Oh bother

5 05 2013

The manfriend had to be at work early this morning to do some important testing stuff on some systems. We got up, grabbed breakfast, and then I came home to deal with the pack of wild dogs we live with, and he went to work.

I had some stuff to do on the internet, and I got sucked into a facebook hate spiral. Now, I almost never use my laptop anymore. Why would I? I have an iphone. But here I am, with this thing open and I am strolling down memory lane via my timeline. All of the sudden, I see a name I haven’t seen in several years. My ex’s bff. So I click on him to see what he’s up to. I love people who don’t understand the privacy settings. I’m looking through pictures and all of the sudden…there he is. That lanky motherfucker I thought I was going to marry.

I felt nothing.

No punch in the gut. No longing. Not even curiosity, really. Just kind of a, huh…ok. And then I realized his brother had posted the picture, so off I went to internet stalk him. Not disappointed. However, totally annoyed he seems to be into kilts these days. My legit Scotsman looks way better in a kilt than he ever will. But, I digress.

I came across my ex-boyfriend’s name and realized I still had him blocked. So I unblocked him and perused the few pictures he had up. He apparently went to Taliban summer camp at some point because, holy beard. I love a good beard, but he needs to keep his trimmed. Besides that, he looked ok. There was an old picture up there that I am 99% sure I took. It’s like another lifetime. He looks pretty happy. And honestly, that’s great. I don’t wish him any ill will any longer. We were both very young, very stupid, and we both made a lot of dumb decisions. I accept the fact that I did a lot of stupid shit in that relationship.

He was my first true love. He was my first true heartbreak. No matter what, there will always be a tiny spot in my heart for him. No matter how fucking dumb his beard looks, or how much of an asshole he is. Your heart is retarded like that. I still care about his well being, and there are times where I miss him as my friend. Now, I am smart enough to know we will never be friends. I just don’t think we can do it. But I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me sad. He was my best friend for a long time. And I will always miss that part of us, but sometimes shit just isn’t meant to be. That’s ok.

I get really pissed off at Manfred sometimes because he doesn’t let me get away with anything. We fight sometimes. We disagree on some pretty important shit. But we are always honest with each other. We talk about shit. And we love each other. Fiercely. It’s different. It’s what I need.

So, while I can look back on the past with some sort of fondness, I also know that no matter what, that wasn’t the right place or person for me. I think I always knew that, but it took a long time for me to accept it. This shit isn’t easy. But, with 31 just around the corner, I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. If nothing else, I’m really happy. And isn’t that all that matters?

Everybody hurts…sometimes.

22 04 2012

So here’s the long and short of it.

Life is very good. It is also very, very bad. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be, but lately the bad has been more than I can handle.

On March 1st this year, my grandmother died. It was sort of sudden and unexpected and I still feel so very lost without her. It’s been surreal. I forget all of the time that she’s gone. I’ll think about stopping by on my way to my mom’s and then it hits me. I can’t just drop in. I can’t just pick up the phone. It hurts so bad. I miss her every day. She was so much more than my grandmother. She was one of my best friends. She was my rock. I love my mom, but she’s difficult. My grandmother understood that and would listen to me and help guide me to the right decisions. I don’t know what life without her is going to be like in the long run, but for now it’s been miserable. My anxiety has gotten so bad I let the doctor write me a prescription for xanax. I always thought I was better than that. Not that I’m judging anyone else, I guess I just thought I was stronger.

My health has been fucking with me too. My thyroid is fucked up, I’m deficient in vitamins D and B12, and there is STILL something wrong with my gallbladder/liver/pancreas that they can’t figure out. I’ve paid $1600 for two test that have essentially told me nothing. I’m sick of it. I’m going to consult a GI and if she can’t figure it out, fuck it man. I’m not ever going to give up cheese. If it kills me, at least I can say I’ve eaten my fair share of bellavitano.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering how things are with Manfred. Well. We’re two stubborn ass adults trying to live together. There are good days and bad. I’ll accept a lot of the blame for the recent bad spell we had. I’ve just been an asshole. I’m sad and mopey and everything is OMGSOOVERWHELMING. I am trying to work through it, and be more patient not only with him, but with myself. Besides the brief spell of discord, things have been very good. He came with me to Maui in February and it was so perfect. It was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. And it helped me deal with all the shit that happened after we got home much better.

Cohabitation is hard. I have a lot of my father in me, unfortunately, and that means I am surprisingly OCD. If he doesn’t put something back in the right place, expect war. The laundry situation has gotten so out of hand, I have started to do his for him. I can’t deal with mess. Especially now. I need order. I can’t control how crazy work is, or the fact that my grandmother is gone, but I’ll be damned if my bathroom isn’t sparkling. We’re working through a lot of issues with the house. I know it’s hard for him, but the fact of the matter is, this is our home. It’s not just shelter. It’s our sanctuary. So when it’s stressing us out, that puts a serious damper on our happiness.

But honestly, I am happy. As happy as one can be while going through turmoil. I’m kicking ass at work and I actually do love my job. For real. He infuriates me, but I love Manfred so much it hurts sometimes. He just gets it. He gets ME. And it frustrates him sometimes, but he’s so patient. And for that, I love him so much more. We make a good team. He’s got my back. And he’s not afraid to stand up for me. Now THAT is a refreshing change. He also happens to be super snuggly and smells delicious. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re good for each other. He’s definitely good for me. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Knowing we are there for each other and we have someone to come home to…that’s the second best part of my day. Second only to taking my goddamn bra off.

So anyway, that should catch you up on what’s been going on in 2012. Hopefully there will be some great adventures coming soon…


Reality bites.

13 07 2010

I know, ya’ll, I KNOW.

I’m not dead. I am exhausted. I have a million wonderful stories to tell you. People, places, things…but I have to sort through it all still. And deal with being back in Ohio and back to work and the reality of all of that. So…soon. I promise. Big things. Funny things. Stories of things delicious and drunken shennanigans. Just…come back tomorrow, ok?

It was nice waking up next to you

1 06 2010

Meltdown. Read the rest of this entry »

So sad and lonely for being only a little girl

7 12 2009

On Saturday I had a HUGE spike in readership. 212. Sunday? 16. I usually average between 30-40. What gives, ya’ll? Read the rest of this entry »

So I think I can solve all my problems by myself. Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

2 12 2009

I don’t have a lot to talk about. Sorry. Read the rest of this entry »

I am your hangover morning.

1 12 2009

I’m just not in the mood tonight. Read the rest of this entry »


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