But I was glad to see the look on your face, anyway

6 09 2011

I’ve been meaning to sit down and write for about two weeks now. I’ve had several sketches/conversations in my head of things that I’ve been thinking about like…why does Fall get two names? And who is seriously pretentious enough to call it Autumn? Holy fuck, it’s nearly Autumn.

I’ve had a cramazing summer. Crazy + amazing. I just made that shit up. BOOM. I’ve been to NYC, Miami, ATL, Michigan…and it’s not slowing down. I head back to NYC at the end of the month for a full week. I’m both excited and nervous. And I definitely need new shoes.

Work has been totally insane, but awesome. I can honestly say I love my job. I can’t always say I love the people, but I love what I do. I’ve had so many amazing opportunities given to me this year and I am being challenged and forced to really stretch and prove myself. It’s what I needed all along. I still complain, because that’s kind of my shtick, but don’t believe me. I am 29 years old and I have a career. It’s terrifying, and fulfilling all at once.

The boyfriend is good. No. Not good. Great. So great. We’re doing the cohabitation thing on a more official basis and some days it’s hard. It’s always hard to live with another person, no matter who they are, but I think we’re really doing well with it. My father is starting to come out in me and my OCD “everything in it’s place” personality is starting to shine. But, my depth of patience is so much deeper with him. I can’t stand to sleep alone anymore. I do miss my cat, though. Like whoa. But I’m thoroughly convinced someday he’ll get a handle on his allergies and I’ll be able to snuggle my kitten at night, too.

I’ve been a bad friend and a bad blogger this summer. It’s not for any other reason than I just haven’t had the time. I owe many people phone calls and visits. Soon. I promise.

We started remodeling our bathroom. This man truly loves me. He just let me loose in Home Depot, Lowes and Bed, Bath and Beyond with minimal sighs and only one argument regarding a shower curtain. We finally got the two layer of wallpaper, with paint in the middle of that fuckery sandwich, down and as soon as the walls dry out a bit, bless you wallpaper steamer, we will prime, sand and paint. If IKEA ever gets their shit together, we’ll get new “furniture” and hook up a new light and have a beautiful new bathroom. I’m hoping by Christmas.

You only think I’m kidding.

I did Riverfest this year even though I said I wasn’t going to. I am so glad I did. It was the first year it rained during the fireworks. I stood there looking up into the sky, rain kissing my face, Manfred at my side, giant goofy grin on my face. It was amazing. Thanks to Wifey for the hookup on location this year. No crowds, food and booze. Perfection.

I have no new music recommendations for you. I haven’t listened to much music at all lately. It’s awful. I did buy the Muppet album and it’s fantastic. This morning with the cool, grey weather I felt like Wussy – Funeral Dress II was appropriate. I forgot that half that album makes me cry. DO NOT TELL MANFRED. He can’t know how much I like that album, then he’ll make me listen to more of his music. ;)

Ok. So this was your update. Recap: Things are crazy busy and crazy awesome and someday I will get this thing up and running for reals. I have so many project ideas, that’s my other alphabet disorder shining through, but fuck me…I need more hours in a day.

 


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

And it goes on and on and on

23 06 2011

Why aren’t we all over that “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes” song yet? Or the Black Eyed Peas? This is the shit that keeps me up at night.

HI!

When we left off, I was on the eve of my 29th birthday. It is now exactly one month later. How is it? Meh.

My actual birthday was terrible. It stormed and tornadoed and we lost power and I sat in my basement for most of the night in the dark. BUT, when it subsided a bit, I sat in my car so I could listen to the Reds game and Manfred came over with cold Dewey’s and Yuengling. All was not lost. I am far enough away from it now that I can kind of laugh it off, but the few days after I was PISSED. How DARE mother nature shit all over the day of my birth?! The last one in my 20s no less?! But, it is what it is. I still got to spend time with my fam and my man so that’s what’s really important, right?

Since then I have been doing the same old shit. I FINALLY hired a PT designer as my “assistant” and she’s great. Work is about to go balls to the wall, but I’m excited for all the new opportunities. And to have some back up.

I’ve spent more time at GABP than anywhere else this summer. Last night I saw my Reds beat the crap out of the Yankees and I promised my ovaries that this man would someday fertilize their contents. (Poetic, I know.)

Chris Heisey, you BAMF.

