Bloody marys and grilled cheese…because I’m an adult

9 03 2011

I have been thinking about ditchin’ this here blog contraption seeing as I have no desire to write lately. None. I have nothing interesting to say. Things aren’t bad, they’re not good, I’m just puttering along, existing and such.

I went to Florida. It was warm and there was a day at the beach and for a moment everything was okay again. I walked out about a quarter mile into the ocean by myself and just thought. I thought about everything. It was the most relaxed I’ve been in a good two years. It’s the first time I’ve been in the ocean since 2007. Shoot me in the face.

I was in Florida for the j-o-b so it wasn’t all fun and games…but it was mostly. If we hit our stretch sales goal in June/July we’re having the meeting in Maui next February. MAUI. FEBRUARY. MAAAAAUUUUUUUUIIIIIII. So if you know who I work for, and what we sell…go get you some!

Manfred has had a fire lit under his ass and decided to move bedrooms, buy a guest bed and start cleaning out Unc’s shit. I think these are all generally good signs, but he’s also been kind of a dick lately so I’m spending a lot of time away from him so he can work through that aggression without me having to deal with it.

It’s Lent. I actually am making a sacrifice this year. Not some half-assed one, a real one. No dining out. I kept saying eating out, but my 12 year old boy mind kept going gross places and you know…so no dining out.  This means I bought a shit ton of groceries and I am cooking more. Better for the bottomline, better for the waistline.

Speaking of…I’ve been getting up and going to workout in the mornings. You heard me. MORNINGS. 6:00am. Kitty is kicking my ass. I hate it, but I love it. But mostly I hate it. I’m growing to love the challenge and seeing how far I can push my body. At this point…not very. My freaking hammies are SO TIGHT. I thought I ripped one the other morning. Le ouch. I wanted to eat a Girl Scout cookie today. She told me she’d make me do squats and (more) wall sits. Guess who didn’t eat a cookie. Guess who will end up doing squats and wall sits anyway.

I’ve been thinking about my happiness a lot lately. I’ve sacrificed a lot over the past few years. Well, the past year mostly, but I’m starting to see pay off in some areas, but others…I’m disenchanted. I’m bored and I need something new. I tried to tell myself I’d write more, or create. I’ve done nothing of the sort. Clearly. But I think I need something more than to paint or write or make things. I just don’t know what it is yet. I’m prepared to find out though so be prepared for me to be totally selfish for awhile. I barely have enough energy to do what I need to do and I have no desire to deal with anyone else’s needs right now. Sorry. I just need time to figure it out. I’ve been a totally shitty friend lately, so most of you probably won’t even notice.

As usual, I’ve done nothing constructive with this space so I’m going to go watch some Futurama. Viva la Netflix.


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And there’s still a few things that I’m sure of. I love you this hour, this hour today.

31 01 2011

I am not going to apologize anymore when I disappear and stop writing. So. There.

I am in a horrible bout of depression. I lost a very dear friend who I haven’t seen in way too long. I could have made the time, but I didn’t. And now I can’t. That guilt is killing me. I miss him SO MUCH and I can’t even begin to imagine a world without him. Add to that my missing of Space Cowboy, work, Manfred…I’m done. I’m exhausted.

I live a very unhealthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically. I am sick of it. So I am changing things. I bought a new cookbook this weekend and I am very excited to get it. I am not going on a diet, because diets do not work with me. I am just eating more of different foods and less of others. And I am pretty much going vegetarian. Now, don’t look at me like that. I can’t be vegan because greek yogurt/cheese/honey/butter. I can’t be vegetarian because bacon. And chicken still is my main source of protein. But I’m working on it. I tolerate chickpeas and I made some mashed up black beans tonight with mashed up avocado. I will eat damn near anything if there’s avocado on it. But I digress. I am re-joining my gym at work and Kitty and I are going to make time during the day to go work out. I am already there, I may as well.

