I had this whole blog planned out to celebrate my summer without Perez Hilton and how I don’t miss him at all and what finally made me give him up. (Hint: Part of it had to do with him saying something nasty about Joan Collins. Bitch, don’t you EVER.)
Then I took a tour of facebook.
This is going to turn into a total bitch and moan, so if you don’t want to read it, don’t follow the jump. I’m serious. Don’t say I didn’t warn your ass. Read the rest of this entry »
I have downloaded more free music samplers this week. Seriously. The first one was a Lollapalooza sampler and included what may be my new favorite song. Alberta Cross – The Thief & the Heartbreaker Seriously. I can’t stop listening to it. That and old old old New Amsterdams.
I saw BNB last night. Wifey was with me. It was the usual. “Give me a hug”, flirt, flirt, flirt. Whatever. Not falling for it this time! (Totally would fall for it). We walk out and she looks at me and says “He is really cute”. Thanks, betch. I know.
Feeling old today. Back to school time always gets me nostalgic. I miss college. I miss my friends and how there was always something to do. I miss drinking cheap, nasty beer/alcohol and playing drinking games. I miss the food. If you know where I went to school, you know exactly where I mean. I’d kill for that pizza or a bagel. Mmm. I miss the way campus looked after a storm. I just miss school.
I made a nostalgia mix today. It’s all crap I listened to freshman year. 18 years old and fresh faced and so very misguided. I thought I was so cool because I used to be the girl who knew about all the bands no one else did. I’d find them first. iTunes has a free indie sampler right now. I just downloaded it. I don’t recognize a single name. Not one. And I hate 90% of it. Where’s my AARP card? When do you stop being cool or relevant? Am I there and no one is telling me?! Promise me, my lovely friends and readers (since you’re one in the same, traffic is DOWN) that you’ll tell me if I start getting pathetic. I know, I’m not even 30 yet. But I am not used to not being the cool, indie rock girl.
Date night tomorrow. I’m meeting him at one of my favorite local places for whiskey and ginger ale. He wants to go for wings and beer. Although that sounds like an excellent date to me, not a first one. Ribs and/or wings are not something I can be lady like about. But I love them both.
I’ve been feeling so run down lately. No matter how much I sleep. I think it’s just the weather or allergies. The whiskey will help. Mmm.
Space Cowboy called tonight with good news and then we talked about what spurred my epic meltdown last week and I must say, I am so fucking lucky. Savannah calmed me out of my age freak out this afternoon. I have great friends. I do. I’m the type of girl who needs someone to slap me upside the head a la Gibbs every once in awhile and say “CHILL THE FUCK OUT, BITCH!” or sometimes I just need someone I can tell my secrets to.
There are definitely a lot of those. I was thinking on my way home from work tonight about the two parts of my personality. The good girl, we’ll call her lowercases, and then the bad girl. Capitals, natch. I am SO glad no one knows all of my secrets except for me and Jesus. He has to love me. All I have to do is apologize and tell him what I did and I’m forgiven. Right? That’s how catholicism works, right? That and I follow the three B’s. Booze, babies and bingo. I got this.
One last thing about music, when did “indie” start to mean hip hop? I am all about underground hip hop, helloooo. I have a fucking Sage Francis tattoo. But this is like…clubby hip hop. And shit that sounds like it should be on the Juno soundtrack. Le sigh.
So I got a text from Ruby Soho this week. She saw Cory Branan. She brought me up to him and…HE REMEMBERED ME! He told his girlfriend (boo) about me and everything. I can’t wait to see him again next month. A lot of good shows coming up. God I fucking love music.
I’m sorry I’ve been so fucking dull lately. I promise to make tomorrow night interesting. I mean, the dude is a zookeeper…it can’t be boring. Right? Famous last words…
Oh come on, ya’ll. I’m not working today. May as well entertain us both.