I have continued to ignore my responsibilities as a gardner, my flower bed/yard are a sight, but when it’s not raining it’s approximately 80 billion degrees, so…I know. I know.

I am going to Miami for work at the end of next month and I’m tacking a weekend on to see Savannah. I miss her like WHOA. So hopefully we get a good beach day in, but regardless, we’ll have an awesome time.

I heard some interesting gossip that I would LOVE to share here, but alas, I cannot. I can and will say one thing though…

I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO, DICKWEED.

It feels SO GOOD to be right. But I digress. There will be more on this topic in coming months, I feel.

What else? Whaaaaat else…

I am insanely happy for the first time in forever. I mean, I still have my morose moments, duh…but I feel great. Besides the early TMJ arthritis in my jaw. But that’s not worth going into other than to say 29 has not been kind to my body so far.

I will catch myself letting my mind wander to Manfred when I’m doing mindless things like driving or trying to fall asleep and I get giddy. I think about seeing him and my heart gets all jumpy and I can’t wait to wrap my arms around him. Of course, he makes me absolutely insane sometimes. (dishwasher, motherfucker…DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?!) but it’s all little things, and I just sort of sigh and move on. THIS IS MONUMENTAL FOR ME.

The other day, walking out of work, an image popped into my head of his hands. He has big, strong hands. I thought about what they would look like with a wedding ring on. I couldn’t get to him fast enough. I am in no hurry to slip a ring on my finger, but when the time comes, I can’t imagine it not being him. We balance each other out pretty well, even if we’re both too stubborn for our own good. He FINALLY met Ohio dad AND Space Cowboy. IN THE SAME WEEK. It was intense.

Oh yeah….I SAW MY COWBOY!!! It was only a few hours, but it was fucking amazing. I can’t wait for him to come back and visit again. I missed him so much and seeing him, after a fucking year…I can’t even describe it. I wanted to talk to him for weeks, but I have to save it. There will be more visits soon enough.

I am dragging today. I had to go get some coffee this morning. I was so wound up last night after our win that I couldn’t settle down and sleep until after midnight. I’m old, I can’t do that shit.

I hope you’re all doing awesome and all that shit. It goes without saying, but…love you, fools.

 


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

29.

22 05 2011

So within an hour I will be 29 years old. I have had a thousand and one conversations with Savannah about the futility of giving a fuck about this. The number, the plans and goals. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is at 29 I have managed to surround myself with great friends, an amazing boyfriend and I have had some amazing moments with and without both. I have two sets of parents, and 3 out of 4 are beyond great. I have a good job…relatively speaking. I am in a good place financially…mostly. I have travelled a bit, I have read a lot. I have become an adult when I wasn’t looking. I try to be kind and thoughtful and even compassionate if the mood strikes me, but I suffer no fools. I am well known for my crankiness and my temper. Those who know me best know it’s just my hard candy shell and inside I will melt in your hand.

I smile a lot. So much so that strangers seem to find me friendly. I find this quite odd as I am also known for my perfect bitchface. I perfected it as a toddler.

You can literally hear my approximately three year old self saying, "bitch please".

Now this really doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of this post, but since when have my posts been cohesive or sensical? Bare with me. Bear with me? I don’t want you to be bare with me…but I don’t want you to get mauled by a bear with me, either. Bear it is though. I love you, but I don’t need to see your bits.

Carrying on.

Thursday night. Happy hour. The night was perfect and amazing and so many of my favorite (mostly work) people were there. But it was not without the usual l&c complications. Try as I may, leaving work at 4:30 was not happening. So I am sprinting to my car at 5:03 to try and make it from Suburbia to Downtown in rush hour. Kill me. MFEO calls me as I get in my car. I turn to look to see if I can back out, and some dude motions for me to rill my window down. This is where some of the above will make sense as a segue. I do and he asks me for directions. I give them to him. He then proceeds to try and start a conversation with me even though a – I am clearly on the phone and b – I am clearly exasperated as I am LATE…cardinal sin #1 in my book.

Dude: Hey, what dept do you work in?

Me: The awesome one* (I actually said the name of my dept)

Dude: Cool, do you like it?

Me: Um, yeah. It’s great. (Making the raised eyebrow face now that means you are annoying me. Stop.)

Dude: How long have you worked here?