I also am taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. It’s been hard. Manfred is pretty unpredictable right now. He doesn’t realize when he’s being awful so I forgive him his bouts of meanness. When he does recognize them, he apologizes unprompted. We never can manage to stay mad at each other. I try to not be around much these days, but I crave him. His smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. He is delicious on every sensory level. And really, he’s an amazing human being. His kindness and generosity know no bounds. He remembered that Nola wanted something very special that is very hard to get and when the opportunity presented itself to me to acquire one…he took it upon himself to buy one for me and her. The fact that he is also kind to my friends…swoon. I know another man who is like that as well ladies…he’s available…tall, handsome and sweeter than honey. Mr. J-Bear…I’m talking about you, sir.

I have started to “force” myself to create more. To make time for things like crafting and reading…writing…meh. I don’t feel like I have anything to say right now. It’s all just…blah. I’ll get back to that place, but there’s everything and nothing to say right now. It took me two days to write Space Cowboy back. Have I mentioned I miss him like crazy? Because dear god…every fiber of my being misses him so fucking much. Please come home soon.

I am too lazy to check and see if I already wrote about going to Ft Lauderdale at the end of February. It’s for work, but I will be there Friday-Thursday. Do you know what they have in Ft Lauderdale? MOTHERFUCKING SUNSHINE. And it will be over 32 degrees, so yay!

We’re on the cusp of a supposedly terrible ice storm. I can’t even deal anymore. I consider every single flake of snow a personal affront at this point. I am offended by the amount of snow we’ve received this year. However…it will make recreating a special day much easier.

One year ago, this coming Sunday, Manfred and I got snowed in, drunk and watched Lebowski. Then we did it. A lot. So we’ve decided this should be our anniversary date. Mostly because we never really picked one. I mean, the “facebook official” date is probably later in the month, but meh. Who are we kidding? The second we kissed for the first time it was all over. I fought so hard, but he totally owns me, heart and soul. That asshole.

So yes. One year. What a fucking year. We’ve made it through SO MUCH together and I think we’re both glad to have come out on the other side of it intact. What doesn’t kill you, right?

In other news, I am freezing my balls off over here, so I’ma go get warmed up and maybe read my book for a bit.


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Broken resolutions. Already.

5 01 2011

I haven’t felt up to writing anything lately because, duh, My insomnia convinced me to try and hammer something out and I see this on my dashboard: “WordPress.com announcement: Challenge for 2011: Want to blog more often?“

Fuck you, wordpress. I AM TRYING.

My grandmother went back in the hospital yesterday in the midst of the craziness that was my mitten family being in town. They pulled the crash cart out when she got there, by ambulance, because she was in v-tach. She had a heart rate of over 205 beats per minute. Terrifying.

They stabilized her pretty quickly and shuffled her off to ICU where she is enjoying another few days at the hospital.

My only resolution for 2011 was to make it a hospital free year. Thanks, Gran.

My melodramatic aunt and cousin came in from Chicago tonight, and the mittens left this morning. I spent as much of today alone as possible. I have to go back to work in about 8 hours. Awesome. Another week of my pain in the ass family.

Friday night I am going out with my lady friends to see Girl Talk. I am going to shake my ass like nobody’s business. It shall be a good time. Or else. I’ll cut it. Seriously. Manfred got me the cutest little knife for Christmas and my stabby hand is getting itchy. I also would like to go shoot again soon. Nothing like unloading a .45 to let off some steam.

I am so very tired, so maybe my body will let me sleep. It’s very cold. I need the kitten to come snuggle me since I’m not with the Manfred right now. We spent an hour in Petsmart tonight arguing over collars for the dogs and how to abbreviate Cincinnati. IT IS NOT CINCY. THERE IS NO Y IN CINCINNATI. The end. Shut up. I WIN.

Then I met a GIANT orange kitty that looked like my beloved Bubba Kitty (may his eternal soul rest in peace) and he had the same name as Manfred. I begged but oooh someone has “allergies” and “four dogs” so it wasn’t a “good idea”. Whatever. He needs to get over those allergies. I have had a cat in my bed since the day I came home from Bay Med. I NEED MY KITTY, GODDAMNIT.

But a boyfriend’s snores are almost like purrs, right? *eye roll*

I’m starting to get warm, that means my body is going to sleep. Thank god. I’ll be back to shout incoherently at you all soon.

