We laugh at danger and break all the rules

21 07 2009

Hey, I’m back to almost no readers. AWESOME.

A few things. Someone explain to me why when I google weird things that lead to my blog, according to my stats, my blog never comes up? For example – “rus bbw”. What the hell are you people looking for?! Also, “dad needs band-aid”. Seriously. Why would you need to google that and how would that lead you here? I’m worried about your immortal souls, internet.

More important things. I know a lot of you don’t read this, obviously. I can see that. However, if you do and you can offer ANY help. I’m begging. Pleading. I’m talking whipped cream with a cherry in top, PLEASE!

I have two friends who live in Louisville. They are two of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. They opened their home and hearts to me and treated me like they’d known me their entire lives. I met them through Woodership Down when we went on our epic Lucero weekend back in April. They are stranded in the mountains of West Virginia with $26, a busted head gasket, a $565 mechanic bill (that didn’t fix shit) and no place to stay/short amount of supplies. They created a facebook group asking for help. Being the kind of people they are, they are content with just a positive thought or quick prayer. If that’s all you can offer, please give it. If I were in this position, I’d have lost my shit by now. They are handling it with grace and humor and the utmost humility. I know if the situation were reversed, they’d do anything they could to help. So please, just think about it. You can contact me via lowercasesandcapitals@live.com

In more positive news…. THE FAIR IS THIS WEEK!!! I already warned Poprocks that we are going. I want to remind him of the delicious white trash he left behind. Welcome back to the real America, my love. Corndogs. Lemon shake ups. Bad tattoos. Mullets. Sugar waffles. Tractor pulls. FARM ANIMALS. I love the fair. Un-ironically.  (I have to clarify all of the things I love, that I shouldn’t to Toast. Like Lynyrd Skynyrd). FAIR! I think Wifey and perhaps Savannah will join us. I am SO EXCITED. Of course, I am a huge fan of any place that offers me a variety of fried foods. And the people watching…sweet baby jesus. If you’re interested in joining the madness, let me know.

UPDATE – My friends have been rescued! For the most part. They’re at least being taken home, broken truck and all. A lot of people love those two. I can only hope I inspire the same type of friendship…but we all know better. ;)


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

It’s plain to see, you’re a dangerous thing

15 07 2009

Well…fuck.

I burnt my Toast, ya’ll. It’s over before it began. I am…irritated. Apparently he wanted to tell me when he came over on Monday, but he couldn’t. I knew. He looked so sad. I could read every thought on his face. He talked and talked and talked. When he ran out of steam I let it all sink in. Then I said “ok”. “Is that all you have to say?” Of course it’s not. But it was all I wanted to say.

Hold onto your asses folks, are you ready?

He hurt my feelings. So I wasn’t shouting my love from the mountain tops, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t crazy about him. Sure once I realized we were completely incompatible I pulled back a little. But I talked about it! I expressed things! I reassured and listened! Not good enough. I almost reached through the phone when he said he felt it could be any guy in his situation, that it had nothing to do with him.

Oh. Hell. Naw.

Many have tried. More have failed. I have been explicitly clear over the past two years about the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend. They all tried to change my mind. I dropped them quicker than panties on prom night. (It hurt to write that).When I started this dating nonsense I said I didn’t want a boyfriend. When I met him, that changed. I was willing to try. I wanted to give it a real chance. He is the first guy in two years I have admitted to being in a relationship with! But it could have been anyone. Yeah. Ok.

I feel let down. My best wasn’t good enough. He got all sanctimonious and preachy on me. Look, I’ve gotten this speech before. Don’t talk down to me. I have been in love. I have felt that happiness that is so big you think your heart is going to explode. There is no way something so tiny could contain something so big and wonderful. I know what it’s like to look at someone and be filled with a love so deep it takes your breath away. Excuse me if I don’t want to go and just give myself away to the first guy that calls me pretty. I have never been desperate, I’m not about to start now.