Me: Seven years. (internal monologue: OMGSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!! MFEO on the phone: OMGHELLO!! I AM ON THE PHOOOONE!!)

Dude: Can I call you sometime?

Me: *dumbfounded* No. *rolls up window*

Ok, so I felt kind of like an asshole, but I also assumed the dude was playing 20 Questions because he was looking for a job at my company. Apparently I am THE ONLY ONE who thought THAT was a logical explanation. Everyone else is all “you got hit on in the parking lot!?” Either way, only I could have this happen. And seriously, WHO DOES THAT?

An even bigger, WHO DOES THAT goes to the dude I encountered after happy hour. I stayed out way past my bedtime. I was already cranky and I HATE parking garages. The one under Fountain Square requires you to pat at a kiosk before you leave the garage. So of course I get stuck behind the Hoosier who has no idea how this works. I see Napoleon Dynamite Jr stick his head out of his car and look back after struggling with the ticket reader for a few minutes. I give him the stink eye. He looks again and gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. My window is already down. Damnit.

ND: Do you have a credit card I can borrow?

Me: NO! (Seriously…what?)

ND: I didn’t know you had to pay before you left. I’m not a city dweller.

Me: Yep. You pay up on the Square.

ND: How do I get my ticket back?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t work here. (And I did it right, jackass.)

ND: I don’t know what to do.

Me: There’s a number on the sign, why don’t you call that? Oh look, here comes someone. Go ask him.

I then pulled into the other lane and was out lickety split because I am not a Hoosier and I can follow directions.

I had dinner on Friday with my oldest friend, Ms. Miami. She and Manfred proceed to explain to me how I’m kind of mean. And pretty much an asshole. I met her boyfriend when I was in Florida and he thought I was mean and Kitty was nice. I don’t know how that is even possible, but maybe I need to work on my personality. I mean, I know I’m an asshole. I have been from day one. But it’s mostly born out of stubbornness. Para example: The other night Martha and I did a painting class thing with her sister and mom. You go have drinks and paint a canvas while being offered some light instruction. Everyone is supposed to paint the same thing. HOWEVER. 1. The website said you could paint anything you wanted that was on the wall that inspired you. 2. The painting was SO UGLY.

Would you hang that in your house? That's what I thought.

I was not about to pay $35 to paint…that. So I picked a painting off the wall and did that instead. Martha strayed too, but she kept the same subject matter. So I was the lone dickhead in my class who didn’t paint “funky vase”. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. As a consolation, my painting is somewhat wonky. I need to practice more. I lost the little talent I had built up.

My art-tastrophe is on the left.

So there’s that. But I think about it, and my personality has gotten me where I am in life. And yes, that may be Ohio, but it’s also gotten me some great stories and made me some priceless friends. So while I may have been perfecting the art of assholery for the past 29 years…I think it works for me. So, happy birthday you asshole. Here’s to another year of awesome.


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Learning curve

28 04 2011

Lately I have had no passion for anything. I mean shit, I haven’t even been doing my makeup really. All neutrals, all the time. I don’t write. I don’t art. I don’t create. I’m bored and uninspired. I confessed all of this, and more, to Manfred last night. He was amazing. He listened. He told me I don’t give my self enough credit in any part of my life. He made me feel comfortable and the word vomit flowed freely until nearly 1:00 am. And then he sent me this today, and besides him saying he loved me even in a world where the sun hasn’t come out in two years and there are spiders and we don’t have window seats…this is one of the most amazing gifts he’s ever given me. He’s difficult sometimes, but this is just more reassurance that he’s so worth it.


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Sunburns and dirt under my nails

10 04 2011

I was not prepared for most of this weekend.

Friday there was a happy hour for Savannah through work. I am not ready for her to leave me. I can’t even begin to count the ways I will miss her. We went out to dinner with Manfred after happy hour and drank beers and laughed. There are so many things that are unspoken between us. Looks and inside jokes. She’s seriously going to miss me. No one in Florida is as funny as I am. But, as she said, we will have Skype and such. And tickets to Ft Lauderdale aren’t THAT expensive. Ok, we have to be done with this topic or I’ll have those emotion things.

Ahem. Ok.

Saturday was supposed to be warm, but stormy. We got one of those. Hint: It wasn’t warm. We had awful storms all morning. I dragged mine and Manfred’s asses out of bed and we ran errands. I wanted to buy plants, but we were in the wrong car. Still haven’t purchased raised beds. I NEED TO PLANT THINGS. We ended up crashing early which meant I was up fairly early today.