A few weeks ago I got a text from HC. He does this. I don’t hear from him for months and then he’s all up in my face with the “I miss you” and “we need to hang” bullshit. We met when his band played at my college, sophomore year. The first night he told me he was going to marry me someday. He’s been chasing me ever since. I was knee deep in Douche McGee at that point, so I told him he was crazy. Most of the time I ignore him, sometimes I indulge him and flirt. It’s fun. If he didn’t have the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen, I’d probably just write him off. The fact that he’s also my height ain’t working in his favor. I’m borderline midget territory, ya’ll. We are eye to eye.
The last time I saw him was at his band’s show up by where Totoro lives. I’ll tell the story of that epic weekend some other time. His band is awful. Just awful. Just hardcore shite. But, he’s an adorable little man and I amuse myself with him. I don’t really think he’s serious about wanting to actually be with me, so I’ll often ask him if he’s bought my ring yet. Today’s response was “I don’t know what size”. Ha. I am supposed to head back up to where he lives next weekend. Maybe I’ll actually grab some dinner with him or something. I mean, it’s the least I can do for the only man stupid enough to want to marry me. Right?
I am about 30 seconds from losing my shit today. I got attacked by Le Coug this morning. Le Coug is this woman I work with. She may in fact be Satan. She terrorizes the rest of us. You cannot win. EVER. I try to avoid her, but she sits directly across from me, inevitably, there are showdowns. She’s just an irritant though, not what’s occupying my brain.
I was looking through pictures last night and I ended up looking through my epic Lucero weekend pictures. I missed Woodership Down very much. Then I got to the pictures of me and Louisville. My heart sort of stopped for a minute. I keep thinking about him. That whole weekend was just sort of wonderful and crazy and strange and he was one of the best parts. I can’t seem to forget about him. He just pops into my head every know and then and I miss him like crazy. I don’t know why. We barely know each other. I don’t even know how old he is. My guess is younger than me. I left him a message on facebook last night and got a nearly immediate response. It made me swoon a little bit. I am such a girl about him too. He sends me really sweet texts from time to time and I have them saved as well. I’m trying to push him out, but it’s just not working. I’m planning a trip down there soon, we’ll see.
I have a lot of other things on my mind too. I’m just going to say it, you can hit me if you see me, I don’t care. I miss Banky. I miss his stupid little random texts and snarky comments. I can’t wait for him to get home. Mostly because I know I get a present, but also because I don’t like it when my friends are far away.
Space Cowboy and I had a very long talk last night about the DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA! we’re facing right now in our little circle of friends. I am very worried about how this is all going to play out. My job is to smooth things over and keep the peace. I am trying, but I’m tired, ya’ll. I have so much of my own bullshit to deal with right now I just don’t want to solve anyone else’s problems right now, or listen to anyone’s shit. But it’s what I do, and I’m damn good at it. So keep it coming. It’s a distraction from my issues.
I’m very good at hiding it when shit’s bothering me. Sure it shows up here, but unless you REALLY know me, and know my signs…you’d never know what was up. Most people just let it go. Those who love me know I’ll come to them when I’m ready to talk about it. Right now, I can’t. It’s too big and it hurts too much and I’m too scared. I’m dealing with it by throwing myself into any kind of distraction. I started a painting last night. I had to abandon it due to my crazy ass family being in town and wanting to go out to dinner at 9:00…but I feel…inspired. I’m working through it and even though my stress level is off the charts, I feel pretty good about how I’m handling it.
I’m supposed to go see BNB tonight at work. I owe him some shit. Also…I apparently have a date Friday. I’m not entirely sure how this happened, or why I agreed. I met this guy when I was on OkCupid for five minutes and we hit it off. The Zookeeper. I kind of stopped talking to him when I decided to settle down and give Toast a chance. We started talking again and he asked me out. I said ok. I like boys who buy me drinks. I also like boys named after cities in Kentucky…godamnit Louisville. I have a crush on you.
