Everybody hurts…sometimes.

22 04 2012

So here’s the long and short of it.

Life is very good. It is also very, very bad. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be, but lately the bad has been more than I can handle.

On March 1st this year, my grandmother died. It was sort of sudden and unexpected and I still feel so very lost without her. It’s been surreal. I forget all of the time that she’s gone. I’ll think about stopping by on my way to my mom’s and then it hits me. I can’t just drop in. I can’t just pick up the phone. It hurts so bad. I miss her every day. She was so much more than my grandmother. She was one of my best friends. She was my rock. I love my mom, but she’s difficult. My grandmother understood that and would listen to me and help guide me to the right decisions. I don’t know what life without her is going to be like in the long run, but for now it’s been miserable. My anxiety has gotten so bad I let the doctor write me a prescription for xanax. I always thought I was better than that. Not that I’m judging anyone else, I guess I just thought I was stronger.

My health has been fucking with me too. My thyroid is fucked up, I’m deficient in vitamins D and B12, and there is STILL something wrong with my gallbladder/liver/pancreas that they can’t figure out. I’ve paid $1600 for two test that have essentially told me nothing. I’m sick of it. I’m going to consult a GI and if she can’t figure it out, fuck it man. I’m not ever going to give up cheese. If it kills me, at least I can say I’ve eaten my fair share of bellavitano.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering how things are with Manfred. Well. We’re two stubborn ass adults trying to live together. There are good days and bad. I’ll accept a lot of the blame for the recent bad spell we had. I’ve just been an asshole. I’m sad and mopey and everything is OMGSOOVERWHELMING. I am trying to work through it, and be more patient not only with him, but with myself. Besides the brief spell of discord, things have been very good. He came with me to Maui in February and it was so perfect. It was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. And it helped me deal with all the shit that happened after we got home much better.

Cohabitation is hard. I have a lot of my father in me, unfortunately, and that means I am surprisingly OCD. If he doesn’t put something back in the right place, expect war. The laundry situation has gotten so out of hand, I have started to do his for him. I can’t deal with mess. Especially now. I need order. I can’t control how crazy work is, or the fact that my grandmother is gone, but I’ll be damned if my bathroom isn’t sparkling. We’re working through a lot of issues with the house. I know it’s hard for him, but the fact of the matter is, this is our home. It’s not just shelter. It’s our sanctuary. So when it’s stressing us out, that puts a serious damper on our happiness.

But honestly, I am happy. As happy as one can be while going through turmoil. I’m kicking ass at work and I actually do love my job. For real. He infuriates me, but I love Manfred so much it hurts sometimes. He just gets it. He gets ME. And it frustrates him sometimes, but he’s so patient. And for that, I love him so much more. We make a good team. He’s got my back. And he’s not afraid to stand up for me. Now THAT is a refreshing change. He also happens to be super snuggly and smells delicious. But that’s neither here nor there. We’re good for each other. He’s definitely good for me. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Knowing we are there for each other and we have someone to come home to…that’s the second best part of my day. Second only to taking my goddamn bra off.

So anyway, that should catch you up on what’s been going on in 2012. Hopefully there will be some great adventures coming soon…

 


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Still standing

18 04 2012

Life has been…interesting this year. Some very good and wonderful things have happened, and some terrible, life changing things have happened.

Now that I share a home with Manfred, it’s been really hard to write here. I crave solitude when I write. I need to be alone with my thoughts. They’ve been taking over lately and I’ve been pretty unbearable. I need this space. So I’ll figure it out. I need A space. My own little corner. Cohabitation is HARD, y’all. I love falling asleep next to him every night, but I’m not always thrilled to trip over his boxers in the hallway. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. I am learning a lot about patience. Something I need quite a bit more of.

So when I can sort through everything in my brain, I’ll tell you about all the wonderful things, and when I’m ready, I’ll conquer the big ugly things, too. Bottom line, I’m working on it. I’m really working on trying to make my life better and make me better. It’s been hard, but it’s really starting to pay off. I’m happy. Mostly. The reasons I’m not have nothing to do with anyone but me. And I’m working on those, too. I’m just thankful that I have such an awesome cast of supporting characters in this crazy performance.