Today was GORGEOUS! And HOT. I am sunburned. We ran more errands and this time bought plants and I came home and played in the dirt while he reseeded the bare spots in the yard. We’re so suburban. It was really nice though. I hope I develop the patience for gardening. Right now…I just want to put things in the ground. It’s still early. We moved all our indoor plants outside and I potted a hanging basket and two pots with snapdragons, marigolds, dianthis, bell flowers and something pride of thrifty blah blah blah. I put some lilies and phlox in the wall bed as well. The daffodils and hyacinths finally came up and I am so excited and proud of my little flower bed.

We also spent some time with me behind the wheel of the del Sol this weekend. Yesterday I couldn’t shift well but my take offs were great. Today I forgot how to take off but I was shifting like a fucking pro. Considering I can drive it with little to no instruction and I only really have trouble with hills, I’m proud of me. I’ve only driven a stick a handful of times and I am pretty confident that I could do it alone. Yay, me! I’ll get there soon.

I should be sleeping, but I forgot how uncomfortable sunburns can be. I slathered some aloe on, let’s hope it works its magic overnight.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Best Week Ever – In Retrospect

4 04 2011

Last Monday I woke up in a good mood. I started my period but I felt awesome. I felt pretty and confident and skinny. I was in a good mood all day. I think something awesome happened, but I’ve lost track. The old memory’s not what it used to be, kids.

Tuesday I had my review at work. I wasn’t nervous and it turns out I had no reason to be even if I had been. I got a kick ass review and was reminded that, when I put my mind to it, I can be awesome. And other people notice. That felt really good. I exceed expectations, ya’ll. And I’m now a manager. I am going to be responsible for another person. Yikes!

Wednesday was my last day of work of the week. I was giddy at this point. I left work and ran to get my hair done before meeting up with my rockstar boyfriend, Mr Cory Branan. It wasn’t his best show. He didn’t play my song, but he did play Miss Ferguson. The crowd was awful, this city is awful. I was waiting for him at the merch table and we chatted and he convinced me to stay for…are you ready for this…Dashboard Confessional.

So here’s my dashboard confession, when I was 18/19 I discovered Dashboard via Napster. I’m aging myself again. These were the days before YouTube and Google and iTunes. Yes, an era without those things existed. So we had Napster and it was awesome. Especially in the dorms. You could browse everyone else’s libraries…oh man. Those were the days. Sidetrack: I watched The Social Network this weekend and Sean Parker is a huge dick. Anyway, so I was 18/19 in college and in a long distance relationship and Dashboard spoke to my soul. What little of it had developed at that point…and I was a huge fan. This was before anything but Swiss Army Romance existed. I was there first. But I never managed to see him live. Mostly because the ex hated him and he always sold out like whoa.

Well, I was feeling like a boss because I was ON THE LIST, so I figured I’d stick around for a bit. That motherfucker sang straight through Swiss Army Romance (it’s the 10 year anniversary…OLD) in its entirety and I sang along with every word. It felt good. I can’t lie. I tried to talk Cory into coming back for a better show with Jon and Chad of DTR…BNB texted me at 1:30 this morning to tell me that he just watched Jon sing Thin Lizzy. Jerk. Jon Snodgrass, Cinci loves you…and by Cinci I mean me…COME HERE.

After the show I went to Manfred’s to prepare for the whole reason I took half the week off…

OPENING DAY!

It was FREEZING, and the game did NOT get off to a good start. But we sat through all nine innings and we were rewarded for our suffering with a walkoff homer and our first win. The day was great. We had breakfast across the river, a few beers and then caught the trolley back across the river and watched the parade before I begged for hot chocolate. We walked through the city back to the stadium and snuggled close and cheered our boys to victory. We walked across the bridge back to Kentucky, and I didn’t hyperventilate. Progress! It was an exhausting but awesome day.

Friday brought some mild laziness peppered with furniture shopping. We found the couch I want, now to convince the Manfred it’s the right choice. The matching recliner is the most amazing thing I’ve ever put my ass on. I want it. Now.

