I know I say it a lot, but I don’t usually mean it like this.

I am an asshole. Seriously.

I have done nothing but piss and moan about how people need to man up and come to me if they have a problem and not talk about it behind my back or hid behind anonymous screen names. Then I was set straight today by a friend I probably take for granted.

I was pissed off last night. I was hurt. I felt judged and attacked and frustrated. I thought I was doing the right thing by working through it on my blog. I never meant to be passive aggressive or call anyone out. But I did just that. I saw myself as venting about something that upset me. I use this blog as a tool to work through my (many) issues. I am surprisingly non-confrontational. I wasn’t mad at anyone, so I didn’t think I was directing my frustration at anyone. I’m slow.

I am lucky I have friends in spite of all the stupid shit I do. I am thankful that this one took me aside and called me on my bullshit. I needed a reality check. I should’ve taken the problem to her first, not here. For that I apologize. I wasn’t even mad at her, so I didn’t see what I did wrong or how much of a hypocrite I was being at first. We had a really good talk today. As I said before, I know it comes from a good place and I put myself in her shoes. I’ve been there before. I was being an idiot. I had no idea how hurt or angry I was until I re-read what I wrote. So, to my beloved girls…you know who you are, I sincerely apologize and promise not to suck anymore.

That being said….

My life is so predictable. The men in it are anyway. Banky texted me most of the afternoon. It started off as him telling me he bought his brother sunglasses but he was afraid they may be female. I confirmed. We argued about that for awhile. Then he told me The Dead Weather – Hang You From The Heavens was his new favorite song. So I went and listened to it.

I am trying this new thing, called DON’T FUCKING READ INTO EVERY LITTLE THING. But after the conversation we had yesterday and him being back to his old ways (I know, I know. I’m stopping it now.) it is hard not to. But I’m not. I’m really not.

While I am not that into them, blasphemy according to some, that guitar is sexy. The lyrics… His favorite? I like to grab you by the hair
and drag you to the devil. I need new men in my life. I told him my new favorite song was Jon Snodgrass’ cover of Wild One. Seriously. It does something to me. Born Apart is a close second. I am counting down the milliseconds until I get to see him live. I want to kiss him on the cheek.

So yeah, all afternoon is back and forth bickering with Banky. I get home, relax and am starting my routine of falling asleep on the couch while watching NCIS reruns with the dog. Phone rings. BNB. You. Have. Got. To. Be. KIDDING.

He found me a copy of Chasing Amy and picked it up for me. Awww, what am I supposed to say? Hey kitchen dick, thanks for getting back to me a month later, now that you’re single again. Dick. So he wants to tell me all about his break up with the scrap pile from The Creature Shop. I tell him about Banky and Toast. We laugh at each other and I realize I have shifted so drastically in my feelings towards him. He is like a big brother, not the dude I spent all of my adult life head over heels for. Progress, no?

Totoro had called, so I called her back and said BNB had called. “What, is he single again?” Damn. Predictable. They all are. I love them in my own way and they love me in theirs. If they didn’t mean anything, they wouldn’t be around. Plus, BNB is one helluva artist. I’m not walking away from discount tattoos either.

I thought a lot about what I was told today, about making the best of what I have. I don’t like advice. I rarely ask for it. Mostly because it just turns me into a dick. Especially unsolicited. I am trying to get better about it. But, I was given some things to think about today. I’m going to try writing short stories maybe once a week. They may even show up here now and again. I need to break this writer’s block. I’m also going to start posting things that inspire me. I discovered Imgfave today. If you’re curious, you can browse through the things I’ve saved so far here.

I think this is all I need to say today.

I lied. One more thing.