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And then it was 2012

6 01 2012

So apparently I took a hiatus. Sorry. Facebook makes me the LAZIEST person ever. I assume most of you know what I’ve been up to, but if not, I am stealing this from my dearest Saumurai Strong, to fill you in.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I moved in with a boy. Like…legitimately. It’s the biggest step I’ve taken in a relationship and it’s mildly terrifying, but mostly awesome.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t know. At the beginning of 2011 my world was total chaos. I don’t remember what I said I wanted to do last year besides stay out of hospitals. That one was broken before we were a week in, so… As for 2012, I want to focus on me and my health. I found a new doctor and I’m making the time to take care of me. I also want my inspiration back. I want to write more. Create more. I want to stop being a lazy friend and actually SEE people I love outside of facebook.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Martha gave birth to a beautiful boy! One of my reps also had an adorable baby girl. BABIES.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
After 2010 and it’s awfulness, I wish I could say no. I truly do. But I lost a very dear friend last year who I still miss so, so much. I am also convinced he is my guardian angel and I am so thankful he is still looking out for me.

5. What countries did you visit?
Miami, FL.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Less stress. More dollars.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, nothing really stands out as a date, but Opening Day was an amazing experience. Hydroplaning into a ditch was not.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Getting promoted at work? I was lazy last year. It was a rebuilding year.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t feel like I failed at anything late year, really. I just didn’t knock anything out of the park, either.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
HA! Broke a toe, busted my knee, got diagnosed with thyroid deficiency, vitamin deficiencies and some weird, unknown ear issue. Not my best year. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Clairisonic Mia. LOVE IT. 

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Clothes.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Growing in my relationship with Manfred. Space Cowboy coming home. Traveling a lot. Special projects at work.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
It was the year of Glossary. Your Heart To Haunt was a favorite, as was the entire new album.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier. So, so much happier. Fatter? I’ve had three people tell me I look like I’ve lost weight within the past three days, but the scale says otherwise. Richer. I have been learning a lot from my thrifty boyfran. 

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cook. Create. Write.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?
All over. His sister’s. My dad’s. My mom’s. My gran’s.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks and Recreation

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a few books, but none of them were amazing. Bossypants was probably the fave.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Glossary. 

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
The Muppets.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Bwahaha. I was 29 and I sat in my mom’s basement, with no power, as the tornado sirens wailed, and then went and sat in my car so I could listen to the Reds lose to the Phillies.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More job satisfaction. More money. The Reds (or Tigers) winning the series. 

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Jeans. V-neck t-shirt. Ballet flats. Cardigan. Fancy makeup. Non-fancy hair.

26. What kept you sane?
Manfred. MFEO. Seesters. Savannah. Escaping town.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Patience truly is a virtue.


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and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything

14 03 2011

I have been pretty grumpy as of late. I’m going through a lot, and it’s all self-inflicted. It’s like another quarter life crisis. I still don’t know what I want to be or where I want to be or how I want to be. When…that question blows my mind. I can’t even deal with when.

I gave up on the idea of grad school. Let’s be real honest here, friends. I’m smart enough, but I’m not dedicated enough. I half-assed college because I didn’t care about 75% of my classes. I spare no time or attention for things that don’t interest me. If it doesn’t totally capture me and make me obsessed…meh. I couldn’t care less.

When I was at our big team meeting in Florida, we had this guest speaker. She was asked to speak, I think, because my company is AWFUL about work life balance. Ya’ll have heard me rage about it before. I’ve gotten to a place where things are (mostly) good and balanced. But she talked about making yourself happy and how basically there won’t be balance in any part of your life if you’re not.

This has been gnawing at the back of my mind ever since.

I’m not happy. I don’t want to live in Ohio. I don’t want to be a graphic designer forever. I don’t know if I want to be with Manfred.