PS – Everyone send good energy and congratulations to Guam and Mrs Guam for bringing home baby G from the NICU today. SO EXCITED! Love you all. The Guams. And you. I guess. WHO IS LETTING ME CONTINUE THIS??


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So it goes

1 01 2011

I hate to come back from a hiatus like this, but here goes.

Mama went home last week.

She fought so hard until the bitter end, but she went peacefully with her two children by her side.

It’s been really hard the past few days, but I have to say we are both blessed with some wonderful friends. To everyone who has reached out with a kind word, or offered to cook for us or just asked how we were doing, thank you.

To Nola, who drove 13 hours to be with us at the memorial service…you are a crazy bitch and you are beyond my best friend. You are another sister. I love you.

If anyone really wants to do something for us, please come bathe the dogs. They stink. Seriously.

I am doing fine. Honestly. I am relieved and I am happy to know that she’s walking down Hallelujah Boulevard hand in hand with her soulmate, Manfred’s daddy. I am sad I didn’t get more time with her, or time with her where she was well, but I really enjoyed the talks we had and before I left her Monday night, I whispered in her ear not to worry, I’d take good care of her boy. And I intend to. No one should be an orphan at 29. I am so lucky to have two sets of parents and I will envelope him in my crazy ass family and we will love him like he’s one of us.

Starting with my sisters. They are arriving with Knuckles tomorrow and I am so excited to see them. It’s been over six months. A very long, hard and miserable six months. Life is going to start going back to “normal” now and I don’t know how he’ll adjust to his “freedom”, but I intend to make 2011 an amazing year for both of us.

I’m really tired and I can sense me not making sense and this is a shit attempt at trying to work through my feelings on all that’s happened the last week so let me say this, to Mama Scotsman…you will be an inspiration to me always. Your kindness, generosity and unconditional love will never be forgotten. I am so thankful that your battle is over, and as your daughter said, I believe you won it. You are no longer with us physically, but you live on in your children and in our hearts. I know you’ll be watching for those grandbabies, but give us all a few more years, ok? We love you. Always.


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Nothing to see, move along to the next trainwreck

18 12 2010

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve checked in here.

Things are at their usual level of tolerable insanity.

I am now a redhead as of this evening and I am having a reeeeeeally hard time dealing with THAT decision.

I got my hair cut for the first time in MONTHS today due to my usual state of poverty. Thanks to a few months of living like a nun, shuffling things around and a promotion, I could afford Christmas presents and a hair cut! Yay! I LOVE the girl who does my hair, but when you tell me you’r going to trim it an inch and fix my bangs that have totally grown out, I expect to still have all of my hair. She cut A LOT of it and actually CUT it, not just a trim, but a full on style. So I was a little on edge about that.

So I stopped by Ulta to pick a few things up and I’ve been toying with the idea of changing my hair color. I found a picture of me from the transition from black back to blonde and it was this lovely shade of auburn. Just red enough without being over the top. That was April of 2009. The red has stayed with me since. My naturally tendency is to ginge out a bit. So I thought I’d embrace it. It’s been since…lord only knows…when I got my hair highlighted last and I’m sick of the blonde. Or so I thought.

So I asked my stylist and she told me she was glad to seem me accepting my natural red tendencies and to buy L’Oreal at the store and I’d be fine.

Friends, it’s been YEARS since I dyed my own hair. I’m apparently out of practice. I missed a few spots underneath, I think Manfred is freaked out by it and oh holy hell is it RED, not auburn.

So I’m arguing with myself about going and getting more dye tonight/tomorrow and redoing it before I go to Martha’s daughter’s first birthday party WHERE I WILL SEE ALL OF MY FRIENDS.

My phone says it is currently 4 degrees outside. Sooo I guess I’ll wait until tomorrow to deal with this calamity.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have xanax and Fraggle Rock is on Netflix instant!


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Sister winter

7 12 2010

I’ve apparently moved to Hoth. It is COLD and it has snowed, to some extent, every damn day for the past…4 days? I opened the door to leave this morning and there was about a hale inch of fine white powder coating the earth.

If you’ve been with me for awhile, you know I HATE snow. It makes me cranky. The cold just makes me miserable. Add to that not getting a decent night’s sleep in two months, work stress, worry and more worry and you get one grumpypants girl.