I can’t sleep. Probably because my sleep pattern is all fucked up now, and maybe because there’s a lot on my mind.
First of all, I can’t even put into words how awesome it’s been having Poprocks here. Even just sitting on the couch all day watching SVU together was awesome. I can just look over my shoulder and he’s there. It’s blissful. We have laughed so hard over so many silly things.
Friday night we went to the fair with Savannah. It was an experience. I outlined all the highlights. I got my picture taken with a tiger cub. It was the best thing ever. I ate a corn dog and heard Free Bird and saw lots of farm animals. We invented a new word. Nurpa. It’s a fopa on your neck. We got hysterical over the definition of fopa on Urban Dictionary. I had to call MFEO and leave her a voicemail. I cried the whole way through it. I could not stop laughing. I think it was the combination of hookah, cider and massive amounts of sugar. Fantastic.
Saturday we hung out with MFEO. We ran around town amusing ourselves and then went to dinner. Savannah joined us and again, we all laughed until we cried over stupid shit. I love my friends. After dinner, we went back to MFEO’s where her husband and I attempted to shave her cat. That’s not a euphemism. We really shaved her cat. Or tried to. We failed. Hard. 
Mr. MFEO and I were crying by the end of it. MFEO was not happy, but she should have been since Mr. MFEO and I bonded.
Today we laid around and watched SVU all day and I completely forgot about Clark’s wedding shower because I am a crappy friend. I feel like shit. I keep apologizing. My brain just got all caught up in Poprocks being here. I forgot. I fail. Space Cowboy called tonight and we talked it over. I will figure out a way to make it up to him. Read the rest of this entry »
Hey, you still there? Yeah, sorry about that. I need a few days to sort through my brain and set it straight.
I called Toast on Friday. I owed him an apology. The more I thought about it (and after a great conversation with old boss lady) I realized I never gave him a chance. I was so worried about protecting myself and being me that I never thought about how sometimes people change you for the better. So, I guess what I’m saying is we made up. We went to see Harry Potter on Friday night, yes I’m that lame, and he came over tonight and we watched About A Boy. HE HAD NEVER SEEN IT.
About A Boy is one of my favorite movies ever. I love anything Nick Hornby and Hugh Grant is another fave. Not to mention the soundtrack holds the key to my heart in one 3:20 song. He said he liked it, I hope he did. He may have lied to me after my disappointment of him refusing to give Flight of the Conchords a chance…and then me making him watch endless clips of it anyway via YouTube. I’m no quitter.
I spent some quality time with Clark and Button yesterday. She was wild all day, and then he put a video on and she curled up on me and I melted a little. Now that she’s starting to babble a lot, I asked Clark what she’s going to call me. My name in nearly un-pronounceable. Even to adults. He suggested my high school/college nickname. It lives on.
In the most exciting news, possibly ever, POPROCKS IS HOME!!!! He has returned from his adventures overseas and will be at my house on Friday. FOR A WHOLE WEEK. I have so many plans. I am so very excited. I am sure this will be the longest week of my life, waiting for him to get here. It will be worth it though. I have missed him more than I can ever put into words. Also, that bitch bought me a hookah. I adore him.
I have so much more to say, probably, but I’m so freaking tired and this weather is so perfect for sleeping. I’m going to go take advantage of it.
Well…fuck.
I burnt my Toast, ya’ll. It’s over before it began. I am…irritated. Apparently he wanted to tell me when he came over on Monday, but he couldn’t. I knew. He looked so sad. I could read every thought on his face. He talked and talked and talked. When he ran out of steam I let it all sink in. Then I said “ok”. “Is that all you have to say?” Of course it’s not. But it was all I wanted to say.
Hold onto your asses folks, are you ready?
He hurt my feelings. So I wasn’t shouting my love from the mountain tops, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t crazy about him. Sure once I realized we were completely incompatible I pulled back a little. But I talked about it! I expressed things! I reassured and listened! Not good enough. I almost reached through the phone when he said he felt it could be any guy in his situation, that it had nothing to do with him.