The last one is the one that is killing me. Lately I’m not happy with him. He’s changed. I know, he’s been through a lot the past year. But where was I? Did I not go through it too? Did I not hold his hand and silently reassure him? For what? A surly replacement of a man I fell in love with? I don’t think so. He’s incorrigible. I don’t even think he realizes it. He’s mean and he puts me down and I don’t feel like he supports me. I feel like a fat idiot around him. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And that’s not how it used to be. I don’t want to get stuck here because of him either. He asks my opinion on shit and he talks about “our house” and “our” this and that. We talk about the future and children but…I don’t know that I want that with him anymore.

I’m not saying I don’t love him, or that I’m going to end it. I’m just saying I have a lot of soul searching to do and a lot of questions to answer. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid of starting over. What’s one year compared to eight?

I tried to talk to him this weekend, sort of. He made one shitty comment and eye roll too many and I lost my temper. Not the best way to approach it. He spent the rest of the night giving me the silent treatment. Meanwhile I quietly pretend everything is fine. Oh we’re a fine example of a classic gaelic love affair. Just plod through the misery.

My bright spot in all of this is that Space Cowboy will be home in about three weeks. MY SPACE COWBOY IS COMING HOME! I can’t wait to hear his voice. I’ve been avoiding all my closest friends lately because I don’t want them to hear the sadness in my voice. The defeat. So, nothing personal, lovers. I just don’t know what to say right now. Sometimes saying nothing is easier.

When I opened Space Cowboy’s email this morning, it was like a ray of sunshine. He’ll be home and we’re going to write together and go on trips and have adventures and I know he’ll be different, but I’m different too. We can rediscover each other and ourselves and build and even stronger friendship. He’s the one that I love best.

So that’s what’s up. I’m all full up of emotions and confusion and excitement and sadness. I’m human. I’m going to go to see my mitten clan this weekend and Manfred is going to see his crazy ass Palin loving cousin who lives in the middle of nowhere with his sister. He’s super pissed I’m not going but come on. Does he really expect me to behave for an entire weekend with some Tea Party shopoholic? I can keep my mouth shut around his stupid* Republican friends because it’s in small doses…but that’s just putting a match to a powder keg. Sometimes it’s like he has no idea who I am.

Anyway, I’m going to go back to being quiet now. Everything is fine. Opening day is the day before Space Cowboy comes home. If I can make it until then, I can make it through anything.

*I say stupid and I mean in their retarded uber conservative views. Besides that most of them are quite lovely.


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Bloody marys and grilled cheese…because I’m an adult

9 03 2011

I have been thinking about ditchin’ this here blog contraption seeing as I have no desire to write lately. None. I have nothing interesting to say. Things aren’t bad, they’re not good, I’m just puttering along, existing and such.

I went to Florida. It was warm and there was a day at the beach and for a moment everything was okay again. I walked out about a quarter mile into the ocean by myself and just thought. I thought about everything. It was the most relaxed I’ve been in a good two years. It’s the first time I’ve been in the ocean since 2007. Shoot me in the face.

I was in Florida for the j-o-b so it wasn’t all fun and games…but it was mostly. If we hit our stretch sales goal in June/July we’re having the meeting in Maui next February. MAUI. FEBRUARY. MAAAAAUUUUUUUUIIIIIII. So if you know who I work for, and what we sell…go get you some!

Manfred has had a fire lit under his ass and decided to move bedrooms, buy a guest bed and start cleaning out Unc’s shit. I think these are all generally good signs, but he’s also been kind of a dick lately so I’m spending a lot of time away from him so he can work through that aggression without me having to deal with it.

It’s Lent. I actually am making a sacrifice this year. Not some half-assed one, a real one. No dining out. I kept saying eating out, but my 12 year old boy mind kept going gross places and you know…so no dining out.  This means I bought a shit ton of groceries and I am cooking more. Better for the bottomline, better for the waistline.