I haven’t felt like blogging lately which is so unlike me. Usually when I’m morose I like to wax poetic about it for days on end. I don’t have the energy right now. I am a nervous wreck. Any time my phone rings and I’m not sitting next to Manfred, I have a mild coronary.

I got a promotion at work. The raise was insulting, but the title change meant a lot to me. I am OFFICIALLY a graphic designer. The four years of schooling and six years of practical job experience meant nothing if I couldn’t put it on my business cards. Ooh, note to self, order new business cards.

As if the universe was waiting for this to happen, I now have a pile of shit to do that has me totally overwhelmed and in over my head. I don’t know how everything is going to get done. Especially if anything goes down within the next week or two. At this point, I don’t even pretend to know. They took Mama off continuous care hospice again today because she’s not presenting any signs of imminent death. Yet, a few days ago they were predicting it would be OMGANYSECONDNOW!! So I am trying to just breathe my way through it. The woman does NOT want to go. It’s so infuriating and frustrating. You can’t even imagine. The state she is in right now is not any quality of life. I wish she’d just rest and be at peace. I wish she could understand she’s only making it harder for all of us. Especially my poor Manfred.

He’s been exceptionally great lately and we had an AMAZING time this past weekend at Redsfest. I got him tickets for Christmas. He told me it was a great present because he has too much stuff, this isn’t more stuff it’s an experience. He also said he felt giddy when we headed down on Friday afternoon. Something he hasn’t felt in months. I was so happy that I was able to give him a few hours of relief and fun. Friday we failed at everything except buying a Marge Schott bobblehead and a Reds garden gnome. Jonny Gnomes. Get it? Shut up. I love my gnomie. Oh and he got Eric Davis’ autograph and talked to him for a second. His childhood hero. I was feeling like the queen of Christmas.

Saturday we lucked out and walked right into Dusty Baker’s autograph line and then again into the Jay Bruce picture line. He is so tall and adorable. I wanted to slip him my sister’s number. I swear to christ her boyfriend is autistic. He’s an idiot. Jay Bruce is adorable, funny, and successful. And he seems to have lovely manners. He is the type of boy my sister should be dating. Not some idiot frathole.

We came home, exhausted, Saturday night, I made soup and we attempted to watch the original TRON. We were out about 20-30 minutes into it and never picked it back up. I was bored to tears. The nap was much more fulfilling.

Sunday, Manfred’s goal was to keep me in the house as much as possible. His philosophy is the less I see of the snow and have to deal with the cold, the happier I am. He truly understands me sometimes.

I am currently quite sleepy and listening to Sufjan’s Christmas Collection. I need to figure out how to make ringtones on my new phone. You know, the one I’ve had for six months. Someday I’ll have time again. Someday I’ll remember how to relax. But for now, I battle my insomnia. I hope I win.


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Topsy Turvy

3 12 2010

The last blog I wrote was on my half-birthday. Something I totally forgot about until my mom reminded me. So yeah…six months closer to 29. Awesome.

I got a promotion today.

I asked for it in April, and honestly it was hardly even worth it, BUT…I now have the title I deserve AND I’ll never say no to more money, no matter how insulting it is. Plus, I think I get a raise again within the next 6-7 months so…there’s that.

I had one of those days where everything just seemed to work out for me. In about 12 hours I’ll find out if one other thing I’ve been crossing my fingers for comes true. More on that tomorrow…today…later. Whatever. I am trying not to jinx it.

Anyway, yes. Lucky day. Everything seemed to be happening with the sole purpose of making me happy today. So naturally, I got nervous. I’m a glass is half empty so may as well slam it kind of girl. That was a fancy way of saying, I always expect the worst, and it always hits me hard anyway.

Manfred called.

I haven’t seen him since Sunday. He has a wicked upper respiratory infection. I finally convinced him to go to the doctor today. He also listened to me and made chicken soup with hot sauce and got himself some oj. It makes me all swoony when he does what I tell him to.

Again, I digress.