I gave my heart to someone once. I’m not 100% sure I ever got it back. There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don’t think of him. There is not one day that I don’t miss him. I’m not looking for a fucking replacement. This girl wants the real deal. I’m not going to just open up and rush into something. I don’t have to. Don’t fucking treat me like a godamned pariah because I am single at 27. It’s not 1950. My ovaries are still steaming fresh. There is nothing wrong with me because I am not dependent on another human being for survival. I love you people, I do. I know you mean well. I do. But I am done. No more advice. No more treating me like a child. I am so happy for those of you that found your person. I lost mine. I don’t know that there is another one for me. If there is, he’ll find me when the time is right. In the meantime, I am very happy with who I am. I’m stuck in my ways. I also don’t think I’m a whore. We’re all adults here, it’s just a little sex. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

I’ll jump in, but I don’t wanna swim

29 06 2009

Holy balls, ya’ll. What have I done?

I got this brilliant idea for a new blog the other night. One people might actually read… Anyway, as I was politely telling Banky to go fuck himself, and he was whining that he didn’t know about all my “rules”, I decided to write a manual. It started as a joke. I was going to write about all my crazy “rules”. I was then going to hand it over to any boy brave (read: stupid) enough to try and pursue me. Then it hit me. BLOG. Write about these adventures and why dating is the worst form of torture on Earth. Fuck waterboarding. Prisoners should be forced to proofread and edit dating site profiles. It is PAINFUL. Talking to these idiots is even worse.

Last summer Martha and I made a bet that I couldn’t find one dude worth a second date on Match. I feel like I’ve talked about this. Long story short, she actually won. I met a total sweetheart. We went out a lot for a few weeks and then it just stopped. I don’t know why. There wasn’t long term potential there, most likely, but I liked him.

That was the final straw. I gave up and walked away from it. I embraced singledom and freedom. Then I met Banky. It was just the right time and place and we started off doing everything right. Then I realized he was a tool. I mean, I feel bad sometimes. I trash him here. He’s not a bad person, he is just a shit boyfriend. He is still my friend. Sort of. I have no ill will towards him, I just want to choke him until he passes out. Some days.

I’m getting distracted. So in order to start this new dating adventure blog, I have to…date. This goes against everything I stand for. However, I will stop at nothing to entertain my friends. I sign up for a free internet dating site. Mistake #1. Within moments I am inundated with responses. Some of them were just painful. No imagination or creativity. Some just said, “hi”.

Then…there was Toast. As soon as I saw his screen name I knew I was going to like him. Then we started to talk…and talk…and talk. The more we talked the more I realized I was having conversations with myself. My stubborn ass, music obsessed self. The flood of guilt was shocking to me. I’ve said I’ve met the male version of me before, but never like this. It’s terrifying and amazing all at once. I don’t even know what to think or do. So I told the truth. I told him my intentions with this new blog and the dating and I even told him about this blog. I figure if he can read this and still talk to me… Well. Yeah. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 13 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

You know that you are not alone, need you like water in my lungs.

3 06 2009

I am sick of my hormones. Shark week is inevitably a roller coaster of crazy. One minute I love everyone and the world is full of happiness and sunshine. The next I’m sobbing uncontrollably because Banky has not responded to my text message about banjos and bagpipes. And then there’s the blind rage. The pure, white hot rage that only my mother, sisters and boyfriends can inspire in me. The kind of angry that makes me turn my phone off and drive around listening to Sufjan Stevens while trying not to bawl my eyes out to Sufjan Stevens – For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti or Sufjan Stevens – Redford (For Yia-Yia & Pappou).

It’s something so silly and stupid but it just pisses me off. I had to just walk away or I’d explode all over the poor woman and she doesn’t deserve that. Few people actually deserve my wrath. I am Irish and Scottish. I have a horrible temper. As quick as it flares, it burns out. I need that chance to flip my shit and get it out of my system…then I’m fine. During shark week, I try to avoid my mother all together as the sight of her usually incites my rage. She is the sweetest woman alive, when she wants to be, and she does so much for me. However, she is also incredibly frustrating and lacks common sense and logic. It’s best that we don’t cross paths over those five days of hot flashes and mood swings.