Oh. Hell. Naw.
Many have tried. More have failed. I have been explicitly clear over the past two years about the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend. They all tried to change my mind. I dropped them quicker than panties on prom night. (It hurt to write that).When I started this dating nonsense I said I didn’t want a boyfriend. When I met him, that changed. I was willing to try. I wanted to give it a real chance. He is the first guy in two years I have admitted to being in a relationship with! But it could have been anyone. Yeah. Ok.
I feel let down. My best wasn’t good enough. He got all sanctimonious and preachy on me. Look, I’ve gotten this speech before. Don’t talk down to me. I have been in love. I have felt that happiness that is so big you think your heart is going to explode. There is no way something so tiny could contain something so big and wonderful. I know what it’s like to look at someone and be filled with a love so deep it takes your breath away. Excuse me if I don’t want to go and just give myself away to the first guy that calls me pretty. I have never been desperate, I’m not about to start now.
I gave my heart to someone once. I’m not 100% sure I ever got it back. There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don’t think of him. There is not one day that I don’t miss him. I’m not looking for a fucking replacement. This girl wants the real deal. I’m not going to just open up and rush into something. I don’t have to. Don’t fucking treat me like a godamned pariah because I am single at 27. It’s not 1950. My ovaries are still steaming fresh. There is nothing wrong with me because I am not dependent on another human being for survival. I love you people, I do. I know you mean well. I do. But I am done. No more advice. No more treating me like a child. I am so happy for those of you that found your person. I lost mine. I don’t know that there is another one for me. If there is, he’ll find me when the time is right. In the meantime, I am very happy with who I am. I’m stuck in my ways. I also don’t think I’m a whore. We’re all adults here, it’s just a little sex. Read the rest of this entry »
MFEO – I apologize. I had a lot of thinking to do before I could write.
I’ve thought. A LOT. So here I am. Back and bitchier than ever. Sack up, hoes.
It’s official. I am seeing Toast. I have no idea what it means. It both terrifies and delights me. The last few days have been a whirlwind. I went up to see him last Wednesday and so began the decline into insanity.
This is my blog and I’ll talk about whatever I want, with no censorship, so if you don’t like it or are offended. Leave.
We had sex. Why? Because I’m horribly impatient and he had me all hot and bothered. We climbed into the back of his car and made out to Sufjan Stevens for awhile. It was awesome. I felt like I was 16. Then my slut vagina started doing all the talking and next thing I know…we’re in bed. Now look, I’m not the type of girl who talks about what goes on behind closed doors. I will say it was good. I will say that. I will also say I paraphrased that whole last part from High Fidelity.
This is where things get sticky. I have been conditioned by all of the douchebags I’ve gotten wrapped up in to not get emotionally attached, especially when sex is involved. Toast? Bless his precious little heart. He goes heart first into everything. We have had a lot of discussions about our very fundamental differences. Basically he’s a total woman and I am such a dude. Those are our words, not just mine. After the sex, he changed. He got very emotional and I got freaked out.
I don’t like to talk about feelings, I don’t like to ask questions, I just go with it. Here’s where the yelling starts…3…2…
This is why Banky and I worked. While I don’t miss him, because he is a giant dickweed and I KNOW THAT NOW, I miss the simplicity. We talked. We even talked about important things. We never talked about how we felt. It was just understood. I like subtlety. Me talking about my feelings is like having teeth pulled. I HATE it. I say enough to get my point across. That’s it. I rely on instinct and actions to show how I feel. I also can read people fairly well. I don’t need to be told how Toast feels, it is written all over his face. It’s this mix of fear, fascination and adoration. It terrifies me and is so endearing all at the same time.
It may seem odd to say this on a blog on the internet where anyone can read it, but…I’m very private. I am also fiercely independent. Read the rest of this entry »