The nurse found a Kennedy Ulcer on his mama today. This is not good. She was diagnosed with pneumonia earlier this week and the kids opted not to treat it. It would only be prolonging the inevitable and at this point, the woman is clearly in pain and suffering. The nurse told Manfred it’s usually about a week or so after a Kennedy Ulcer shows up. So here we are, facing the end. Again. This time is seems more certain. I don’t know if I’m ready. I haven’t prepared myself sufficiently for this. With all the ups and downs she’s been having, no one could guess from day to day what was going to happen. But now we know. It’s coming. Soon.

My gran predicted that we would lose her around the holidays. Goddamn my creepy ass clairvoyant family. I was praying we could at least make it into the new year. I mean, there is no guarantee that we can’t…but I don’t have a good feeling about this.

I’m going to need you. All of you. I need you to help me find my strength. Help me square my shoulders and face this. I’ve never been good with death and I’m terrified of falling apart when he needs me most. So, if I’m mean, or uncommunicative and withdrawn, or if I call you and just sob, please understand. Please don’t ask me to talk about it. I am sick of being consumed by it. I don’t WANT to talk about it. So please don’t ask. I just need you to help keep me upright for a little while, until we get through this.


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One more day…

23 11 2010

Oh hey. Everything is cool. I’m just SUPER busy finishing up my giant project at work.

Manfred and I have put a little distance between us, I think that was all we needed, and he seems to be much calmer and missing me. I am enjoying spending time with my cat and Mr. Potter.

Nola is in town and we have plans for tomorrow night. Most importantly, we, along with Savannah and Wifey, will be skipping our 10 year high school reunion. Screw those jerks. I didn’t even know 80% of them. I like ya’ll much better.

I’m really bummed I’m not spending Thanksgiving with my sister, but excited that I get to share my favorite day of the year with Manfred. Ya’ll…I LOVE Thanksgiving. It’s is the perfect day. I am usually hungover. I get up, roll downstairs in my pj’s, eat some of my mom’s stellar cooking, go back to sleep, wake up, eat more, and then watch movies and snuggle with Totoro.

As much as I will miss my little sister, I am happy to not be dragged out for Black Friday. You’re all getting handmade prezzies this year because this bitch is BROKE ASS. But I love you. And really, isn’t that a present unto itself? (You can gag now)


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I need an escape

18 11 2010

I’m sad.

Can I just be sad for awhile?

I’m going to go to bed and be sad.


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I hate November.

18 11 2010

I’m in a funk. Yesterday was just awful and I almost hit meltdown. I came home and cried a little bit and tried to talk through it with Manfred. Its really difficult to talk to him about any of this because, well…you know?

I feel guilty when I have bad days and sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t understand. I spent a chunk of yesterday reading through this and it seriously made me cry. I was already having a “I hate everything from the hair on my head to my freakishly long toes” kind of day. Sometimes it just makes me more sad to think there are girls and women out there that feel like I do.

It just was a bad day. My hair was icky, work was uncharacteristically awful and I’m pretty sure my seasonal depression has landed. Cold. Grey. Wet.

I feel really selfish right now. I’m trying to not be mad when he doesn’t clean up after himself or plays video games the few precious hours we get to spend together each day. I am trying to be patient, but truth be told, this isn’t easy for me either. Imagine asking someone to watch one of your parents waste away. It’s not fucking easy. Supporting him is my job and I am damn good at it. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments that I want to break down and cry and have him hold me and take care of me.

He does take care of me physically. He made me soup last night and homemade hot chocolate the other day. It’s not like he’s ignoring me, but he’s neglecting my emotional needs right now. I know I am being selfish saying that, but I want some me time. Some us time. I want him to want to spend time with ME not Call of Duty. I want to snuggle up and watch a movie. Shit, I’d settle for him coming to bed before I’ve already been in it for hours.

I understand his need to escape and all of that, but what about mine? Am I supposed to just suck it up and deal with it? Am I supposed to pretend I’m not sad? I did that before. I want something different. I want someone who will listen when I tell them what’s wrong, no matter how trivial it is, and just let me cry it out or throw things or yell or whatever I have to do to feel better. I want someone who understands my struggles and why I get upset at myself. And I know he is that person. And I know I have no right to ask him for anything right now, but I’m so fucking tired. I’m spread so thin as it is.

I just want my boyfriend back.


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