I did nothing this weekend. Truly. I sat on my ass and watched really awful chick flicks. Today’s? I watched the last 20 minutes of Maid In Manhattan. Lord help me, what have I become?

Ok, I lied. I took the dog to the dog park, but he was being a total asshole so we came home fairly early. I almost got knocked on my ass by this giant mastiff. The dog’s head was about the size of my car. That, is a dog.

I didn’t do anything because I’m in a big funk. A huge funk. I found my dream house. It’s in the neighborhood I want, it has a yard, I don’t even have to paint…it’s perfect. I don’t think there is a bank on Earth that will give me a loan considering how much debt I am in. Add to this me being very nervous about Hobnobs being here soon, and my unresolved issues with Banky and you get one mopey girl. My mother is convinced we can work this out and I can have that house. She drove by it today and now she’s in love with it. This is the same woman who didn’t want me buying the $80,000 condo. Now she wants me to buy a $147,000 house. Hi world, meet my mother.

I know that there would be a lot of sacrifice there and that I’d have to have a roommate. Hobnobs is the answer to that, but for how long? Also, I realized something today. Something important. I miss being someone’s girlfriend. I really do some days. It’s mostly the little things. I miss touch and jokes and just that feeling you get when you’re with someone you love. I am also terrified of it. I creep close to it, then as soon as it become reality, I run. Far and fast. Except for with Banky.

I think part of it was how we met. I had just decided to give up dating and I wasn’t looking for anyone, especially under the circumstances that we met. We hit it off immediately and become friends within minutes. Towards the end of those 10 magical days, I wondered what would happen when we got home. We were home for one day before I got a chance to find out. And for one month I had that feeling again. I was the happiest I’ve been in two years. People kept commenting on it. I was glowing. One week out of town and it was gone again, just like that. I was hurt and upset at first. I thought my curse had struck again. He was always honest with me and I knew the risks. I don’t blame him, I would have done the same thing. Fear makes people different. We take the path of least resistance. We go with what is comfortable and familiar. So he went back to his ex.

I don’t think our time was up yet. Clearly, as evidenced by what has happened this last month. I’ve woken up next to him twice. The first time, I excused. It was vengeance. Validation. I wanted it and i could still have it. That was all I needed. Then it happened again. Yes, I was very drunk. That’s no excuse. I knew better. So did he. We didn’t care. Why was he even at that bar that night? He was on my turf. Was he hoping to run into me? Why did he tell his friends everyone thought we were dating on our trip? Why did he answer “kinda” when asked if he had a girlfriend?

Ever since Douche McGee chewed me up and spit me out I have turned away plenty of men. There has been a lot of misguided interest in me. I have flirted with the idea of a few of them, but for the most part I shut them down. When I’m done with them, I shut them off. I walk away and they cease to exist. I answer no calls, texts, emails. No one likes a beggar. Why can’t I ignore him? He never gave me a break. We talked regularly for the four months in between our last time seeing each other and this month’s reunion. I can’t ignore his calls or texts. I truly think part of him cares about me. I care about him. I also know it would never work. I’m not that kind of girl. Or I didn’t think I was. I don’t know who I am anymore.

We haven’t talked much since the other night. I think it’s best for now. He’s probably confused too. I don’t know how to fix this one. I’ve really made a mess this time. I am that girl. I am the girl that destroyed my life. I don’t want to do that to someone else. I have to let him go. I just wish I knew how to make it easier. The first step is not seeing him. This may sound weird, so I’m going to quote my favorite movie to try and explain it. “As far as your senses are concerned, some people just feel like home.” His smell makes me melt. The way he looks at me, his taste…no one has felt that familiar to me since Douche. It’s the main reason I think I can’t shake him.

I just need to clear my head and stop listening to that silly thing in my chest. Hell, I didn’t even know it still worked. Until I met him. It’s not love. It’s just curiosity. What if…you know? Half of me wants to know and half of me is terrified to find out. MFEO says I have to tell him how I feel. Now…if only I knew…