This has been one of the worst weeks of my life.
I think Manfred is about to have a nervous breakdown. It’s one thing to watch your mother die. It’s another to watch her pass back and forth between two worlds.
After months of not fighting, not trying and just being complacent, she is fighting. She is resisting the peace that death will bring her. She wavers between silence and nonsense. After days of not eating of drinking, she begs for food and water. She mumbles about people who aren’t in the room, well…not that the rest of us can see. She cries and says she’s frightened. She says not to worry, she’s strong and she’s fighting. She doesn’t recognize her children. However, last night she nailed my name and called me her daughter-in-law.
She will be taken off of Hospice Continuous Care after tonight. Since she’s been up, alert…ish…and asking for food and drink, they think she doesn’t need any additional care. They also argue the family has been there around the clock so therefor…
I have always spoken highly of Hospice. I have always praised their efforts and their kindness. These bitches…
They denied her a transfer to the Hospice facility. They wouldn’t give a reason…finally Manfred dragged it out of them. Because it’s considered a lateral move, insurance wouldn’t cover the transfer and they would not be reimbursed. Are you fucking kidding me?
Then there was the issue with the agency nurses. I can understand Hospice being short staffed. It takes a special kind of person to do that work. But I don’t believe in filling in with agency nurses. Apparently the one was reading some racist propaganda newspaper. And the nurses at the nursing home…one of them blatantly told Mama she didn’t believe she was dying. That went over real well. They also argued with the family about how much meds they’re giving her. They’re accusing the family of overmedicating her and knocking her out.
When she’s awake she’s in pain, confused and scared. She upsets herself and the kids. The meds make her calm and comfortable. Why would you want any other alternative to that?
It’s a horrible, slow and excruciating process. Last night, I dragged Manfred out and he was so upset that he said he can’t go any more. He told his sister he needs to go see someone, and talk to someone because he can’t deal with her hanging on like this. No one wants to lose a loved one, but after you’ve watched someone you love suffer and struggle for so long, you pray for peace. You pray for relief. For them and for yourself. It’s a very horrible position to be in, but at the end of the day, you know that the only way it’s going to get better is for it to end.
For now, all my future scheduled appearances have been canceled. No Atlanta to see Jami. No Detroit for Thanksgiving with my sister. Even going to work is a struggle right now. I can’t stand to be apart from him.
After a long (wonderful) talk with Guam earlier this week, he put a lot of it into perspective for me. We talked a lot about my tragedy and his. I won’t go into his battle right now, but he knows my thoughts and prayers are with him and his beautiful family.
Guam has always been a good sounding board for me. I don’t even think when I talk to him. I don’t block or deflect, I just talk. I surprise myself with the insight he pulls out of me. He is a rare person in that I trust him completely and I never put my guard up with him. He forces me to think of things in different ways. For example, Manfred is a dude. He requires different things. He doesn’t want to talk, there’s nothing I can say, but my sheer presence is immeasurable. Just being in the same room helps. That’s made it both easier and harder for me. I hate to leave him for any amount of time, but I want to respect the fact that he needs some time to himself to reflect and cope.
Chi is in town and will hopefully be in my possession this evening. Some friends brought us dinner the other night and other friends are supposed to do the same on Saturday. We are so lucky to have so many amazing people to count on right now.
I just keep praying for this to all be over. For her to pass peacefully and for Manfred to find some much needed relief.