In other news, there is no other news. I’ve been thinking a lot about music lately. How it defines my life. How much I love it. How my favorite songs define me better than I ever could. I have a soundtrack to everything. At dinner tonight with Savannah and Wifey we were talking about the awful early 90s music they were playing and Savannah and I could pinpoint it to specific events in our childhood. Music drives people like us. My memories all have playlists. Even my friends have playlists.

I could go on about that for hours. I don’t want to bore you to death with why it’s so important to me, but I will say this. Any man who ever wants to be a serious part of my life has to understand my love of music. Not just know that I like it, but understand how it defines me and how I use it. Banky hates Lucero. It bugs me, sure, but it’s ok. As long as he gets what they mean to me. I knew a guy in college who said to me once “Girls don’t have the mental capacity to like music, they just like the dudes in the bands”. It took everything I had not to knock his teeth down his throat. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Brave with strangers

26 05 2009

Before I get into anything serious (ie – The Banky Chronicles) I have to talk about something way more important.

Jon Snodgrass – Visitor’s Band. That album is AMAZING. Thank you to my darling Ruby Soho for getting it for me for my birthday. It’s a lot of polished versions of songs from Live at the High Dive, one of my favorite live albums ever. I’ve been on a big Drag The River kick lately, so Jon’s album feeds right into that. I also have been listening to Ben Nichols’ solo album a lot lately. Driving home this morning, Tennessee was in my CD player. I let it go. The difference in Ben’s voice from the early Lucero albums to now is unbelievable. I want to shake him and be like, “Hey…I love you. Please lay off the whiskey and marlboro reds before there is nothing left.” Banky says he sounds like he gargles with lava. I love that voice, but he’s going to lose it, or his liver if he doesn’t slow down.

Enough ranting about music. On to the good stuff. I got not one, but two presents from down south. I joked before he left I wanted an alligator. I got one. Well, part of one. Anyone who has ever spent any time in that part of the country, especially Louisiana, has seen the alligator heads in the tourist shops. I own one now. It is both awesome and terrifying. I chased the cat around with it earlier. She is not a fan.

He told me he would bring me an armadillo as well. Well. I got one. Sort of. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

terrible/perfect

30 04 2009

There’s no easy way to do this. So I’m just going to go into it. This is probably going to be ridiculously long but I don’t really want to break it up. Everything is related. Everything is terrible. Everything is perfect. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be

19 04 2009

I have been too exhausted to keep up with this lately. It’s not an excuse, just an explanation. Life has been kicking my ass. I am lying here right now, still un-showered, with a horrible headache. All I can think is “I’d better update that damn blog or I’m going to lose the three people that read it!” Pathetic.

I was going to tell some funny MFEO stories, but if you don’t know her, I don’t know that they’re as funny. Plus, I forgot the second one already. I think I’m having sympathy pregnant brain. Or maybe it’s all the alcohol catching up to me.

Friday I went out with a very old friend that, for very complicated reasons, I haven’t seen in nearly two years. Pope B. I met him through Wifey about four years ago. We were drinking buddies. We would go out and the three of us would have these epic nights out. I won’t go into it, but back then life was good. And hilarious. We reminisced a lot. I’ve really missed him and he looks great. We caught up and talked about old friends. It was a really good night out. Read the rest of this entry »


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Everyone says this is it. This isn’t it.

16 04 2009

I am tired, ya’ll. I’m really going to phone it in, which is a shame as I have several HILARIOUS MFEO stories to share with you. I just can’t. I have to be at work at 8:15 for a press check tomorrow. I usually don’t get there until nearly 9:30. I’m not a morning person.

I haven’t been able to sleep at all this week. Not quite sure why. I think it has to do, in part, with my crazy weekend. One late night will throw my entire week off. I’ve also had a lot on my mind. I had to rant and rave at Martha today just to get it all out. We have decided we need to follow the advice we give each other and that we’re crazy.

I’ve been thinking about Douche a lot and honestly, I miss him. No one else will ever be him. That’s a good and bad thing. I miss the person he was and what we had…before he fucked it all up. Most of the time I’m totally fine and I don’t care, but when a lot of things happen like they are right now I get…jealous? I had a plan. I had my entire life with him. It’s gone. I’m alone (still willingly…I think) and I am watching all my friends have kids and it hurts a little. That was supposed to be me. I wanted all of our kids to grow up together. There’s a lesson here. Don’t ever plan shit. Just live each day sun up to sun down and be grateful for the small victories. I didn’t stab anyone today. Success!

