I’ve been trying to write this post for a few days now. #300. That’s a lot of pressure. What do I write about? Do I treat it like any other old blog? I have so much to say, but when the box pops up, my mind goes blank.
As I sit here tonight, sleepless, it hit me.
I have been avoiding you. All of you. I have been avoiding opening up and having real feelings about real things. I realized yesterday that I haven’t talked to Nola on the phone in weeks. I haven’t been emailing with Chi. I haven’t talked to anyone outside of Kitty and Savannah at work and Totoro and Manfred at home.
Why so reclusive?
Apparently my refusal to talk about real shit with the people I love and trust the most has spread to my blog. I guess because I know, for the most part, all of my closest friends read this. After what I wrote a few weeks ago I felt guilty and lord knows, I did NOT want to talk about it. I withdraw from everyone when I get worked up like that. Half the time I don’t even notice. God bless all of you who let me have that space to work through my doubts and insecurities.
Right now things are…ok. I have a lot going on at work and I had to cancel my trip to the mitten for Totoro’s birthday because I am broker than broke. How I am going to manage to afford back to back extended weekends in NOLA and ATL, I have no idea. But I will figure it out. I’ll pack ramen. 
I spent a lot of time alone this weekend, by choice…mostly, and it gave me time to think. I also may have watched How to Train Your Dragon three times, but that’s neither here nor there.
What I am trying to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I get all melodramatic and yelly and then disappear for days/weeks at a time. I just popped over to my livejournal tonight and shiiiiit. I haven’t written there since January. I went back and read through some things and it was all “Banky, Banky, Banky” and “Crush, Crush, Crush” and wow. In less than a year I have gone from dysfunctional half ass relationship with B to full on infatuation with the Crush to real grown up love with Manfred.
Why do you people let me out unsupervised??
I kid. It’s been a rough few years for me in the heart department and I am finally with someone who cares about my heart. And while he has his own battles to fight, when it comes to the clutch, he’s there. And I know I can count on him. So, wow. It’s been nine months since we crossed into more than friends territory. And what a crazy nine months its been. Ya’ll have been here with me through all of it. So be honest, I’m totally bipolar, right?
I feel like it somedays.
It’s a struggle, but there are moments when I feel like me again. Sure. Confident. I feel like I can trust my instincts and that I came out of the last battle stronger and with a better game plan. It was a bloody war and there were no winners of those battles. But these days, I feel like I am leading a winning campaign. Sure there are still some skirmishes here and there, but I feel like we’re figuring it out.
I’ll say this, life is never boring around here.