Saturday I ran errands in the early afternoon before hooking up with A&J and convincing them to join us for the game that night. Manfred and A decided to eat a meat lovers hotdog…something new at GABP this year…it nearly made me vom. Vegan/veg friends, skip to the next paragraph. Ok, so it’s a jumbo hot dog, wrapped in bacon and deep fried, then topped with chili, cheese and fried salami. BARF.

The buffalo fries were totally delicious though, as was my Moerlein OTR. Although for $8.50 I could buy a whole six pack. Robbery! (old)

The Reds pulled off another win and we went home happy again. Sunday brought a trip down to the market for some lunch and grocery shopping. We drove through the city, listening to the game and soaking up the 76 degree weather. Oh sunshine, I missed you. My daffodils are starting to bloom, FINALLY and we’re talking about planting a real garden. Tomatoes and cucumbers and zucchini, oh my! Ya’ll, I cannot WAIT for summer. If this past week was any indication of how great this summer is going to be, color me excited. Hell, even today has been filled with pleasant surprises. Let’s keep it up, 2011.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything

14 03 2011

I have been pretty grumpy as of late. I’m going through a lot, and it’s all self-inflicted. It’s like another quarter life crisis. I still don’t know what I want to be or where I want to be or how I want to be. When…that question blows my mind. I can’t even deal with when.

I gave up on the idea of grad school. Let’s be real honest here, friends. I’m smart enough, but I’m not dedicated enough. I half-assed college because I didn’t care about 75% of my classes. I spare no time or attention for things that don’t interest me. If it doesn’t totally capture me and make me obsessed…meh. I couldn’t care less.

When I was at our big team meeting in Florida, we had this guest speaker. She was asked to speak, I think, because my company is AWFUL about work life balance. Ya’ll have heard me rage about it before. I’ve gotten to a place where things are (mostly) good and balanced. But she talked about making yourself happy and how basically there won’t be balance in any part of your life if you’re not.

This has been gnawing at the back of my mind ever since.

I’m not happy. I don’t want to live in Ohio. I don’t want to be a graphic designer forever. I don’t know if I want to be with Manfred.

The last one is the one that is killing me. Lately I’m not happy with him. He’s changed. I know, he’s been through a lot the past year. But where was I? Did I not go through it too? Did I not hold his hand and silently reassure him? For what? A surly replacement of a man I fell in love with? I don’t think so. He’s incorrigible. I don’t even think he realizes it. He’s mean and he puts me down and I don’t feel like he supports me. I feel like a fat idiot around him. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. And that’s not how it used to be. I don’t want to get stuck here because of him either. He asks my opinion on shit and he talks about “our house” and “our” this and that. We talk about the future and children but…I don’t know that I want that with him anymore.

I’m not saying I don’t love him, or that I’m going to end it. I’m just saying I have a lot of soul searching to do and a lot of questions to answer. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid of starting over. What’s one year compared to eight?

I tried to talk to him this weekend, sort of. He made one shitty comment and eye roll too many and I lost my temper. Not the best way to approach it. He spent the rest of the night giving me the silent treatment. Meanwhile I quietly pretend everything is fine. Oh we’re a fine example of a classic gaelic love affair. Just plod through the misery.

My bright spot in all of this is that Space Cowboy will be home in about three weeks. MY SPACE COWBOY IS COMING HOME! I can’t wait to hear his voice. I’ve been avoiding all my closest friends lately because I don’t want them to hear the sadness in my voice. The defeat. So, nothing personal, lovers. I just don’t know what to say right now. Sometimes saying nothing is easier.

When I opened Space Cowboy’s email this morning, it was like a ray of sunshine. He’ll be home and we’re going to write together and go on trips and have adventures and I know he’ll be different, but I’m different too. We can rediscover each other and ourselves and build and even stronger friendship. He’s the one that I love best.

So that’s what’s up. I’m all full up of emotions and confusion and excitement and sadness. I’m human. I’m going to go to see my mitten clan this weekend and Manfred is going to see his crazy ass Palin loving cousin who lives in the middle of nowhere with his sister. He’s super pissed I’m not going but come on. Does he really expect me to behave for an entire weekend with some Tea Party shopoholic? I can keep my mouth shut around his stupid* Republican friends because it’s in small doses…but that’s just putting a match to a powder keg. Sometimes it’s like he has no idea who I am.

Anyway, I’m going to go back to being quiet now. Everything is fine. Opening day is the day before Space Cowboy comes home. If I can make it until then, I can make it through anything.

