit. It goes without saying, but…love you, fools.