I am not going to apologize anymore when I disappear and stop writing. So. There.

I am in a horrible bout of depression. I lost a very dear friend who I haven’t seen in way too long. I could have made the time, but I didn’t. And now I can’t. That guilt is killing me. I miss him SO MUCH and I can’t even begin to imagine a world without him. Add to that my missing of Space Cowboy, work, Manfred…I’m done. I’m exhausted.

I live a very unhealthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically. I am sick of it. So I am changing things. I bought a new cookbook this weekend and I am very excited to get it. I am not going on a diet, because diets do not work with me. I am just eating more of different foods and less of others. And I am pretty much going vegetarian. Now, don’t look at me like that. I can’t be vegan because greek yogurt/cheese/honey/butter. I can’t be vegetarian because bacon. And chicken still is my main source of protein. But I’m working on it. I tolerate chickpeas and I made some mashed up black beans tonight with mashed up avocado. I will eat damn near anything if there’s avocado on it. But I digress. I am re-joining my gym at work and Kitty and I are going to make time during the day to go work out. I am already there, I may as well.

I also am taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. It’s been hard. Manfred is pretty unpredictable right now. He doesn’t realize when he’s being awful so I forgive him his bouts of meanness. When he does recognize them, he apologizes unprompted. We never can manage to stay mad at each other. I try to not be around much these days, but I crave him. His smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. He is delicious on every sensory level. And really, he’s an amazing human being. His kindness and generosity know no bounds. He remembered that Nola wanted something very special that is very hard to get and when the opportunity presented itself to me to acquire one…he took it upon himself to buy one for me and her. The fact that he is also kind to my friends…swoon. I know another man who is like that as well ladies…he’s available…tall, handsome and sweeter than honey. Mr. J-Bear…I’m talking about you, sir.

I have started to “force” myself to create more. To make time for things like crafting and reading…writing…meh. I don’t feel like I have anything to say right now. It’s all just…blah. I’ll get back to that place, but there’s everything and nothing to say right now. It took me two days to write Space Cowboy back. Have I mentioned I miss him like crazy? Because dear god…every fiber of my being misses him so fucking much. Please come home soon.

I am too lazy to check and see if I already wrote about going to Ft Lauderdale at the end of February. It’s for work, but I will be there Friday-Thursday. Do you know what they have in Ft Lauderdale? MOTHERFUCKING SUNSHINE. And it will be over 32 degrees, so yay!

We’re on the cusp of a supposedly terrible ice storm. I can’t even deal anymore. I consider every single flake of snow a personal affront at this point. I am offended by the amount of snow we’ve received this year. However…it will make recreating a special day much easier.

One year ago, this coming Sunday, Manfred and I got snowed in, drunk and watched Lebowski. Then we did it. A lot. So we’ve decided this should be our anniversary date. Mostly because we never really picked one. I mean, the “facebook official” date is probably later in the month, but meh. Who are we kidding? The second we kissed for the first time it was all over. I fought so hard, but he totally owns me, heart and soul. That asshole.

So yes. One year. What a fucking year. We’ve made it through SO MUCH together and I think we’re both glad to have come out on the other side of it intact. What doesn’t kill you, right?

In other news, I am freezing my balls off over here, so I’ma go get warmed up and maybe read my book for a bit.