*I say stupid and I mean in their retarded uber conservative views. Besides that most of them are quite lovely.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Bloody marys and grilled cheese…because I’m an adult

9 03 2011

I have been thinking about ditchin’ this here blog contraption seeing as I have no desire to write lately. None. I have nothing interesting to say. Things aren’t bad, they’re not good, I’m just puttering along, existing and such.

I went to Florida. It was warm and there was a day at the beach and for a moment everything was okay again. I walked out about a quarter mile into the ocean by myself and just thought. I thought about everything. It was the most relaxed I’ve been in a good two years. It’s the first time I’ve been in the ocean since 2007. Shoot me in the face.

I was in Florida for the j-o-b so it wasn’t all fun and games…but it was mostly. If we hit our stretch sales goal in June/July we’re having the meeting in Maui next February. MAUI. FEBRUARY. MAAAAAUUUUUUUUIIIIIII. So if you know who I work for, and what we sell…go get you some!

Manfred has had a fire lit under his ass and decided to move bedrooms, buy a guest bed and start cleaning out Unc’s shit. I think these are all generally good signs, but he’s also been kind of a dick lately so I’m spending a lot of time away from him so he can work through that aggression without me having to deal with it.

It’s Lent. I actually am making a sacrifice this year. Not some half-assed one, a real one. No dining out. I kept saying eating out, but my 12 year old boy mind kept going gross places and you know…so no dining out.  This means I bought a shit ton of groceries and I am cooking more. Better for the bottomline, better for the waistline.

Speaking of…I’ve been getting up and going to workout in the mornings. You heard me. MORNINGS. 6:00am. Kitty is kicking my ass. I hate it, but I love it. But mostly I hate it. I’m growing to love the challenge and seeing how far I can push my body. At this point…not very. My freaking hammies are SO TIGHT. I thought I ripped one the other morning. Le ouch. I wanted to eat a Girl Scout cookie today. She told me she’d make me do squats and (more) wall sits. Guess who didn’t eat a cookie. Guess who will end up doing squats and wall sits anyway.

I’ve been thinking about my happiness a lot lately. I’ve sacrificed a lot over the past few years. Well, the past year mostly, but I’m starting to see pay off in some areas, but others…I’m disenchanted. I’m bored and I need something new. I tried to tell myself I’d write more, or create. I’ve done nothing of the sort. Clearly. But I think I need something more than to paint or write or make things. I just don’t know what it is yet. I’m prepared to find out though so be prepared for me to be totally selfish for awhile. I barely have enough energy to do what I need to do and I have no desire to deal with anyone else’s needs right now. Sorry. I just need time to figure it out. I’ve been a totally shitty friend lately, so most of you probably won’t even notice.

As usual, I’ve done nothing constructive with this space so I’m going to go watch some Futurama. Viva la Netflix.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

And there’s still a few things that I’m sure of. I love you this hour, this hour today.

31 01 2011

I am not going to apologize anymore when I disappear and stop writing. So. There.

I am in a horrible bout of depression. I lost a very dear friend who I haven’t seen in way too long. I could have made the time, but I didn’t. And now I can’t. That guilt is killing me. I miss him SO MUCH and I can’t even begin to imagine a world without him. Add to that my missing of Space Cowboy, work, Manfred…I’m done. I’m exhausted.

I live a very unhealthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically. I am sick of it. So I am changing things. I bought a new cookbook this weekend and I am very excited to get it. I am not going on a diet, because diets do not work with me. I am just eating more of different foods and less of others. And I am pretty much going vegetarian. Now, don’t look at me like that. I can’t be vegan because greek yogurt/cheese/honey/butter. I can’t be vegetarian because bacon. And chicken still is my main source of protein. But I’m working on it. I tolerate chickpeas and I made some mashed up black beans tonight with mashed up avocado. I will eat damn near anything if there’s avocado on it. But I digress. I am re-joining my gym at work and Kitty and I are going to make time during the day to go work out. I am already there, I may as well.

