I think I’ve been gone too long. This is all weird and new and I don’t like it. I DON’T LIKE IT.
Anyway. An update.
I’m fine. We’re fine. I was very annoyed because Manfred was being very annoying. We’re adults, we get over shit. Or, more accurately, we just ignore it and pretend it never happened. It’s shockingly effective. Things have been very calm and settled since then, and I know he loves me. He’s even trying to learn some Sufjan Stevens songs on the banjo. Suck up.
I’ve decided to just let things ride out until February. It’s going to be a rough month for me regardless of what happens with him, as it’s my grandmother’s birthday (on our godamn anniversary) and I will be in Puerto Rico. Alone. Mostly. Savannah will be there, and for that I say a silent prayer of thanks. It’s also going to creep up on the one year anniversary of losing her. I’m a mess most days about that still. I don’t know that a day, or even an hour goes by that I don’t think about her. I miss her so much. And I would give anything to talk to her about all of this. And I do. Because I’m a creep. And because I know she’s still listening and guiding me in her own way.
Or maybe she’s not. I flip out about that every other month, too. Have I mentioned I’m thinking about therapy? Yeah. I think I need that.
I wouldn’t go get my cards read in NOLA last month because I was too scared she would be there…and more scared she wouldn’t. WELCOME TO MY ISSUES. Blogging is like free therapy, right?
Anyway, when I get home from PR, I’m going to be an emotional mess and probably not in the right state of mind to be making BIG. LIFE. DECISIONS. So, for me, and me alone, I’m extending my personal deadline until April. If I can make it through March alive, I’ll consider that a big enough accomplishment.
I also feel weird about putting a deadline/ultimatum on my relationship. But I have to for my sanity. I don’t want to be wondering where we stand, and if I’m going to get to be a mom, at 34. Being pregnant is terrifying enough, I don’t need to add in extra risks.
This is all over the place.
In other news, I’m headed to Thanksgiving at my sister’s this year. I’m super excited to spend some time with her and my nephew cats. Should be excellent. Mom is coming too, so I know the turkey will be delicious. I hope y’all have a great holiday, too.