Speaking of…I’ve been getting up and going to workout in the mornings. You heard me. MORNINGS. 6:00am. Kitty is kicking my ass. I hate it, but I love it. But mostly I hate it. I’m growing to love the challenge and seeing how far I can push my body. At this point…not very. My freaking hammies are SO TIGHT. I thought I ripped one the other morning. Le ouch. I wanted to eat a Girl Scout cookie today. She told me she’d make me do squats and (more) wall sits. Guess who didn’t eat a cookie. Guess who will end up doing squats and wall sits anyway.

I’ve been thinking about my happiness a lot lately. I’ve sacrificed a lot over the past few years. Well, the past year mostly, but I’m starting to see pay off in some areas, but others…I’m disenchanted. I’m bored and I need something new. I tried to tell myself I’d write more, or create. I’ve done nothing of the sort. Clearly. But I think I need something more than to paint or write or make things. I just don’t know what it is yet. I’m prepared to find out though so be prepared for me to be totally selfish for awhile. I barely have enough energy to do what I need to do and I have no desire to deal with anyone else’s needs right now. Sorry. I just need time to figure it out. I’ve been a totally shitty friend lately, so most of you probably won’t even notice.

As usual, I’ve done nothing constructive with this space so I’m going to go watch some Futurama. Viva la Netflix.


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And there’s still a few things that I’m sure of. I love you this hour, this hour today.

31 01 2011

I am not going to apologize anymore when I disappear and stop writing. So. There.

I am in a horrible bout of depression. I lost a very dear friend who I haven’t seen in way too long. I could have made the time, but I didn’t. And now I can’t. That guilt is killing me. I miss him SO MUCH and I can’t even begin to imagine a world without him. Add to that my missing of Space Cowboy, work, Manfred…I’m done. I’m exhausted.

I live a very unhealthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically. I am sick of it. So I am changing things. I bought a new cookbook this weekend and I am very excited to get it. I am not going on a diet, because diets do not work with me. I am just eating more of different foods and less of others. And I am pretty much going vegetarian. Now, don’t look at me like that. I can’t be vegan because greek yogurt/cheese/honey/butter. I can’t be vegetarian because bacon. And chicken still is my main source of protein. But I’m working on it. I tolerate chickpeas and I made some mashed up black beans tonight with mashed up avocado. I will eat damn near anything if there’s avocado on it. But I digress. I am re-joining my gym at work and Kitty and I are going to make time during the day to go work out. I am already there, I may as well.

I also am taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. It’s been hard. Manfred is pretty unpredictable right now. He doesn’t realize when he’s being awful so I forgive him his bouts of meanness. When he does recognize them, he apologizes unprompted. We never can manage to stay mad at each other. I try to not be around much these days, but I crave him. His smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. He is delicious on every sensory level. And really, he’s an amazing human being. His kindness and generosity know no bounds. He remembered that Nola wanted something very special that is very hard to get and when the opportunity presented itself to me to acquire one…he took it upon himself to buy one for me and her. The fact that he is also kind to my friends…swoon. I know another man who is like that as well ladies…he’s available…tall, handsome and sweeter than honey. Mr. J-Bear…I’m talking about you, sir.

I have started to “force” myself to create more. To make time for things like crafting and reading…writing…meh. I don’t feel like I have anything to say right now. It’s all just…blah. I’ll get back to that place, but there’s everything and nothing to say right now. It took me two days to write Space Cowboy back. Have I mentioned I miss him like crazy? Because dear god…every fiber of my being misses him so fucking much. Please come home soon.

I am too lazy to check and see if I already wrote about going to Ft Lauderdale at the end of February. It’s for work, but I will be there Friday-Thursday. Do you know what they have in Ft Lauderdale? MOTHERFUCKING SUNSHINE. And it will be over 32 degrees, so yay!

We’re on the cusp of a supposedly terrible ice storm. I can’t even deal anymore. I consider every single flake of snow a personal affront at this point. I am offended by the amount of snow we’ve received this year. However…it will make recreating a special day much easier.