In something else that’s irritating me news, Banky and Big Red broke up. I guess she got fed up with his bullshit and walked out on him again. Surprise, surprise. Savannah and I had a bet. I found out on…Tuesday? I asked her how long she thought until I heard from him. I put my money on Friday, she put hers on Thursday. We both lost. He texted me last night whining about how I’m never on facebook chat anymore. Hi, it’s called I’m avoiding you, jerkface. I asked him if there was anything he needed to talk about. “Nope, just bored.” Not my problem.

I’ve had such a roller coaster day. I had a nice lunch in the sunshine and that helped pull me out of my homicidal mood. Somedays I just can’t deal with that place. I did get my review though today. I was terrified. I show up late, leave early, ignore the dress code…I am a model employee. Ha. I got an awesome review. Kudos, me. I will reward myself by going to sleep right now and dreaming about one week from tonight. I will be arm in arm with Woodership Down singing Lucero songs at the top of my lungs. Sweet dreams, indeed.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

FML

27 03 2009

I was halfway through this entry and wordpress ate it. FML.

Not approved for a loan because I owe too many people money. FML.

Could get a loan with a cosigner, but lose all first time buyer programs. FML.

Had a last minute project dumped in my lap yesterday. FML.

Finished it only to have it drastically change at 5:40pm after I had sent everything off to press. FML.

Hurry up to do all changes. Project is cancelled as I’m finishing them. FML.

I spilled strawberry juice on my white hoodie. FML.

I did a Career Builder search for graphic designers in Tampa. All that came up was the ARMY. FML.

I found a mystery $70 charge on my debit card today. FML.

I am done. I am sick of being responsible for everyone and everything. I am sorry, Hobnobs. I don’t think I can help you anymore. I am not your girlfriend, I am not your wife and I don’t think I want to be your roommate anymore. Sure it was a fun idea when I thought you would help me get a house, but now that that plan is out the window…you kind of bore me and annoy me. Talking to you is a chore now and not fun like it used to be. I don’t want to rent somewhere and throw my money away. Money that could get my stupid ass out of debt so that I can get a house. I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m not going to for now. I should soon, or else I will majorly fuck you over. Not my intention, but you’re becoming a liability. You have to go.

I haven’t talked to Banky in a few days. I am thinking about calling him tomorrow and making him go to that show with me. The BNB ignored my question about whether or not he’s going. I think they’re all crashing at  his place is what he told me a few months ago. One would assume he’d be going. I guess he’s ignoring me. Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything right now except going home and closing my eyes and putting Tennessee on repeat. I think I may shed some tears, ya’ll.

I am going to allow myself tonight to be all weepy and shit. Tomorrow I will get up and be productive. I will organize all of my shit and start purging. I will clean and it will feel good. Then I will go see that show. Even if it’s alone. Live music always cheers me up. I may even splurge and go buy myself some whiskey. I drank all mine on St. Patrick’s day. Tis a sin not to have Jameson in my house. Well, home. I CAN’T HAVE A HOUSE. I want to be petty and blame it all on Douche McGee. I should sue his ass for alimony.

I’ll miss you when I’m lonely, I’ll miss the alimony too.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Not anything in particular. Things that bother me though. I can hear his voice so clear in my head, but I can’t for the life of me remember what his laugh sounds like. That’s sad. We laughed all the time. Why can’t I remember it? I remember the way his eyes crinkled…but I can’t hear it. I’m still pretty pissed off at him over that last email. I’m more proud of myself for not replying. I know I can do it. I can forget him eventually. I’m already forgetting the good, I just need to let the bad go.

So, some of you may be wondering why I’m looking for jobs in Tampa. That’s out of left field, right? Well…yes and no. How serious am I about it? I’m curious. Let’s say that. April holds the answers to a lot of questions. For once, I’m not afraid of the answers. I’m even hopeful. I just need to kick this Banky habit. Is that going to stop me from asking him to go Saturday? Probably not. I like to be an asshole to myself too. I need to know that I can be around him and go home alone.