I also am taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. It’s been hard. Manfred is pretty unpredictable right now. He doesn’t realize when he’s being awful so I forgive him his bouts of meanness. When he does recognize them, he apologizes unprompted. We never can manage to stay mad at each other. I try to not be around much these days, but I crave him. His smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. He is delicious on every sensory level. And really, he’s an amazing human being. His kindness and generosity know no bounds. He remembered that Nola wanted something very special that is very hard to get and when the opportunity presented itself to me to acquire one…he took it upon himself to buy one for me and her. The fact that he is also kind to my friends…swoon. I know another man who is like that as well ladies…he’s available…tall, handsome and sweeter than honey. Mr. J-Bear…I’m talking about you, sir.

I have started to “force” myself to create more. To make time for things like crafting and reading…writing…meh. I don’t feel like I have anything to say right now. It’s all just…blah. I’ll get back to that place, but there’s everything and nothing to say right now. It took me two days to write Space Cowboy back. Have I mentioned I miss him like crazy? Because dear god…every fiber of my being misses him so fucking much. Please come home soon.

I am too lazy to check and see if I already wrote about going to Ft Lauderdale at the end of February. It’s for work, but I will be there Friday-Thursday. Do you know what they have in Ft Lauderdale? MOTHERFUCKING SUNSHINE. And it will be over 32 degrees, so yay!

We’re on the cusp of a supposedly terrible ice storm. I can’t even deal anymore. I consider every single flake of snow a personal affront at this point. I am offended by the amount of snow we’ve received this year. However…it will make recreating a special day much easier.

One year ago, this coming Sunday, Manfred and I got snowed in, drunk and watched Lebowski. Then we did it. A lot. So we’ve decided this should be our anniversary date. Mostly because we never really picked one. I mean, the “facebook official” date is probably later in the month, but meh. Who are we kidding? The second we kissed for the first time it was all over. I fought so hard, but he totally owns me, heart and soul. That asshole.

So yes. One year. What a fucking year. We’ve made it through SO MUCH together and I think we’re both glad to have come out on the other side of it intact. What doesn’t kill you, right?

In other news, I am freezing my balls off over here, so I’ma go get warmed up and maybe read my book for a bit.


Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Broken resolutions. Already.

5 01 2011

I haven’t felt up to writing anything lately because, duh, My insomnia convinced me to try and hammer something out and I see this on my dashboard: “WordPress.com announcement: Challenge for 2011: Want to blog more often?“

Fuck you, wordpress. I AM TRYING.

My grandmother went back in the hospital yesterday in the midst of the craziness that was my mitten family being in town. They pulled the crash cart out when she got there, by ambulance, because she was in v-tach. She had a heart rate of over 205 beats per minute. Terrifying.

They stabilized her pretty quickly and shuffled her off to ICU where she is enjoying another few days at the hospital.

My only resolution for 2011 was to make it a hospital free year. Thanks, Gran.

My melodramatic aunt and cousin came in from Chicago tonight, and the mittens left this morning. I spent as much of today alone as possible. I have to go back to work in about 8 hours. Awesome. Another week of my pain in the ass family.

Friday night I am going out with my lady friends to see Girl Talk. I am going to shake my ass like nobody’s business. It shall be a good time. Or else. I’ll cut it. Seriously. Manfred got me the cutest little knife for Christmas and my stabby hand is getting itchy. I also would like to go shoot again soon. Nothing like unloading a .45 to let off some steam.

I am so very tired, so maybe my body will let me sleep. It’s very cold. I need the kitten to come snuggle me since I’m not with the Manfred right now. We spent an hour in Petsmart tonight arguing over collars for the dogs and how to abbreviate Cincinnati. IT IS NOT CINCY. THERE IS NO Y IN CINCINNATI. The end. Shut up. I WIN.

Then I met a GIANT orange kitty that looked like my beloved Bubba Kitty (may his eternal soul rest in peace) and he had the same name as Manfred. I begged but oooh someone has “allergies” and “four dogs” so it wasn’t a “good idea”. Whatever. He needs to get over those allergies. I have had a cat in my bed since the day I came home from Bay Med. I NEED MY KITTY, GODDAMNIT.

But a boyfriend’s snores are almost like purrs, right? *eye roll*

I’m starting to get warm, that means my body is going to sleep. Thank god. I’ll be back to shout incoherently at you all soon.

PS – Everyone send good energy and congratulations to Guam and Mrs Guam for bringing home baby G from the NICU today. SO EXCITED! Love you all. The Guams. And you. I guess. WHO IS LETTING ME CONTINUE THIS??


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

« Previous Entries


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.