One year ago, this coming Sunday, Manfred and I got snowed in, drunk and watched Lebowski. Then we did it. A lot. So we’ve decided this should be our anniversary date. Mostly because we never really picked one. I mean, the “facebook official” date is probably later in the month, but meh. Who are we kidding? The second we kissed for the first time it was all over. I fought so hard, but he totally owns me, heart and soul. That asshole.

So yes. One year. What a fucking year. We’ve made it through SO MUCH together and I think we’re both glad to have come out on the other side of it intact. What doesn’t kill you, right?

In other news, I am freezing my balls off over here, so I’ma go get warmed up and maybe read my book for a bit.


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I need an escape

18 11 2010

I’m sad.

Can I just be sad for awhile?

I’m going to go to bed and be sad.


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Bring it, zombie apocalypse

13 11 2010

Yesterday afternoon I came home and planted the shit out of some bulbs. Our yard is going to look beautiful this spring. Of course, I did it my way. As Manfred explained ‘Most people enjoy yard work and find it relaxing. You get all mad at it and can’t figure out why you’re not done 5 minutes after you started.”

I have no patience. But I got about 60 bulbs planted in a little over an hour. I also have a huge blister on my right palm from the bulb planter. I tried to put some of that new skin shit on it. OMFG. I yelled so loud Manfred and the neighbor across the street heard me. DO NOT. EVER.

I was trying to hurry up on the bulb planting because the Manfred got a call that Big Z had a really nice shotgun come into the store and it was going for cheap. I asked if I could shoot since we were going to the range. I think he was excited I showed any interest in shooting a gun, so he grabbed his bag o’ destruction and we headed out.

I thought I made a huge mistake when we walked in the store. It was fucking taxidermy heaven up in there. NRA shit all over…for someone who shops exclusively at Whole Foods and recycles…I felt a little out of place. But we got all signed up and Big Z taught me the basics and we headed out on the range.

First thing you should know about me. I HATE loud noises. I jump every time there’s a loud noise in a movie whether it’s scary or not. I am a chicken shit. Needless to say, I started off nervous and by the time we were n the range, I was terrified. It sounded like there was a godamn cannon going off at the other end. I was like velcro to Manfred. He is very smart and made me wear ear plugs AND muffs.

He started me off with a .22 and then a .38 revolver. But I wanted to shoot the 1911 .45. It’s the “tokidoki gun”. And he had really pretty grips on it. I am nothing if not a raccoon or magpie. I like pretty things. As soon as I shot it the first time, I knew why he liked shooting. It scared the crap out of me, but it felt amazing to be in control of something that powerful. My first target looked pretty good. I made him send out the second one and I unloaded ten rounds into it.

The results.

Five bullseyes. Three in the same spot. Everything within the 9 ring. With this target I am qualified to be a police officer within the state of Ohio. I could also qualify to have my concealed carry license. Needless to say, I was pretty damn proud of my new found abilities.

This does not mean I have any desire to own a gun or shoot competitively or any of the fantasies that started playing out in Manfred and Big Z’s heads. But I can’t say I didn’t enjoy myself. And I am fully confident that when the time comes, I will be able to protect myself from the zombie apocalypse.


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I can has weekend?

12 11 2010

So there’s nothing new to report.

Mama has seemed to really turned it around and she’s hanging in there. She’s very alert, mostly coherent and drinking anything she can get her hands on. She seems to be out of immediate danger, but who the hell knows what’s going to happen. I’ve tentatively planned a trip to Detroit to see my sister (and Cory Branan) on the 17th. I have no idea if it’s going to work out or not. I take each day as it comes anymore.

And each day this week has felt like a Monday. I’m tired and annoying things keep happening due to my tiredness. I can’t brain. I can’t even finish my book. Usually you put a book in front of me and I devour it. 700 pages? Psh. An afternoon. But as soon as I get into a comfortable position and crack open my book…sleep. I’m ready to have some energy back. Let’s make it a good one, weekend.