I’ll admit I was unfaithful. From now on I’ll be more faithful.

I’m thisclose to putting myself back on probation. A life of celibacy and no men is no fun. But it is simple. Very simple. That “date” the other night…I cancelled on Tuesday and thought I got stood up on Wednesday. Turned out I was the one who was doing the standing up. I was supposed to text or call. Well…it was ANTM night. And when I get texts about how much you enjoy my company and a beer is a small price to pay for time with me…it scares me. I don’t think you’re ready for me yet. I can’t give you anything. I’m not sure I can give anyone, anything right now.

Well, I feel better now. It’s all out. I’ve said it. Now I have to find the courage to say it to the people I need to. FML.

UPDATE: At 4:30…on a Friday…my boss tells me she needs to speak to me. My boss is satan in Barbie’s clothes. I am worried. It is a last minute project. One that has to be completed and in Tampa on Monday. I am waiting on her piece. Mine has been done for 30 minutes. Why can’t I be in Tampa on Monday? FML.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Stop this madness

21 03 2009

This has been a long time coming. I finally decided it was time to tell my story. I have changed all names to protect those involved. I wouldn’t call most of them innocent. You can meet them on the “characters” page.

I have been writing consistently since my freshman year of college, some of that may show up here. I change my mind a lot, so who knows what this space will hold. I’m not making a huge effort to be anonymous here, but I don’t want to piss anyone off either. I just need to say a lot of things to a lot of people.

One of my favorite pastimes is writing letters to people and then not sending them. I either post them in my private journal or I just delete them. The thing is, I don’t write for anyone. I write because it is a compulsion. It helps me think clearer, organize my thoughts and say the things I long to say in real life. That being said, I am sort of sensitive. I write for me, my benefit. Not you. If you disagree with something I’ve said, please have an adult conversation with me about it. I’m too old to fight about the mundane, I got all that out years ago. I’m not sure what I expect to get out of this. If people read it and like it, great. If someone reads this and thinks, “Oh. My. God. I know exactly what she means!” I will be thrilled. If people hate it, eh. Fuck ‘em.

So, this is probably a really shitty introduction to a blog. Do you need an introduction or do you just start writing? It’s my blog. I will do whatever I want with it. So this is it. I’ll give you a quick intro to me I guess.

Currently I am ashamed of myself for sitting and watching almost all of Uptown Girls today. (I missed the beginning.) Why did a girl who publicly loathes chick flicks watch this? Because I recognized the guy and it was bugging me that I couldn’t place him. It took 45 minutes to realize it was Chase from House. By then I was sucked in. Also, why are “rock stars” in movies like that always so effing lame? That song was painful. Speaking of…

I will force my musical preferences on you. I don’t actually expect you to like any of it, but I will tell you this. I have the best taste in music of anyone I know. There are a few people that I share most of my tastes with, The BNB and I are nearly IDENTICAL. But there’s no need to go there just yet. Music is the way to this girl’s heart. Today I have been listening to Neko Case – Middle Cyclone on repeat. I have loved Neko Case for years. South Tacoma Way is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. When I listened to the title track to Middle Cyclone today I had one of my narcissistic music moments.

I am convinced, somehow, that these musicians I love write songs about/for me. The first time I listened to Lucero – Tennessee I was convinced Ben Nichols wrote that album about my heartbreak. No one else could possibly have felt that way before I had, so he must have been privy to my soul. See? I am an asshole. I connect to music better than I do most people. I’m sort of awkward. My brain works at about half the speed of my mouth. This does not work out in my favor most times. Oh well, you’ll have that.

I plan on spending the rest of my Saturday evening going through my life and boxing things up. I’m in purge mode. I need to start over. Hobnobs is supposed to be the change I need. I’m still nervous as hell. I can’t decide if I’m in love with Banky or not and there are still cracks in my foundation from Douche McGee. I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time. I do love an adventure.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Next Entries »


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.