Yesterday I had the best day I have ever had out of the 6.5(ish) years I have been at my job. It’s been slowly getting better and I don’t hate it. I don’t even hate my boss. I’m creating my job now and it’s really turning into something I…enjoy? I still hate a lot of people that work here, but there have been some changes that I think will work out favorably for me and I am excited for that. It’s weird.

So yeah, yesterday.

I spent all day on a photo shoot for a piece I’m working on for our dress code. We took real associates, I sent them a list of two outfits to buy and they came in from all over and we did a photo shoot. The atmosphere was so fun. Everyone was so excited and they all looked sooo good. We only hire sexy people. Clearly. Exhibit: Me.

I was there from 8am to 7pm and came home to a GoldenEye playing boyfran. We went out for a very nice dinner, I came home, gave him a kiss and got in bed with my book. I think I made it through two whole chapters! Success!

I slept like shit ALL NIGHT. At one point, Manfred was snoring so loud I think I hit him to wake him up and yelled at him. I am not nice when my sleep is disturbed. Anyone who has EVER shared a bed/room/nap with me can tell you that.

Now I am enjoying a sort of catch up day at work and hopefully an early sneak out to go plant bulbs in the yard. I tried to delegate to Manfred, but he played me good. Lazy b-hole.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful week and thank you to everyone who has sent love, good thoughts and words of encouragement. You have no idea how much they have meant and how much YOU mean to me. Thank you. I love you.


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Late night musings

17 10 2010

I’ve been trying to write this post for a few days now. #300. That’s a lot of pressure. What do I write about? Do I treat it like any other old blog? I have so much to say, but when the box pops up, my mind goes blank.

As I sit here tonight, sleepless, it hit me.

I have been avoiding you. All of you. I have been avoiding opening up and having real feelings about real things. I realized yesterday that I haven’t talked to Nola on the phone in weeks. I haven’t been emailing with Chi. I haven’t talked to anyone outside of Kitty and Savannah at work and Totoro and Manfred at home.

Why so reclusive?

Apparently my refusal to talk about real shit with the people I love and trust the most has spread to my blog. I guess because I know, for the most part, all of my closest friends read this. After what I wrote a few weeks ago I felt guilty and lord knows, I did NOT want to talk about it. I withdraw from everyone when I get worked up like that. Half the time I don’t even notice. God bless all of you who let me have that space to work through my doubts and insecurities.

Right now things are…ok. I have a lot going on at work and I had to cancel my trip to the mitten for Totoro’s birthday because I am broker than broke. How I am going to manage to afford back to back extended weekends in NOLA and ATL, I have no idea. But I will figure it out. I’ll pack ramen. ;)

I spent a lot of time alone this weekend, by choice…mostly, and it gave me time to think. I also may have watched How to Train Your Dragon three times, but that’s neither here nor there.

What I am trying to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I get all melodramatic and yelly and then disappear for days/weeks at a time. I just popped over to my livejournal tonight and shiiiiit. I haven’t written there since January. I went back and read through some things and it was all “Banky, Banky, Banky” and “Crush, Crush, Crush” and wow. In less than a year I have gone from dysfunctional half ass relationship with B to full on infatuation with the Crush to real grown up love with Manfred.

Why do you people let me out unsupervised??

I kid. It’s been a rough few years for me in the heart department and I am finally with someone who cares about my heart. And while he has his own battles to fight, when it comes to the clutch, he’s there. And I know I can count on him. So, wow. It’s been nine months since we crossed into more than friends territory. And what a crazy nine months its been. Ya’ll have been here with me through all of it. So be honest, I’m totally bipolar, right?

I feel like it somedays.

It’s a struggle, but there are moments when I feel like me again. Sure. Confident. I feel like I can trust my instincts and that I came out of the last battle stronger and with a better game plan. It was a bloody war and there were no winners of those battles. But these days, I feel like I am leading a winning campaign. Sure there are still some skirmishes here and there, but I feel like we’re figuring it out.

I’ll say this, life is never boring around here.


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